Aibu or is this not normal?

[purplecolourcat]

If your a sahm with no income of your own do you have to ask your partner ( babies dad ) for money for things for your children or do you have access to the money to just go and buy it without asking?
And does your partner speak with you first before spending a large amount of money?
Do you feel like it's " his " money or family money? Xx

We have a joint account that all money goes into. I have a card, as does he, and we spend money as we need or want to. We discuss large purchases. (Generally one says they'd love to buy this, but it's too much money, and the other eggs them on to buy it anyway. This is why, despite making good money, we never have any money. We are PANTS with money!)

We pool all of our money into a joint account then take an equal amount back out each to spend how we wish. This has always worked as it evens out over payrises/job losses etc. DH has earned more than me the last few years but is happy with this arrangement.

Big purchases we discuss but everything comes out of the joint account. The "pocket money" we take every month we use on clothes/toiletries/drinks out or could treat the other person to dinner or something if we wanted.

Currently pregnant with our first and we will keeping the same arrangement despite me earning significantly less (and eventually F-All) while on maternity leave.

Here's my situation which I don't think is normal, sahm 1 dd partner earns the wages he will leave his card or cash for me but a lot of the time I have to say dd needs this or that, I have the child benefit money but that doesn't go far, I feel really awful asking him all the time, I don't think this is normal!! He has just spend 250 on his brothers stag do and will be at least 250 on his brothers wedding yet I'm having to ask him if I can order dd a toliet seat to start training her to use the loo, when I asked to buy her her first shoes ( they were £14 ) he said he'd have to check the bank first!! Xx

Did you not agree how the finances would work before you deduced to be a stay at home mum?

Nope, it should be a joint account you have completely equal access too. What if you need clothes or something? You’re not his servant you’re his partner.

Yes we did discuss it, he said at the time we would have everything we need without me having to ask xx

You might need to remind him of that conversation OP, I don't think that's fair at all?!

You need to discuss this and either have a joint account or he sets up a standing order with a set amount going into your account each month.

SAHM and we don't have a joint current account but have joint savings and credit card. OH transfers money to me every week to cover groceries, school lunches etc and my living expenses. Clothes for the children and I and petrol I put on the credit card and he then pays this off every month. Mortgage, household bills , nursery fees are all paid from his account.He said years ago about a joint account but I prefer it this way.

It's family money. My DH is self employed so money comes in fits and starts and varies in amounts. I control the finances so he transfers me all the money he doesn't need and then I put it where it needs to be ...and spend the rest!

I have no money of my own as such, but me and my husband have a join the account, I buy what I want and he buys what he wants but if it’s expensive (over £150) we discuss it first either way. I think it’s very odd you have to ask your husband for minor things, do you need to ask for clothes money etc? Seems very odd and not fair at all. He may make the money but you both earn it.

As for my clothes, I spent some birthday money from family on clothes for me or I have second hand xx

If I don’t have money and I need some I might ask DH for some but I usually have our joint card which usually has plenty for everyday expenditures. Obviously we consult each other on big spends (although not necessarily in an asking permission kind of way more I’m planing to buy x for y amount-does that work?) but we’re married so thefynamic May be a bit different as everything is a family asset one way or another.

Not fair that you have to ask him for every little thing when you agreed before that you would have everything you need without having to ask.

Personally, we have a joint credit card, and I put all expenses on that, which is paid from his wage account each month in full. If I want cash, I will mention it and he will give me cash (but most things these days are paid with a card so it is quite rare).

Previously, and in the future when I return to work, things will be the same, but I will transfer an agreed amount from my wages into the account that pays the credit card bill.

I am a SAHM and DH works. He's on low income so I'm eligible for some benefits which are paid to me and he also gives me money each month. Bills and everything are in my name and I'll do food shops, so basically it's shared.

Dh has set up a standing order to cover dc’s and my living expenses each month. He pays the bills out of his own account. Before I stopped work we wrote down everything that I would be in charge of buying for the household/dc plus personal spends and decided on a monthly amount that would mean I didn’t need to ask for money. Works for us.

Oh OP, that isn't right at all. As a family you made a lifestyle choice that he would work and you would care for the children. That should automatically mean that it's shared income. The way it is now it means that not only does he have all the money but also all the power.

Agree with @Seaandsand83 , he can't have it both ways. Your job is just as important as his, and you are both bringing different things to the table but it is teamwork first and foremost and you should both get the benefits of the work the team puts in.

You not seeing much of the money he earns (or having to ask for it) would be like him having to ask to spend time with the child you are looking after which I'm sure he would agree is completely unreasonable.

Joint account,bills get paid ,usually not much left after food and clothes bought.
Neither of us want the bills the bounce so we both know when to draw the line

Sounds like financial control.

I’m an older SAHM and try to stick to an agreed spend per month as that’s what we have budgeted for, for the year. I buy stuff using my credit/debit card without recourse to DH.
At the end of the month DH asks how much I need and pays x into my bank account to cover credit card/debit card payments.
We discuss purchase of major items, like cars etc. We have one joint account but I never use that.

I buy what I want but I’m much more frugal these days. For instance, I used to blow money on pointless nice shoes and bags etc. when working but these things don’t interest me now. I enjoy my hobbies of sewing and gardening much more so buy stuff related to that.

I do spend more than DH on myself but then DH has always been extremely frugal, no interest in material stuff and has to be persuaded to buy himself new clothes/shoes etc.

OP, I think you need to sit DH down and have a straight conversation. Point out you’re not his employee.

We have a joint account and equal access to everything. Every pay day we discuss what extras will need to be paid for that month (ie if the dc need new shoes etc) so that we have a clear idea of what's available to spend.

Ok so he said you'd have everything you need without having to ask.

Then what? How was this to be put into place, what was the agreement? Did he agree to put his whole salary into an account that you had access? I'm sure the conversation didn't just stop there and you quit work based on it, it must have went into the logistics of how you'd manage day to day?

Joint account, large purchases a joint decision otherwise bought what we needed, helps we are naturally frugal

I'm single so it's all my own money but my parents (married 1946) always had a joint account. Mum didn't work after the first two years due to Dad's job taking them abroad but she had full access to everything. They would discuss big purchases but Mum had day-to-day control - she even had to give Dad cash to go to the pub! 😁 They were partners and equal ones.

It seems controlling and abusive to not treat you as an equal partner. Are you married? You have agreed your roles in this partnership but that doesn't mean that he can withhold what is in effect partnership money. I would clarify exactly where you stand and get yourself some financial security, even if it means going back to work.