About these divorce proceedings

[atr79gb]

I'm in the process of separating and divorcing from my wife.

I currently provide everything for her financially. We have 2 children aged 5 and 8 and the family home has around £200K equity in it.

Since the split, she has been perfectly capable of working but has chosen not to.

-I've suggested a 50/50 custody split. I'm fortunate enough to have a flexible working schedule and would be able to commit this. Her view is that she wants to be the primary carer - there isn't a valid reason for this to be the case other than the fact that this is what she wants. It's worth noting that we currently both have an active role in their lives and I believe a 50/50 split would be in the children's best interests.

-She wants to stay in the current property until the kids are 18. This would mean that I would be locked into a mortgage for a place I'm not living in for the next 13 years. This would make it very difficult for me to buy my own property. It seems very disadvantageous to have equity tied up for the next 14 years AND to continue to have the mortgage in my name.

I'm going to see a mediator next week who I'm expecting to give her much more reasonable expectations of her obligations.

But it does feel as if she's trying to take me for a ride. Am I being unreasonable?

50/50 custody seems most fair if your job will allow it.

Sell the house, split the proceeds equally and each buy your own (smaller) place.

She needs to get a job.

YANBU.

Kids are both equally yours but a lot of women see kids as their possession and feel they have more right to be main carer.
I think times have moved on from the old fashioned view of mum stays home and raises kids.
If you've been a very active parent and can provide time for them outside working hours I don't see why a court wouldn't agree to shared custody.
My husband had to take his ex to court for contact order and we didn't even bother with a solicitor. He self represented.
Not sure about house though. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable living in my ex house whilst he paid mortgage. I'd rather be independent and not be beholden to anyone.

If she hasn’t worked since your children were born, she is primary carer and you may have an uphill struggle to change that. She will need to pay her own bills and depending on your actual earnings and her potential earning, both child and spousal maintenance are a possibility, but if she can afford the family home, you may again struggle to change that. You need to remember that divorce tries to put a couple back out into the world on a roughly equal financial footing. Is your marriage long and what is your pension like? You might want to offset the cost of the house against keeping your pension in one piece.

You will get lots of people telling you that she’s unreasonable. Unfortunately, it is not so black and white and you need to be fair and reasonable. In particular, as many arguments there are for 50/50 care, there are as many against. Lots of children find it unsettling so some kind of compromise might be better than asking a judge to sort it. Don’t dig your heels in because you can, your children need one of their parents to be able to compromise. If you are a high earner, be generous when it comes to childcare as that can be a major hurdle to overcome in getting back into work.

If she hasn’t worked since your children were born, she is primary carer and you may have an uphill struggle to change that.

That doesn't mean that she shouldn't try. I was a SAHM when ex H and I split up. I went out and got a job. Not one that I particularly wanted, but it led to something better and I most certainly didn't expect my ex to sub me until our DS was 18, I really despise that attitude. We agreed a 50/50 split, sold the house and each made a small, but lovely home for DS. That is a compromise.

OP YANBU at all.

So she doesn’t work? She doesn’t want to be the primary career; she is the primary career. This will make some difference to the final split of assets, because her earning power has - it will probably be assumed - been reduced by childcare.

If he works flexibly and has done so far to be there for the kids. It would be quite easy to change it from her being the primary carer.

Depends on how much he does for the kids now.

Personally, when I got divorced no way would I have remained tied by the house. My understanding is that a lot of judges prefer a clean break. But that will depend on wether she can reasonably house the kids.

As she has been out of work a while, I would propose she gets more than half the equity (she may get spousal support if you are high earner for a period so she can get back into work).

Judges dont really support the mother never working again.

If the property is in joint names, then nothing would change, you would continue to co-own it - so you would get your investment back after 14 years when it is sold.

Spousal maint is very rare these days.

Even if she stays in the house, I don't think she gets to keep it. IIRC when the children reach 18 you can sell and she has to leave or buy you out.

The children are at school now, there's no reason she couldn't work part time.

I think you're right to try and push for the sale of the house and 50/50, you both need to be able to afford to have a decent home for the dc now. You need to give her time to get used to the idea, if the divorce and separation is being instigated by you and she would have wanted to stay together, then she does deserve a decent amount of time. This will have turned her world upside down and will be hurting her a lot, so you can't expect her to agree to everything you want overnight.

It's unlikely that she's deliberately trying to take you for a ride, more that she'll be thinking this is your choice so why should hers and the dcs lives have to change so drastically when it's not what they want and there's no benefit to them. You need to be understanding but expect her to be reasonable too. 50/50 is fair with both the children and the house.

We agreed a 50/50 split, sold the house and each made a small, but lovely home for DS

Which is great when both parties are able to talk and work out what is best. Unfortunately, if both sides get entrenched in their view being ‘best’, it can be difficult to shift. Compromise isn’t always about 50/50. Brokering 3 nights a week deal, for example, with a parent keen to have an every other weekend deal or nothing is a compromise - both sides ‘win’, court avoided.

