Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable - Mother in law issues.

52 replies

mummyto2xxx · 03/06/2019 16:33

Hello, I’m new to here and basically need some unbiased advice. So 15 months ago I gave birth to my little boy who was born at 25 weeks (micro preemie) it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life and I was only 19 years old at the time. My partner and I have almost been together now 6 years but his mum has always caused us issues in our relationship ! When I was pregnant with my lb she insisted on coming to scans and demanded to be at the birth but I just didn’t feel comfortable with that as I have never been close with her. When my pre term labour came on she wanted to be there but I said no as I didn’t know what was going to happen just wanted her to leave me alone. We spent 4 months in NICU and understandably I was so protective of who could visit my baby due to germs and on many occasions she threatened to beat me up and beat the nurses up and get through to see him regardless of what I said. In the end I had to put a password protect on my baby via telephone and entrance to the unit without my consent. Eventually I made up with her and forgave her for my partners sake and ever since we’ve left the hospital I’ve had nothing but bother with her, she gets mad at me because I do a lot with my mum and am close with her but she insists I go to her house the same amount of time - again I’m only civil with her for my partners sake and she has been seeing my lb every week but I don’t feel like it’s down to me to go there all the time with our little one. She doesn’t make much effort with us she excepts us to message her and arrange times to see her and she never asks how I am or how my little boy is. I recently went 5 weeks without hearing from her and I thought god I’ve done something wrong again but she finally messaged me and said she had been ill. (I felt she could’ve advise of that during the period I hadn’t heard from her) I’ve since found out she has told my partner that she thinks I’m unapproachable and that the reason she isn’t involved in his life is because of me and because I’m always busy which was a shock to me as I always ensure she sees him once a week before this row yet again. I’m now pregnant with our next little one and I have been advised that I shouldn’t have any stress in this pregnancy as the last one being premature may have been linked to stress. So I made the decision and said to my partner I won’t be speaking with her throughout this pregnancy as I am not having the stress from her or rows throughout as I know there will be many. He thinks I’m being immature and stupid and has said to me he will not speak to me unless I speak to her but I can’t help but think I just want a healthy baby and she has caused me stress non stop since the pregnancy with my last and is continuing to do so and for the health of me and my baby I feel I should cut ties with her for the foreseeable? Am I being unreasonable for this considering the background (I know it’s a long one but I’ve tried to make it as brief as possible) xx

OP posts:
HolesinTheSoles · 03/06/2019 16:37

If My MiL threatened to beat me up after delivering a preemie baby then threatened the nurses who were keeping my baby alive I wouldn't be seeing her either. I don't see why you need to see or speak to her at all. Make that your partner's job.

mummyto2xxx · 03/06/2019 16:41

Yeah I know! After that situation I didn’t speak to her throughout the NICU journey and then my partner said he’d leave me if I didn’t give her another chance after her apology so I did for his sake. Nothing but aggravation with her since. I’d never expect him not to speak with her however I am so protective of my little baby and she is so violent aggressive, she smokes 40 a day and she’s an alcoholic I never feel comfortable with my partner taking my son alone as he wouldn’t ever think about certain things like smoking around the baby or if she’s shouting and swearing in front of him whereas I would remove us from the situation. So my point is, if I don’t see her then she won’t be able to see the little one just due to my anxiety. Is that unreasonable??

OP posts:
fc301 · 03/06/2019 16:41

YANBU
No contact
Block & ignore
Given the threats of violence I would allow your DP to take DS to visit her (to be revoked if she is in any way abusive around DS)
She IS NOT to be allowed unsupervised access to either child.
Your DP deals with her.
If he cannot support you then you have a DP problem.

I am sorry that this is happening to you, especially as you are so young. Even without the threats of violence her behaviour is appalling. GPs have no rights. You do not have to see her or facilitate access.

redexpat · 03/06/2019 16:42

Your dp thinks its ok for his mum to threaten to beat you up? He chooses her over you? Do you think that's ok?

fc301 · 03/06/2019 16:42

PS your DP is trying to coerce you rather than tackle his toxic mother. You have done nothing wrong.

mummyto2xxx · 03/06/2019 16:43

Thank you for your advice! I currently have her blocked to avoid the abusing messages she would send me! I don’t want her around my little one without me present as my partner never thinks of certain things and would happily sit and watch her smoke a fag infront of him when he has chronic lung disease and to be honest for my own mental health I would never feel comfortable with him being away from me. I have had to perform CPR on my baby 3 times and he never leaves my side ... am I unreasonable ??

