To ask you to help me understand my ex?

[russley]

Relationship ended some months back. We have a child. Lots of safeguarding concerns from my point of view. My ex:

• angry very easily. Loses the plot and starts punching things for as little as a stubbed toe (in front of his child).
• offended very easily. If confronted about anything gets shirty and snaps. Very sarcastic and rude.
• can't seem to appreciate the opinion of others especially if vastly different to his.
• doesn't have many friends. Never really goes out or seems to desire a social life.
• doesn't seem to see that he's doing anything wrong. He admits he has anger management issues but still seems to think he's hard done by and that I'm the one that ruined our relationship by leaving.
• seems to have conditioned me in to feeling sorry for him. I got an injunction against him and cried, but because I felt bad, even though he's abused me horribly (emotionally).
• seems to dislike women.

I know. Sounds like he's just a misogynistic arsehole. But is there a reason he's like this? (I'm not asking for the reason, just possibly the psychology behind this type of behaviour?). Why do I feel sorry for him even though he's treated me so poorly?

I'm at a loss and so drained by it all.

Reading about covert narcissism now. He's definitely a narcissist.

As mentioned earlier, part of the introvert narcissist’s insecurity is the inability to genuinely connect with people. To this extent, the aloofness and/or smugness serve as a defensive mechanism keeping people away, lest the narcissist is exposed for her or his interpersonal inadequacies. Some introvert narcissists narrowly focus on self-absorbing work, technology, social networkingg, small cliques, books, games, fantasiess, and/or other endeavors to minimize wider human interactions. These activities may also help them enact their covert, self-important personas.

Wow, yes this. Spot on.

Hes modelling the relationship behaviour he saw growing up. Your early parental relationships set the template for your future ones.

That's really interesting @CSIblonde - and what I always suspected. It also makes me feel like it's not his fault and that makes me feel guilty for leaving him and getting an injunction/stopping him seeing his son. It's all necessary as he's not safe, but I hate feeling guilty, as he was so abusive towards me.

He could have behaved like his twin, though, couldn't he?

Don't try and absolve him of responsibility for his actions. He's not a helpless little five year old now.

Yes @MitziK that's a very good point.

I really recommend reading men who hate women and the women who love them. You could be so describing my ex husband

This isn’t helpful but why the hell do women continue to have children with unsuitable men? It’s teally not hard to not have a baby.

Why are you trying to understand him? He is not there for you fix him or make him see the error of his ways!

Seriously i was you ip until the birth of my youngest. I tried so hard to try make him understand things from my pov, to try get him to at least acknowledge what he had done, but nothing worked. And i too was do depressed, lost, until i just suddenly thought that it was no longer my job to educate him. He screwed up, his problem not mine. And since i stopped giving a shit, emotionally i feel so much stronger.

You're right @Kiwiinkits it's not helpful.