My personal opinion is unless there is a good reason that 50/50 custody is not usually in the children's best interest, as they're the ones pulled from pillar to post and left feeling rudderless as they don't have a base.

If your children are used to your wife being the primary carer the kindest thing is to continue this.

But obviously it is fair for you to split the equity in the house and she needs work to support her children as, well as you.

Thanks for all the replies.

NailsNeedDoing - in answer to your question, the separation was instigated by herself.

However, since then she has pretty much buried her head in the sand. I'm merely trying to find a way to create a future that is reasonable to both of us.

I'm willing to be flexible on equity. However, it does seem unreasonable to have my equity tied up for a long period of time and for me to continue to pay into the mortgage (she would be unable to pay the mortgage solely based on her own income).

You both rent the same one bedroom flat. You stay in flat half of the time. You stay in house half of the time. You and your ex then alternate ie when you're in house she is in the flat. Kids getvtobstay in their own home and it's the adults who move back and forth. Just a suggestion!

In that case, I can completely understand why you feel like you're being taken for a ride!

If she wants you to leave the house but carry on paying for it and to pay all hers and the dcs other expenses while she carries on not working then she is being very grabby.

Good luck with the mediation.

Well. I suspec t she might be getting egged on. The question to some extent is how high an earner are you?

A friend of ours ... works part time but on £25k. Husband (also a friend) on 6 figures). Split up, his decision but privately we completely get why he is sick of her. She thought she would screw him and was virtually at court and settled just before the hearing. She got spousal but only until the kids are 18 which is max 7 year. She didn't get all the house capital and non of his substantial pension. The judge on indicative hearings sent her a clear message that he wasn't a meal ticket for life and once the kids were 18 sort herself out!!

I'm now sick of listening to her moaning. She is about to get cut off as we are sick of her moaning and seeing him
As a meal ticket

atr79gb

Good luck with the mediation, unless she is willing to compromise there will be little point in it.

The truth of the matter is that you need proper legal advice.
Some lawyers offer a 30 minute free consultation but you may have to look around.

In the out come should (possibly, might be) a combination of what is best for the kids and a percentage of salary, pension. dividends etc.

Spousal support if given should be finite as the courts expect the RP to go to work.

MarieG10 - I earn £69k per year so enough to be comfortable but that obviously depends on child/spousal maintenance commitments.

I'm not sure what the legal view might be on spousal maintenance?

Is spousal maintenance even a thing nowadays?
I think you need to sell the FH split the proceeds then both move into somewhere smaller.
That would be the fair thing to do but your EX sounds like mine....offered me £20,000, expected me to find somewhere suitable for me and 3DCs on that. Took me 3 years to get decree absolute as the court kept sending it back to my solicitor as they felt EXDH was not being fair. Expect your EX to do the same....she will argue the toss over everything and your divorce will take longer than Brexit.
Sounds like she wants to be main carer in order to claim more money.

Spousal maintenance is still thing. But it's rare.

Judge would be more likely to give her larger share of equity.

Clean breaks are preffered now.

Especially since, in the wage quoted, it would be difficult for him to get a second mortgage.

It is not really possible to suggest what someone else may get in a divorce. However, I wouldn't have thought you earned enough for spousal maintenance to be a thing, especially with school age children.
A (male) friend of mine recently ended up with 50/50 residence, an order to pay expenses that were over usual and pre agreed child outgoings (e.g. trips) in addition to a fixed monthly CM amount. Xwife has a year to stay in the house to give her time to find a job, then the house must be sold or one party buys the other out.

Which is great when both parties are able to talk and work out what is best.

Please don't assume this was easy @CanILeavenowplease, we could barely look at each other never mind have a civil conversation at that point and we needed help to communicate a resolution. It was an awful time. But we both knew that DS would benefit from 50/50 and that was our priority. Too many divorces use children as pawns for one party to get their own way, or to get to their ex, rather than having the best interests of the child at heart. I might have thought my ex was a wanker at that point, but I knew he loved DS.

I am separated
I gave 25 years to this marriage
While he was building his empire I took care of house and children
Nothing in my name
Anyone know good lawyer he is leaving with his new girl
I am desperate

How active a parent have you been prior to this OP? Have you been a 50/50 parent (everything from mental load, to life planning, to doctors appts, clothes shopping, dentist appts, clubs, holiday clubs, afterschool clubs, pick-up/drop off, playdates, homework, learning in the home etc) or has your ex wife been the primary care giver apart from disney dad at the weekends and bath/bed time?

That's not me being snarky, that's me asking a genuine question btw.

@Mako2001 your situation sounds very different to the OPs and I'm genuinely sorry that you're in this situation.