To take my DC's to their great-grandmothers funeral

[WinterWillow]

My grandmother passed away last night, and as it was expected I had already had the talk with my DC's (5&3) and explained that nanny would go to heaven with bampi as she wasn't well, which they accepted.

I feel that it is only fair that they attend the funeral as it was their great-grandmother but I'm not sure this is socially acceptable?
They have a good understanding of heaven and god etc., and have coped well with the news.

AIBU to take them?

We gave DS the option when he was 5. He decided not to due to the travelling.

DH took DD to the Church the evening of her DGGF's removal (the night before) while I had been to the house beforehand with the open coffin (and went on to the church). She went to school and afterschool club as normal the day of the funeral and we collected her a little early. She was 4. (She had also been in the house the evening DGGF had actually died, the evening before the coffin "came home", as I called and cooked dinner for DGGM and my DAunts and DUncles - knowing none of them had thought about food - DD referred to the particular meal I made that night as "Grandad's Dinner" for a good couple of years, which was interesting explaining if people asked! Especially as it was one we liked to eat a fair bit.)

When she was 7, both her DGGM's died within 8 months of each other. For the first, for logistical reasons (house across the city from us), we had to take her to the house with the open coffin but had talked to her lots beforehand and didn't make her go into that room - she stayed with DH while I went in. She also came to the church that evening. But the following day, she went to the crèche for her normal afterschool club (logistically worked out as the summer camp she was doing was mornings only, and crèche were happy to help, she joined a trip to a sports centre) while DH and I went to the funeral.

The second was again during school term and DH was abroad for work, so again DD came with me to the house with open coffin but had the choice. There were DCousins her own age there, which helped and they were going in to see DGGM comfortably so DD went into the room but not near the coffin (again, lots of talk beforehand and whatever she wanted). She also came to the church that night. But again she went to school the following day, as she didn't want to go to the funeral and I wasn't up to wrangling with her on my own and trying to manage my own feelings.

DD knew all 3 very well, as we had spent a lot of time with them over the years.

I found the Winstons Wish website very helpful, both in the run up to the 3 deaths and the aftermath. And again when DFIL was ill and died a few years later. How to explain things to DCs, and how to give them options, and what to think about as adults. And other things they can do to remember the deceased in their own ways. (And how to not get upset when DCs are very practical and bounce back quickly from upset).

Sorry, I meant to say about "socially acceptable"

In Ireland, funerals are big extended family affairs, and it would be common to see lots of DCs there, especially any DCs directly descended from the deceased.

I know funerals in the UK are somewhat different, but I don't see why it wouldn't be acceptable for you to go to your DGF's funeral, and also to bring your DC's to their DGGF's last farewell. At least to some part of it, if not the whole thing.

What is the norm in your family? Are there likely to be other DCs, could you talk to the chief mourner or someone close to see what their feelings are on the matter?

The 5yo maybe but do you have a friend who could be on standby in case it gets too much? You'd probably hate to miss part of your GMs funeral because of an upset child.

The 3yo no, too young to understand. I wouldn't want to risk the inappropriate question- where's ggm, why is she in the box etc etc in the middle of the service.

DD went to her DGGM's funeral when she was 5. Her cousin was just under 2. For both of them, there was someone who could take them out if they couldn't cope (both were fine). I had checked with my mum first - you might want to check with your mum/dad.

Both children behaved well, and others said that they were glad they had come. So 'socially' it was fine. We're in England.

My ds was 3 when his half sister died. I kept him away from the funeral because it was such a distressing event and I didn’t want him to see that distress. He was too young to understand.
In our family, generally from about 10, Dcs are asked if they want to attend, but complete understanding if they don’t.

We have 5 oldies funerals in 5 weeks once, and none of the teenagers went. It was all too much.

Thank you all, that's really helpful.
Our DD (3) is often more understanding than our DS (5) he tends to be the one with the awkward questions, such as 'How will bampi get here from heaven to take nanny away'

I wouldnt. I feel that they are just too small at the moment. You explained what happened, so I'm not sure it's ok for them to see the actual body. In my culture though funerals are big massive crying events and people often get into hysterics. So I would definitely not bring a child to that. But only you know what it might be like for your family.

Like anything, take them but be prepared for their needs, and that of other attendees, to be greater than yours and not have the experience you may be expecting.

I'd take a 5 year old if they wanted to go, but not most 3 year olds. It's about behaviour really, would they be able to sit quietly throughout with no toys/snacks/devices/chatting, and will they get upset if they see adults upset?

