AIBU to be hurt by MIL not congratulating/mentioning my pregnancy.

[bananabreadforbreakfast]

We’ve around 12 weeks to go until DC3 arrives, and I’ve not heard one jot from MIL since she found out about this pregnancy. We don’t often see her, I guess life sometimes gets in the way (though her making more of an effort with our current DC is an entirely separate issue), but is it really so hard to send a text or a Facebook message saying congratulations?

When anyone in my family or friend circle is pregnant, I’m excited for them! I wish them a happy and healthy pregnancy, tell them good luck and say congratulations, I feel it’s the done thing to do and it takes a whopping 20 seconds out of my day to simply be nice..

FWIW, it’s not like MIL is opposed to social media/WhatsApp etc. She’s always online posting things, always commenting on DH’s and SIL’s things, but me? Nope. Nothing. I understand the excitement probably isn’t as great this time around given it’s our third child, but still, I can’t help feeling a little put out that I’ve been pregnant for 6 months so far and not heard a bloody thing!

Is it normal for MIL’s to not tell their DIL’s congratulations on their pregnancy? Her message to DH didn't state congratulations to us both, or anything like that, so perhaps it's just simply that she's not happy about it?

YANBU

My MIL didn’t congratulate me or DH on our third either. We told her very early so our places on a family holiday could be cancelled and she didn’t congratulate at that point, which was sort of understandable as we were so early on and she was disappointed about the holiday. She still didn’t congratulate at 12 weeks when we announced to the whole family. Nor did she congratulate when DD was born. In fact, her only response was to suggest an alternative name to the one we had given DD.

For whatever reason she had decided we weren’t having anymore, although we had never done anything to indicate either way. We had to skip the family holiday with her too because it was around the due date, which she also wasn’t pleased about. After suffering a MC, I wasn’t that fussed about delaying TTC just to go on a holiday.

As you might be able to tell, she is pretty good at sucking the joy out of happy times, one of the reasons I have as little to do with her as possible.

There’s nothing you can do about it, so not worth worrying about. Focus on you, your DH your children, pregnancy and the people who love you. Don’t give it a thought.

Don't some people think it's bad luck to congratulate at that stage? They prefer to wait until dbaby has arrived safely.

Some people don't go into hyper baby mode until the baby is here and safely delivered.

Is it normal for MIL’s to not tell their DIL’s congratulations on their pregnancy? Her message to DH didn't state congratulations to us both, or anything like that, so perhaps it's just simply that she's not happy about it?

Using the MN mantra of 'let the DH deal with his family in all things' I'm guessing her thoughts/congratulations have been conveyed to her son - you say her message to DH but you don't say what that message is.

We only ever come at these threads from our own perspective, I've no idea if you are financially secure, gainfully employed, home owners, whether you have history of health issues, whether your current children have congenital defects - and yes every pregnancy is special (to the parents) in reality, a lot of the time it would be better if the pregnant couple had exercised more caution. Maybe your MIL has a better insight into your life, thus reservations, than the one you have portrayed?

She's telling you who she is. Try not to be hurt. For whatever reason she is bot happy. The way I would deal with it is say nothing but keep a distance even when baby comes.

She's definitely not withholding a congrats from a 'bad luck' perspective..
DC1 she was very excited about from the get go. Once he arrived, little to no involvement in his life. DC2 I received congratulations/acknowledgment during the pregnancy, but again, has only actually seen him a handful of times.
With this pregnancy though, it's like it's not even happening to her.

She didn't tell DH congratulations, didn't wish us luck, generally didn't seem excited for us.

I can honestly think of zero reasons as to why she's not said anything to me, other than that she doesn't like me I have noticed over the years that she's not exactly warm with me, but even so, I'm carrying her grandchild, saying congratulations isn't difficult, surely?

Just ignore her
She doesn't sound very involved in general so just write her off. You can't choose your family. What does your DH think? Is he bothered? If hes not bothered it shows you they're not that close so its probably not personal and dont worry about it.

