AIBU to smack 13 yr old ds?

[frogsarejumpy]

I know IABU, but I really need help. I know I’m damaging our relationship and him, but every time I say it won’t happen again, something happens and it does. He has ASD and ADHD as well as being 13, so it’s a challenging situation at times. We do lots of nice things together too, but I’m disgusted at myself and it’s a defining part that is driving us apart. I’m worried it’s all he will remember. How can I get help to control my temper? It feels like nothing works to manage him sometimes. I will have given him several chances to stop whatever it is and warnings but he just keeps pushing it over and over until I snap.
Any advice would be great as I’m at the end of my tether, feel so guilty and sad for ds and me.

I have no advice OP but well done for recognising you need help. Seeking help to deal with the situation will improve your relationship with your son and in turn stop your behaviour. All the best going forward!

Something you may not have considered is whether you yourself may also be neurodivergent. An awful lot of us were missed as kids and are only now being diagnosed as adults after our children are diagnosed. This doesn’t excuse the hitting but might help you understand your triggers that get you to this point. Sending hugs as parenting is hard enough and our kids can be expert at button pushing and also not responding to ‘normal’ parenting methods. Def talk to some professionals. Have you been able to access any asd/adhd specific parenting courses?

Pinkkink Respite??? what’s that?
I know parents with severely mentally and physically disabled children who have been denied respite and they are on their knees!
The services are NOT OUT THERE!
Our council closed down the theraplay group at the Child Development Centre. The babies and toddlers that went there had access to OT, speech and language therapy, a specialist paediatrician and physiotherapy, gone! The support they have to parents was invaluable and it’s gone.
There is very little help, services and support for these children and their parents.

I’m sorry op for coming over holier than thou, I’m not blaming you, your post shocked me a little that’s all. It is so very hard to deal with and trust me I’ve had to leave a room many times and take myself out of the situation because my son has pushed my buttons.
The best place to start is the school not your GP, GP’s in my experience are not willing to help with issues like this. If you have a half decent one they may take an interest.
Good luck and pm me if it’s all getting too much for you, I’m always around to lend an ear.

@DesperadoDan Services can be vastly different in different areas. I agree most are cut to the bone but it doesn't hurt to ask. Some areas are much better than others. It really is a postcode lottery.

Pinkkink I live in a very wealthy historic city on the south coast, if services have been cut so drastically here I dread to think about other areas of the country.
It’s disgusting.

You, a grown adult, are hitting a disabled child. Probably for years and years. And a 13 year old? The humiliation must be unbearable for him. I hope he gives you a pasting, and soon he will.

I'd really suggest you look into ABA therapy - see what you can do yourself to feel in control without lashing out. There is a very good interview with Ivar Lovaas, you can google it by its title "After you hit a child, you can't just get up and leave him; you are hooked to that kid". It's not just gor ASD kids.

I can't imagine how hard things must be for you, but the truth is all you are doing is paving the way for your son to become violent himself in short order. The only thing he's learning from you is that if you're angry and fed up, you hit someone. Please get whatever help you need to stop this behaviour. If you're losing control you need to walk away.

How in earth hasn't he smacked you back. My adhd and asd is only 8 and he packs a hell of a punch/kick

OP I understand that you are not in a good
place for this to have become a regular occurrence. You cannot continue like this because it is exacerbating the issues - I guarantee you your son is terrified. His parents are the two people he should be able to count on to make him feel as safe as possible. I know it's hard, particularly when it falls mostly on one parent (I have first hand experience of this) but you MUST get this under control and seek support.

My son has the exact same diagnoses and at times throwing myself under a bus has been more appealing than having to go a minute more through the absolute hell when his behaviour is intolerable. He is medicated for his adhd but this is to aid concentration to help him churn out work at school.

It does not help his anxiety, it does not help his temper, it does not help the opposition over nearly everything, it does not help the meltdowns when he has held everything in all day and then explodes at home, it does not help the refusals to leave the house, the chaos he causes when we try and have some family time so we end up doing nothing or coming home within an hour because he acts out dangerously or runs off. We have no quality of life at all. I have no respite at all apart from when he is at school but I also have a 17 month old to look after.

