AIBU or is hubby unPC 'rape' joke totally inacceptable? Where do I go from here?

[charleroi70]

My hubby can be on the 'unPC side' as a general traits- he seems a bit stuck in the 80's in his way of thinking at times - but this time, he pushed it too far as far as I am concerned and am curious to understand how you would have reacted and/or if you feel I am being unreasonable for feeling this way? Let me give you a bit of context: one of our neighbour (in his 50's, lives with his mum) made slightly odd comments in the past about our baby girl and whilst he is a friendly guy, I keep my distance. However last week, we were away and I had a friend coming to stay and the only person I could leave the keys with was this same neighbour. During our holidays, hubby asked me if my friend (attractive female) had got the keys and I told him that all had gone well and that the guy had given them to her. He goes on to saying: 'I bet he tried to rape her'.... I was really shocked by this comment and told him at the time that it was not acceptable to say such things. A few days have passed and I have got thinking about it more and am seriously appauled, shocked and disappointed. His answer is: 'it was just a joke as the guy is a bit 'pervy'. He also said: ' I am sorry you took the comment this way'. I don't think my reaction is anything but normal, the comment is what was totally out of order and I 'took it' how it came out. Part of me cannot help but wonder if he has un-healthy views of male/female relationships and also if he finds my friend a little too attractive. When I confronted him he went on to say: it was because i thought this lonely odd guy would see this blond turn up after the wedding she went to and that he probably had never had a woman like that ring his bell. I feel powerless as his explanations in a way make it all seem worse.... what to do from here?

I don't understand how his comment would lead you to wonder if he finds your friend 'too' attractive. Your DH seems to have been commenting on the neighbour. You seem to have some distasteful idea that only attractive women are sexually assaulted

It wouldn't bother me tbh as I know my dh and it wouldn't have been meant offensively. Slip of the tongue, on a subject that you did used to be able to joke about.
Perhaps ask him to be PC and tell him what he's allowed to joke about and what not. maybe draw him a chart.

The problem isn't men making rape jokes. Lots of perfectly respectable men make jokes about rape and other taboo subjects and get away with it because they choose their moment and audience.

The problem is men making rape jokes in front of women, in front of people who'll be offended and in front of people who may be victims. The problem isn't the rape joke, it's the crass ignorance and stupidity of the man who can't gauge his audience. If you're his wife and he can't gauge what's acceptable in front of you, I'd say there's a problem.

Horrible, ill thought out, distasteful comment. It's what happens now/next that matters. He apologised which is good. As long as there is no repeat and he actively wishes to learn about why his comment was so awful, then I think I would take a wait and see approach.

Sounds like his comment was about your neighbour tbh. I mean he could have just as easily as said “surprised he didn’t try to bury her under the patio” or similar - would you have been “appalled” then?

Your neighbour is creepy and your dh made a comment related to that. Was it funny? Not at all. But it doesn't sound completely out of left field given you find the neighbour creepy too.
I'm also a rape survivor and would have been over this second he apologized.

It's the sort of thing I would have been really upset about years ago, but as time has gone by, and especially if it's one of those "foot in mouth" moments, I tend to cut people a bit of slack. But that depends hugely on how well I know the person.

If it were my DH saying something inappropriate (I don't think he'd ever joke about rape though), I'd be more inclined to say "you do realise that isn't at all funny, so please don't say stuff like that again", and the message hopefully gets through to 'engage brain before mouth'.

If the same person carries on saying similar things even after highlighting it, it would start to become a real issue / dealbreaker for me.

You mention he has form for being inappropriate- have you tried talking to him about stuff as soon as he says it - that can be more meaningful than leaving it too long to discuss...

What sort of comments has your neighbour made about your ‘baby girl’? Surely that’s what you need to worry about rather than your DH making remarks about him.
Like pp he probably meant ‘tried it on ‘ ‘ made a pass’ that sort of thing.
But I wouldn’t have much to do with him. Your friend is in your house while your on holiday?

It was just a flippant, stupid comment. Shocked and appalled seems extreme. My DH knows I was raped and I didn’t hold it against him when he made an ill-thought out joke a while back. His sense of humour is darker than mine, but it doesn’t make him an ugly character. He’s allowed to find things funny that I don’t.

i think youre overreacting to a stupid comment.

I'm just waiting for people to tell you to leave him....always someone demanding this.

perhaps he has been isolated from other people and the media all his life and doesn't understand that real people really get raped
ask yourself how you would feel if he'd said
'I bet he tried to kill her"
that will tell you how to feel about this comment

am feeling sorry for the neighbour now- a single man in his 50s might very well be at a loss what to say about a baby

Omg. I'd not even have given it a second thought. Joking about horrible topics is human nature, it's a way to deal with things that are too horrible to deal with seriously. This new UK uber-PC culture which takes a swipe at any 'un-PC' jokes is very worrying as it's removing one of human beings most effective defense mechanisms against the horrific things that happen in the world.

In this situation it sounds like a poorly expressed attempt at saying the neighbour might have made a play for her. I would express your dislike and move on.

However, you say he's stuck in the 80s and to me that sounds like a euphemism for someone prone to sexist and racist 'jokes', blokey bloke who thinks women need to lighten up, that the reason people don't find their jokes funny is because the world is so uptight these days etc so I'm not entirely surprised that someone who is stuck in the 80s as you put it went to make a rape joke because it's probably part and parcel of other attitudes. If it turns out that this is one in a long line of so called 'jokes' then I'd probably find the attitude grating.

@PianoTuner567 exactly my thoughts.

lots of perfectly respectable men make jokes about rape
they really, really don't
here are some perfectly respectable men
two more perfectly respectable men
like they say if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

It wouldn't bother me at all and I've been raped myself.

I've been raped several times, this wouldn't have even registered to me tbh.

OP Sorry I think you’re massively overreacting.

You have obviously made various comments about the man nextdoor being creepy or making you feel uncomfortsble. What do you mean about this man being creepy doing your daughter - surely this is the salient point here? Your DH’s comment was an extension of your view. Not great, admittedly, but he was hardly implying your friend deserves to be raped fgs! He was agreeing with you that the neighbour is a creep. Maybe you had said you didn’t like leaving the keys with him; you hoped your friend wouid be ok - or something along those lines. Blimey!

“Jokes” about rape are indeed totally unacceptable. But I don’t think your dh did joke. It doesn’t sound like he expected you to laugh. It was more a comment. An exaggeration of an observation that your neighbour is creepy and your friend attractive.
It was maybe uncalled for. But I wouldn’t confuse it with “a rape joke” for entertainment.