YANBU but I do think it’s because it’s your third child. I don’t think anyone really congratulated me on my third or fourth or if they did, it wasn’t many. Didn’t really get many cards after either of them were born either.

Maybe people get a little bored after two children, I’m not sure.

It doesn't sound like you see each other much and don't have a close relationship because of that.

I don't think many people are interested in other peoples pregnancies, even less so when it's not a first child.

Presumably when your DH told her the news she said something then in acknowledgement to him.

Is she environmentally aware? Many people now of the view that having a third child is selfish. She might be one of them.

YANBU. Not even a one line message to say congratulations is rude. I could understand her not fawning over the pregnancy but she should at least acknowledge it.

I did speak to DH not too long ago actually about how he feels about his DM's involvement with our DC's/life in general, and he didn't seem to be massively phased. He's not a big one for expressing openly how he feels about his DM and DSis though, but I do suspect he is actually slightly hurt that our DC's don't appear to be of much importance to his DM.

We don't see her often, no. I've invited her over a few times over the last few years, DH has asked if she'd like to come along on a couple of days out we've had with the kids, and she generally tends to never reply.

Oh it's absolutely not because of the environment, I do know that much!

I completely get that third, fourth and even fifth babies aren't as exciting to others as they are the parents, but, it's still her grandchild and it really does only take 10 seconds to send a message saying 'congrats, hope the pregnancy goes well!'

My Dp told his family about our pregnancy (dc3) 3 weeks ago, I received a congratulations message from his auntie but not a peep from his mum or sister! I think I've passed the point of giving a shit now!

You're setting yourself up to be disappointed here.

You've got two children already, she congratulated you for the first two but doesn't bother to come and see them, your husband doesn't seem very close to them and she doesn't really engage with you. Given that, she's probably not very excited about a third child that she won't see, either.

You'll probably never understand her, but don't tie yourself in knots wondering why she hasn't bothered. Most MILs would congratulate their DILs, I would guess, and most MILs would come and visit their grandchildren... but she's not most and you're unlikely to be able to make her want to be more involved.

Congratulations

Do you go and see her?

Sounds like you're looking for problems tbh. What does it matter? I had a DC last year and am pregnant again and neither time did my DP's Mum congratulate me. I hadn't even thought anything of it until I read your post either tbh. I think you're trying to find something to criticise about her. Just let it go. Life is too short for unnecessary drama.

That's strange. Mine walked off in a strop when we told her. I'll never forget that. We had spent a long time wondering if we could ever have children, and that was her reaction. I just focused on myself and the baby. Don't let her behaviour ruin things for you. Enjoy every moment.

Do you think she just avoids things, rather than feeling unwanted?
If she comments and it upsets you, better to not comment and not be wrong.

Maybe she thinks 3 DCs is one too many - but rather than say that just hasn't said anything.

I wouldn't say that I'm looking for problems, I just think it's unusual not to congratulate a member of family on their pregnancy. I guess I assumed it was something that DM's and MIL's alike do, but perhaps not!

OP, some people are just shits. My own mother never congratulated me on my first pregnancy. She was a narcissist, and I suspect didn’t like the thought of being a granny, which clashed with her glamorous self image. She didn’t love her own DC, so was never going to be thrilled about a GC. I went no contact with her before DD1 was born, and she died four years later, unlamented.

How many children does MIL have?

Nah - she’s just not interested that’s all, this is your baby not hers - congratulations anyway OP. My MIL didn’t congratulate me on my second pregnancy either - didn’t bother me. Sent a card and a gift after the birth though

She has 2DC's, I can't be certain but I think she's either one of two, or one of three herself. SIL has 3DC's so it's not like we're the only ones to have a 'large' family.

I'm starting to think ahead to the birth of DC3, and picturing her turning up in the hospital to see the baby even though she's had no involvement so far or taken no interest. That kind of angers me a little

Can you realistically afford 3 children, is it possible she disapproves for some reason?