AIBU to smack 13 yr old ds?

[frogsarejumpy]

I know IABU, but I really need help. I know I’m damaging our relationship and him, but every time I say it won’t happen again, something happens and it does. He has ASD and ADHD as well as being 13, so it’s a challenging situation at times. We do lots of nice things together too, but I’m disgusted at myself and it’s a defining part that is driving us apart. I’m worried it’s all he will remember. How can I get help to control my temper? It feels like nothing works to manage him sometimes. I will have given him several chances to stop whatever it is and warnings but he just keeps pushing it over and over until I snap.
Any advice would be great as I’m at the end of my tether, feel so guilty and sad for ds and me.

Well at 13 he's going to be big and strong enough to hit back soon. You know you're in the wrong, and I would suggest your first step is to have a frank discussion with your GP and ask for help. Your poor DS.

Come to the Teenagers section and join the ‘poT’ support thread. Lots of us at our wits’ end. Could you try seeing it like he’s a toddler without the capacity to control his behaviour yet? Teens are sometimes biologically driven to create conflict with us so they can become individuals - it’s not always about the behaviour. I would recommend committing yourself to stepping away from every fight and giving up trying to ‘manage’ him for now. You can impose a consequence if he breaks your rules (if that works with adhd?) CBT is good for retraining your impulse to violent response- there are books on controlling your anger with CBT that help. Good luck!

What country are you in? Have you ever left a mark? Your behaviour may not be legal.

It's likely he'll soon be bigger and stronger than you, and you too could be at risk if violence is normalised in your home.

Is your son's ADHD medicated? I ask because if so that should be bringing you into contact with professionals who can signpost you to further support. Without knowing your circumstances any better I would suggest you tr:

• your GP
• CAMHS
• Early Help
• Children's Services/Social Care

The programme most services offer for parents of challenging teenagers is called Triple-P.

Thank you for your replies and suggestions, I’m going to contact GP today and look into other help. Never left a mark physically. Think I will ‘give up’ trying to manage behaviour as suggested. Never know how much is him pushing boundaries and within his control and how much is impulse control (adhd) or ASD and not understanding the situation. Just making for a really difficult home between ds and me and with dh too

My parents smacked me as a child and young teenager and I will never forgive them for it. It's really awful behaviour and very frightening and horrible for the child. You need to seek help for your anger problems or risk destroying your relationship with your son permanently. Whether or not you leave marks is totally irrelevant. Inflicting violence and pain on another human being is never okay, especially a child.

You dont need people telling you 'your poor DS' and 'I'm damaging from my parents doing the same thing'. You have come here asking for help essentially and I'm not going to judge you for what you've done if you are asking for help to change. You cant take away what you've done, you can change what you now do. Someone mentioned CBT to notice your temper triggers earlier and retrain your brain to seek release a different way before your emotions completely take over. I'd also suggest a parenting course like Triple P stepping stones for parents with children of additional needs. Well done you for being brave enough to address this issue.

Whether or not you leave marks is totally irrelevant.

I agree with everything else you said. Legally, in England, if there is no mark left then it is possible that OP's behaviour may fall within the definition of 'reasonable chastisement'.

My mother occasionally smacked me as a child and its never bothered me at all so when ds was small I would tap the back of his hand if he was doing something dangerous repeatedly, however it then progressed when he got bigger to smacks on his bottom when I would feel so angry and be losing control of the situation, after a few occasions of this I realised I was completely in the wrong and so we began a routine of what I call gentle hands. This also coincided with us teaching him that he could not lash out at other children if they weren't doing what he wanted them to do, how could I teach this without setting an example? When I would get into a situation with him where I was losing my temper we will say to each other "we don't hit or hurt people we love, we use our gentle hands" and get down on his level face to face and stroke each others cheeks. This may sound ridiculous to some but it takes the anger out of the situation, allows you to calm down and see sense. It also calms the child if they are hysterical and tantruming while arguing with you.

You dont need people telling you 'your poor DS' and 'I'm damaging from my parents doing the same thing

I disagree.

How do you manage when in public? How is he st school?