I was with DM when she died. I went to collect DF to go and say goodbye to her in the hospital. DD3 had to come too so she had death explained to her (she had been seeing the process daily) from close up. She was the only child at the funeral as there were no others to come. She came to the cemetery to check out the plots and she came to choose the coffin.

As a SAHM, I was prone to dissolving into tears at various times and she was able to process that herself ie "You're upset because you miss your mum. I'm not upset and I don't have to be". All so very true.

My longwinded point is that children learn and they cope if they are parented well. I am aware that I grieved differently to how I would have if I hadn't had a toddler but that's life. Kids at funerals aren't the end of the world.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I would be most worried if they would behave themselves. You would have to take them out if not and miss the service yourself.
I imagine most of it would go over their heads anyway.
My ds aged about 7 was fascinated with the coffin and where it would go (cremation) and was bordering on being inappropriate and tactless with his questions. He was nearly knocking people out of the way to get up for a good look. I almost took him out.

Depends on the tone of the funeral too. If it's a smallish family thing that's fine, if it's a big formal thing with lots of business colleagues or something maybe not.

My DGM died last week, and the funeral is next Wednesday. I am not taking my DS who is 3 and a half. I don't think he will understand, and might upset family with his questions

I took my then 3 yo and 18 mo DDs to my grandma's funeral. It didn't occur to me not to. It was in the same town so easy travelling and I guess DH would've taken them out if necessary. It wasn't necessary. Kids aren't stupid and can generally pick up on the mood of a day.

Take them if they want to go, especially if they knew and loved her. My son and his cousins all went to their great grandmother's funeral many years ago. They were older than yours though, I think mine was eight.

Children have to understand death.

Yes! Take them! People tend to love having little kids at funerals, it's heartening I find at least to see children there to lift the spirits.

Not to mention it is a valuable learning experience for your children too. People will die, and this is how we cope with it. Let them see your grief, talk about it, be open

As for keeping a 3 year old quiet. I gave my son a sticker book during the 45 min service. It kept him so quiet and occupied that I got several compliments afterwards for his behaviour ;)

I wouldn't, they're too young. If in doubt, ask the person closest to the deceased. And don't frame it as 'do you mind if I bring them?'. Frame it as 'would you like kids there?' so they can politely say no if they want to.

My kids were that age when my nan died. I didnt take them to the funeral. I was glad I didn't as I was upset and glad I didnt have them there. But we took them to the wake afterwards and everyone really enjoyed that as it was held in a pub and we called it "nanas party" and they lifted the atmosphere and put a smile on people's faces and gave cuddles. Sorry for your loss xx

I would say yes, of course, but like @BiddyPop I'm Irish and it's pretty much a given that children will go to a funeral here.

A few years ago my friend's Dad died. He was quite old and hadn't been in good health for a long time so it was expected.
Friend's DS was there at the funeral. He was 5 at the time. They'd told him that Grandad was going to heaven. He seemed a bit off in the church and they thought he was upset over his Grandad.
No. Turned out he took Grandad's trip to heaven very literally and had sat through the entire mass pretty much expecting a puff of smoke and the coffin to ascend upwards!

Yes I would. I took both DC to my GM’s funeral, they were 5 and 3 at the time. ExH was prepped to take the 3yo our if she was noisy, but they were fine.

In my experience, funerals of older family members, where it was expected, are usually more a celebration of their life than a really sad event, if that makes sense, and older relatives are always glad of the opportunity to fuss over the children at the wake. Often the children provide a welcome distraction.

We recently went through this . I took my 5 year old who wanted to go and just turned three year old. Our culture has open coffin funerals so we sat at the back for that bit, and we missed the bit at the cemetery as they were both so focused on her getting her wings and looking to the sky so we took them for a treat during that bit, then at the wake we took lots of toys and puzzles for them plus unlimited phone playing time. They were superstars there and I'm glad I took them just as my five year old is really glad she went.

Oh and if it helps your kids, mine made pictures and puzzles for their G-gran to take to heaven and they were placed in her coffin.

My husband died in February and our two daughters, 3 and 6, came to the funeral. One of my brothers was on standby in the church and took them outside about half way through when they got restless (during a relentlessly long eulogy).
They understood well enough but they also enjoyed having all of our extended families around them too. They put posies on top of my husband's coffin to help them to feel involved: the funeral is part of saying goodbye for everyone.
My three year old still confuses weddings and funerals..... Lots of people in a church, family, food and wine afterwards..... But I think it was part of an important process for them. Obviously grief is ongoing and not linear. For me, it was important they went. Good luck deciding xx

@Slavetominidictator I'm so sorry for you loss what a helpful post.