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 03/06/2019 16:44

YANBU! wtf! She threatened you and the people working to save your child’s life, it’s totally reasonable she wouldn’t be allowed near you

mummyto2xxx · 03/06/2019 16:44

No I absolutely hate how he is choosing her as I feel we should be his priority but he doesn’t see it that way and it breaks my heart! We’ve been together since school and she’s the only reason we argue :( xx

OP posts:
mummyto2xxx · 03/06/2019 16:46

I just don’t trust her to be around my baby without me being present. How do I go about this as my partner wants her to be apart of our sons life but without me in it. I just don’t feel comfortable with it and they are all making me feel like I’m nasty

OP posts:
fc301 · 03/06/2019 16:46

YANBU
She's an alcoholic, swears, smokes & threatens violence. Your DS is VERY vulnerable.
So she doesn't see him. Protect your child.

mummyto2xxx · 03/06/2019 16:49

I’m so glad I’m not the only person who thinks this! all day I’ve just been made to feel like an awful person but he’s so precious to me and I’d do anything to protect him. I feel like she shouldn’t be in his life and that she doesn’t deserve to be. I just wish my partner would back my decision it’s what makes it 10 times harder.

OP posts:
Beldon · 03/06/2019 16:56

Definitely not being unreasonable! I would have cut off contact a long time ago. She sounds dangerous. Your partner thinks more of his mum than you and your children, he is obviously wanting no stress so prepared to load all the stress on to you

mummyto2xxx · 03/06/2019 16:58

Yes and I’m a massive stress head :( I just wish it wasn’t like this and wish there was a way for him to see sense. I’m glad you all have agreed I’ve made the correct decision xx

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/06/2019 17:04

Why are you with this man? He’s not much better than her.

mummyto2xxx · 03/06/2019 17:07

We’ve been together for almost 6 years. We are still together but I doubt it for much longer! He’s exaclty like her some times just not violent.

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 03/06/2019 17:21

She sounds dangerous and you are absolutely right to keep her out of your life. If you and partner split up you will need to speak to a solicitor about his contact time as usually he will have the right choose how he spends his contact time. Keep all abusive messages.

You are definitely not unreasonable

cranstonmanor · 03/06/2019 17:22

then my partner said he’d leave me if I didn’t give her another chance after her apology

Your relationship is not going to last. He doesn't care about your health at all. Choose yourself and your children. Cut the toxic people out of your life.

Troels · 03/06/2019 17:22

Your Dh needs to go to some appointments with you and hear from the doctors and nurses that you must not be put under this stress for the health of the baby, also he needs to hear from the Paed that his the older baby is not to be around any smoking at all due to his lungs.
Is he so thick that he will risk his childrens lives to pacify his mums temper tantrums? He needs to man up and keep his children safe.

NCforthis2019 · 03/06/2019 17:24

Why are you still with him - this will get worse

lololove · 03/06/2019 17:26

It's very easy for an outsider to say it but I genuinely think that you would be much less stressed and much happier without him too.

The things he's said, the way he hasn't supported you when she was violent a d threatened violence, the insistsnce you had to forgive her or he'd leave you with a baby so fragile? You are worth so much more my darling. You and your babies.

qazxc · 03/06/2019 17:27

You not only have a MIL problem but also a (D)P problem. You and the children should be his priority and he should be able to look after his children responsibly.
Given the volatile, aggressive and drinking of MIL, it isn't unreasonable for you to keep your children away from her.
It's not about her "rights", it's about you and your partner's responsibility to your children and the children's best interest.
If my partner put my child best interest/wellbeing second best, to MIL or anything else, he would be out on his ear.

Frusty · 03/06/2019 17:32

What would your life be like if you lived peacefully away from them both, maybe with your mum?
A dad who doesn’t care about smoke next to his child with lung problems isn’t a dad is he.

mummyto2xxx · 03/06/2019 18:03

Thank you for all your support I really appreciate it! I’ve come to stay with my mum I’m here now with my little boy because he’s just made me feel so bad about the situation and I feel it’s unfair! I’m not sure where him and I stand as he said he will not sit by and enjoy a relationship and ‘happy family’ with me while his mum is upset she can’t see her grandchild. So I guess his decision is made :(

OP posts:
PotsOfJoy · 03/06/2019 18:05

Have you considered kicking MIL right up her foof?

qazxc · 03/06/2019 18:06

His mum can't see her grandchild because of her actions and decisions.
It's not about her, it's about what is best for the kids and your health.

Swipe left for the next trending thread