AIBU to be hurt by MIL not congratulating/mentioning my pregnancy.

[bananabreadforbreakfast]

We’ve around 12 weeks to go until DC3 arrives, and I’ve not heard one jot from MIL since she found out about this pregnancy. We don’t often see her, I guess life sometimes gets in the way (though her making more of an effort with our current DC is an entirely separate issue), but is it really so hard to send a text or a Facebook message saying congratulations?

When anyone in my family or friend circle is pregnant, I’m excited for them! I wish them a happy and healthy pregnancy, tell them good luck and say congratulations, I feel it’s the done thing to do and it takes a whopping 20 seconds out of my day to simply be nice..

FWIW, it’s not like MIL is opposed to social media/WhatsApp etc. She’s always online posting things, always commenting on DH’s and SIL’s things, but me? Nope. Nothing. I understand the excitement probably isn’t as great this time around given it’s our third child, but still, I can’t help feeling a little put out that I’ve been pregnant for 6 months so far and not heard a bloody thing!

Is it normal for MIL’s to not tell their DIL’s congratulations on their pregnancy? Her message to DH didn't state congratulations to us both, or anything like that, so perhaps it's just simply that she's not happy about it?

Yeah it’s shit if she can’t even say congrats, but I wouldn’t waste your time or energy being bothered about someone who clearly isn’t interested in you or your baby.

With our second child my mil said congrats when we told them but then nothing the entire time I was pregnant (this was on improvement on our first, she didn’t even say congrats as we weren’t married, been together 10 years but not married she said “how did this happen”). She ignored me the entire time I was pregnant second time, never once asked how you doing. My husband called her out on it when he went over without me, his mum said “aren’t you going to ask how I am?” (ME ME ME) So he replied “well no aren’t you going to ask how my pregnant wife is?” Moment the baby was born, she sent messages directly to me begging to see the baby (again no “how you doing having just given birth 20 minutes ago?”). She doesn’t like me though!!

Every single pg one of the DGP has had a go at us for different reasons each time.

They don't babysit and have never been needed for childcare so impact on them has been minimal.

Their gripes: Too young to be GP – despite us not being very young, didn’t want as many DGC or didn’t want them at that time or someone else was pg.

It hasn't affected how the are with the kids. It was upsetting to us at the time but ignoring it and trying not to think about it are IME best.

Well what did she say to DH when he told her you were pregnant? Presumably she was either happy and offered congratulations, which could reasonably assume to extend to you even if not offered to you directly. Or she was unhappy, in which case you have bigger problems than lack of congratulations!

I think it was nothing more than 'when's the due date? Is it pink or blue?' so no real happiness shown, but I guess no disappointment either. I dunno, it just seems really odd to me.
It's a shame she's not cared about this pregnancy and has little to no involvement with the DC's, but I suppose rather than me trying to figure out why and even how she's the way she is, I just need to learn to accept it.

Look, my mother in law never congratulated me on my pregnancy or when my little girl was born. Ever. She is her only grandchild and always will be. God know what goes on in her head. I dont bother any more with her. I send my husband's brother and sister pics, as they are delighted. She gets shown them and seems to enjoy them, I let my husband deal with her.

I understand that you would feel a bit hurt although given MIL doesn’t really show much interest in her GC it shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise.

Try and let it wash over you if you can. Otherwise these things can eat away at us. Fwiw it sounds like she could disapprove of a third baby, how old are your other DC?

I really wouldn't waste any more time and energy worrying about this; if she wants to contribute, then great. If not, then just get on with your lives. You can force people to be interested in your children.

Just enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to meeting DC3.

Op I know how you feel. My own father ignored my pregnancy and never said congrats. According to my equally narcist mother its because she told him instead of me personally (I didnt feel comfortable telling him so she did on behalf of me). Any possibility a similar thing is going on?

YANBU btw. It hurts and is one of the many reasons why I am NC with my parents.

From MIL, only comments:-

No 1 baby, How will you manage his meals when you're in hospital?

No 2 baby, exactly one year later You're worse than rabbits.

Nothing else, we were abroad so communication was via letter, neither pregnancy was ever referred to!

I'm starting to think ahead to the birth of DC3, and picturing her turning up in the hospital to see the baby even though she's had no involvement so far or taken no interest. That kind of angers me a little
Well you know what to do then - make it clear to dh and your medical team that you do not want her there and make sure she isn't allowed in even if she turns up.

The thing that would occur to me is - this is your DH's baby too, so yes if she's busy commenting on his social media but hasn't even acknowledged to him that she's pleased or interested in HIS upcoming new baby then that's actually more of a snub to him. I'd ask him how he feels about that, and don't feel guilty for one or both of you pulling way back on, eg bothering with her on social media in return.

Secondly, the hospital thing. Don't have her there - simple as. It's your decision, and you do what feels ok for you, especially post birth. She doesn't like it? Well, you haven't liked it when you've invited her down to see you/out with you and the other DC and she hasn't even had the manners to REPLY to you, so, well tough shit really!

'We'll give you a call when we're at home and ready for visitors'

'No I'd rather come and visit in hospital'

'No we don't want that, we want to get settled and feel ok after the birth and have a few days' grace'

'But I want to see GC as soon as possible'

'Why? You don't see any of us very often despite invitations, so that must generally suit you ok. Just like you, we will be doing what suits us, and that means we'll see you when we're ready after the birth.'

Maybe you leave out the last bit, but basically - don't dance to her tune if she starts playing one.

If she's doing this as a deliberate snub, she'll be wanting you to notice. In which case, the response guaranteed to irk her the most is not to notice. If it's a general lack of interest or an oversight on her part, the best response is still not to notice. You could come to think of this as par for the course, bearing in mind her typical attitude toward her DGC.

Of course, if it comes to her wanting front and centre stage at the birth and milestone-celebrations of your DC's lives: wanting Christmas spent with her and so forth, you know what to do. And as for the birth itself, this is your body, your call, and one time in your life when you are allowed to insist things are done your way. Even your DH's wants come secondary to your needs as a patient undergoing a major medical trauma. You're not a receptacle for providing your MiL with a spectator sport. Honestly, the sense of entitlement harboured by these women - especially when they've shown zero interest the rest of the time - is perplexing. My own MiL tried the same trick on my DH - over my head and without even asking me - and was forcefully told no.

BTW, many congratulations!

YANBU
My MIL asked my husband if our baby was a mistake and refused to acknowledge the baby until I was about 7 months. She then flipped and even seemed a bit excited.

I was really hurt and genuinely envisaged my DC not having a relationship with his GP.