The warnings you give: hat are you warning of?
Decide before you issue the warning what the consequence will be.
Because presumably the warnings aren’t “because after 3 I am going to
Lose my temper and lash out”

And be clear and calm:

Use the warnings as a warning to you that you are on the runway to losing control.

It may be that the warnings themselves are provoking him to be more defiance.

Try other techniques: walk away saying calmly “I am not willing to communicate with you when you talk like that” and totally ignore him.

I have no experience of dealing with a child with ASD / ADHD. Have you tried asking for strategies in the SEN boards here?

That is disgusting. You are an adult in control of your actions. Stop.

Sorry but I disagree too. OP is teaching her child that its OK to be violent when you're frustrated ot things don't go your way. As I said, he'll be big and strong enough to cause real damage soon if he follows her example. Yes OP has come here asking for help and I have suggested GP as a first step, I really hope they take that advice. I stand by poor DS.

Shaming people doesn't enable change. Empathy and support does. I think the OP feels enough shame without the pious jumping on in there...

I say this as someone who was 1) beaten so a child and 2) never touched my kids
It would have helped me much more as a child if my m had had support rather than fear of judgement. They can both learn along about the capacity for change and reparation in relationships by getting help not judgement.

Swap the word smack for physical assault.

These judgemental responses make children more unsafe. Parents who have made mistakes have no where they trust to turn for help so never change their behaviour, leaving the child more at risk.

Thank you all for comments. I agree it’s wrong and I’m worried the effect it’s having on ds now and for the future. I have looked up lots of the suggestions and am following up on them. I’m also considering some time off work to de stress and work through things. I was never going to smack my ds, until one day I did. We go many weeks sometimes months where I can manage his behaviour differently but then something happens and I’m back there losing my temper again. I needed both the suggestions and the reminders of how serious this is.

I have a 13 yr old DS with severe special needs, he has Down Syndrome as well as autism, his meltdowns and behaviour at times are a sight to behold, he has been violent with me on several occasions and has punched and kicked me. Never in a million years would I ever hit him, believe me I felt like it and it takes the patience of a saint not to at times but I just wouldn’t do it. Your child has SN, they learn by example, your teaching him it’s ok to hit, he will eventually hit you back, poor self control means that he may not stop and you will get hurt.
You seriously need to get help to control your temper, I don’t care if you don’t leave a mark on him, this is abuse of a vulnerable child in my eyes.
To take control of my own frustrations I joined a gym, it helps a lot. As does talking to other parents in my situation. Seek professional help for yourself please.
Please do not hit your child, hitting any child is my eyes is horrific let alone one with SN.
I am not a perfect parent, in my darkest days I’ve considered putting my son in residential care.
Please stop.

frogsarejumpy I too have a teen with ADHD/ASD. Nothing works. Haven’t hit him but god he is good at pushing buttons/boundaries and baiting us to snapping point so I understand your frustrations.

We are at the end of our tether. CAHMS are useless, school are phoning every week and we now have no clue what to do with him beyond just leaving him to it. I’m very frightened for his future and what will become of him.

Another one who's wholeheartedly against smacking.

I can see you really must be feeling the stress though and I hope you get the support you both need.

Desperado and namechange- I’m sorry you both are in difficult situations at times too, it can be so hard. The feelings of despair are awful. The only reason I stated no physical marks was because a pp asked the question, not to in any way minimise the act

For a first step - apology; plot on paper what triggered it and plan a different response next time; decide that you will allow bad behaviour etc when words don’t work, and deal with it later. Good luck to you.

People piling in make children less safe. She's admitted she isn't happy with her own behaviour. It's rather ironic that other posters reckon shaming her is going to help! Ask the GP for some CBT. You need to help yourself deescalate. You also might need some respite care if it's all too much.

What Xeroxarama said. Prepare in advance, have a list of things you can let slide and things you can't let slide. Before you give a warning, think about how it might escalate. Are there some behaviours you might be able to control with a less confrontational approach.

This is an age where ime you need to stop getting physical altogether, not just not slapping, but also not manhandling them in any way. A 13yo who feels physical threatened may well lash out and they don't always know their strength.

get down on his level face to face and stroke each others cheeks

nogodsnomasters, the OP may well need a step ladder for that one