I cannot express to ppl who are not in this predicament how hard it is to bring up a child with special needs. CAMHS is a minefield and you have to constantly chase, and push and harass and cry and get angry and write letters, make phone calls, get the gp involved, liaise with the school. Rinse and repeat - the fight is constant and this is just to get a diagnosis. Once you have that you are pretty much on your own.

As hard as it is to hear please give thought as to how desperate the OP is to have got to this point. There is no excuse for hitting your child though OP, please please please seek help ASAP.

Can you ask this to be moved to SN children/teens? I don't think you're going to get very helpful responses here in the main (well done to the empathetic posters who have replied).

Have you seen this video series about the 30 things parents should know about ADHD? It's brilliant (but hard going) it changed my life.

Never know how much is him pushing boundaries and within his control and how much is impulse control (adhd) or ASD and not understanding the situation.

Can I just clarify with you, that autism isn't like that. Presumably ADHD as well but I am less familiar with that. If you are autistic your brain takes in information and understands it differently. You don't do some behaviours autistically and some non- autistically. Every piece of information and every behaviour is done autistically because that is who you are. It's not like a tap you turn off sometimes - "while I am eating these 3 packets of crisps I am doing that non- autistically, but later when I get stuck on my English homework that is going to be autistically". Everything - everything - is done autistically. That doesn't mean an autistic teen should be allowed to eat 3 packets of crisps or that they might not have been being greedy. Autism isn't an excuse to not teach your child acceptable behaviours. If an NT or an autistic young person has eaten 3 bags of crisps it's still unacceptable.

I don't tend to get that angry with my teens because I either perceive their behaviour as boundary pushing and natural (but unacceptable and requiring mindful pushback) or as a mistake caused by their neurodivergence (and still unacceptable but requiring teaching).

What sorts of behaviours is your son doing that are triggering such anger in you?

My autistic DS tends to:
Do no work (the consequences are his to face; but I have facilitated adjustments to work volume and space; eg he stays after school twice a week to do homework so he has less to do at home)
Not wash (we have a strict timetable and I start his bath running and tell him if it overflows he'll be in trouble, plus I still wash his hair over the side of the bath before he gets in so his hygiene is acceptable)
Not offer to help (he has a couple of jobs timetabled eg set the table, plus plenty of warning to do the job. If the table isn't set, tea isn't served)
Etc etc. So it's a combination of knowing the likely issues and having a plan, plus a bit of adjustment, plus a bit of allowing him to face consequences.

Can you tell us the kind of things your ds does that make you cross? Can we help brainstorm?

If you are out of control when you are doing this, you are doing it out of frustration and anger. If you can't stop it then I would argue this is abusive behaviour.

I think it's all very well being empathetic, but this is abusive behaviour. You are hurting your DS because you can't control your behaviour, it doesn't actually matter how he's behaving.

Thanks for all replies. I have looked up a lot of the suggestions, (the adhd link was very useful) and been to GP. I have been reading a lot about adolescence with ASD too.
I’m determined to change. In terms of what triggers my anger, often last straw situations, repeatedly doing something despite being asked not to, banging noises when people are asleep despite reminding, manhandling the dog inappropriately despite being told over and over. I feel I have smacked his arm to get his attention when he is just not able to listen and is repeating the unwanted behaviour. I need to be more patient, expect things to take more time than they do and be prepared to let a lot of things go. I know he needs that, it is hard though and tiring, which is not an excuse, as it is unacceptable. Thanks all

Could he have medication for his and? I have seen children completely calm down with medication.

He is medicated, but not the most effective and wears off by evening

frogsarejumpy

Well done for stepping up and asking for support. I wish you good luck.

I did a lot of CBT to control my temper. What I realised now that when I am about to loose it it is usually because my anxieties are running very very high. So to de fuse a situation I now walk away from it with my kids and guess what it works!

Then we talk about it and i issue or not consequences calmy.

But what I know now is I need to meditate to let go of the anxieties. CBT helped me be aware of MY triggers, recognize the warning signs of MY temper so I could deal with myself before dealing with a situation with my kids.

In my opinion kids are kids and will challenge and push boundaries. What you can change is your response to it.

Good luck it wont be easy but you can do it. And your life will be better for it eventually

Hi all,
Just to update that I have been to GP and been on a mild AD for a couple of months plus on a waiting list for counselling which will start next week. Family life is much better and wanted to thank you all for your supportive responses.

Whybertie, do you think that parents of disabled children will be sympathetic to them being hit?