To ask you to help me understand my ex?

[russley]

Relationship ended some months back. We have a child. Lots of safeguarding concerns from my point of view. My ex:

• angry very easily. Loses the plot and starts punching things for as little as a stubbed toe (in front of his child).
• offended very easily. If confronted about anything gets shirty and snaps. Very sarcastic and rude.
• can't seem to appreciate the opinion of others especially if vastly different to his.
• doesn't have many friends. Never really goes out or seems to desire a social life.
• doesn't seem to see that he's doing anything wrong. He admits he has anger management issues but still seems to think he's hard done by and that I'm the one that ruined our relationship by leaving.
• seems to have conditioned me in to feeling sorry for him. I got an injunction against him and cried, but because I felt bad, even though he's abused me horribly (emotionally).
• seems to dislike women.

I know. Sounds like he's just a misogynistic arsehole. But is there a reason he's like this? (I'm not asking for the reason, just possibly the psychology behind this type of behaviour?). Why do I feel sorry for him even though he's treated me so poorly?

I'm at a loss and so drained by it all.

I hate that I feel so sorry for him. But part of that I think is because I am far too empathetic for my own good. I hate it.

Bumping.

Not sure what I'm looking for from this thread. Feeling low.

I wouldn’t bother analysing someone you are moving on from.

@Iamnotagoddess it's hard, because he will always be in my life. I'm trying to justify my actions to myself. I find it cathartic and it is helping me move on, I guess.

Does he have any underlying mental health issues , or deep buried issues he hasn't dealt with ??

There may well be a reason why he is like this, but, ultimately, the one question which is important is 'does he make you happy'?

People like this live miserable lives, and drag the people who love them and deserve better into their chaotic scenes as well.

Horrible though, isn't it?

You can't judge the psychology behind actions reliably without being face to face with them, observing their behaviour. Otherwise it's through a slant - either their own, or in this case, through your eyes and your interpretation.

Move on, it sounds like the right thing to do. You'll probably never understand him,you have to be okay with that.

I wouldn’t try and think he’s got an underlying mental heath issue to make up for his poor behaviour and attitude towards you. He is probably just a cock. Sorry you’ve had to go through this x

@lovemylkids43 he's just like his dad, who is a vile, nasty human being. He idolises him, and hates his mum. He's convinced himself his mum was abusive, which I believed for a while. I've since spoken to his brothers and it seems his mum was not abusive at all. She was harsh on him because he was extremely horrible to her, so she would confiscate his games and would lose her rag because she was at her wits end. He remembers her being 'abusive' but not his own horrific behaviour (raising his fists, shouting, stealing from her etc).

I'm not sure that he's had anything bad happen to him in his life.

If he seeks physical and mental support for his anger management issues then he might be able to get to the bottom of it. After that he might be able to learn how to deal with it. It doesn't sound like he's in the right place for being in a relationship, nor for being with a small child.

Don't second guess, turn to plans for the future. I understand you're upset and you wish things could be different for your DC's sake, but they aren't. So the best thing you can do is put your happy face on and start making a better life for you and your DC. Sending virtual hugs for you having a hard time though.

I guess I just want to understand why he is the way he is, because eventually I will be leaving my child with him overnight. This kills me to think about.

I would surmise that the bad thing that's happened to him is growing up with a vile father and damaging interaction between the mother and father I would guess. If he's the eldest that can bring shit too. He's not learned how to process negative feelings healthily.

He sounds like misogynistic, narcissistic tool. You'll end up more miserable if you waste time on analysing him tho. Focus on yourself and doing whatever it takes to get over him. Your home and life is surely more peaceful without him so that's a start. It took me around 3 years to fully get over my ex, who was very similar. Now I look back and cringe that I put up with his nonsense. Yet at the time we finished I was desolate as felt I couldn't live without him, nor would I ever feel able to be with another man. Nonsense, of course but you're not aware of that at the time. I used to analyse him too but stopped pretty sharpish as he is who he is - there will never come a point when you think 'oooh right, I understand him so now I'm happy'.

@Girlofgold weirdly, he's a twin. His twin is very close to his mum and cannot stand his dad.

he is copying his father as a role model.
i dont think he will change and good job you left him.
i would worry how his behaviour will affect your dc and if i were you i wouldnt leave him overnight.

@bluebell34567 this is my worry. He's taking me to court. They fail women and children so badly that they will absolutely give him overnight stays....

in the court you will have to present your evidence of him being vile.

Sounds like power struggles in that house. I'm totally making this up but, mum and dad don't get on, dad gets angry, mum hates dad, punishes one son for being like him, favours twin blah blah.

maybe he is just trying to scare you that he will take you to court.
many men do that and they dont see their dc for many years, they dont bother.

I have no idea @Girlofgold - his dad is 30 years older than his mum and split up when he was 2.

It's actually really interesting talking about this as I've never put it in paper (or phone!) before

Hopefully he's just trying to scare me but I don't think he is. He took his ex to court for the same bloody thing!

I have two exes I have children with and neither them are in my life anymore but have a relationship with their children.

Much better for me.

Argh the whole thing is just messing with me so much

stop analyzing him. you are at one of the phases of seperation i think.
good job you left him, he sounds unbearable.
in future hopefully you will meet someone who deserves you.

A few of the things you’ve said make me think perhaps covert narcissism - maybe google it and see if rings any bells.

Could just be that he’s a bad human being though.