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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get social services involved - with myself?

42 replies

DifficultSituation19 · 01/06/2019 20:14

I am in a really tricky situation with my 9 year old dd.

Very long story short, her father has not seen her since she was a toddler, when he kidnapped her and refused to return her. There is a massive backstory of really extreme emotional abuse towards me too. He has antisocial personality disorder (a psychopath in lay-man's terms). The police eventually got her back and that was the last time he saw her. I immediately went to court, which ended up being such a complex case it took 2.5 years to resolve. The end result was that a zero contact order was given, put in place until she was 16. No letterbox contact, nothing. The reason for this being that he would be almost certain to cause her emotional harm.

So obviously dd remembers nothing about him. During the court case, I spoke to the CAFCASS SW about how to handle telling DD about her father as she got older, and she advised to mention him every so often and just add more to the story in an age appropriate way as she gets older. I have been trying to do this.

On to DD, she's currently being assessed for ASD. She is completely neurotic about a lot of stuff, that there is really nothing scary about. But my situation is this; she's getting to the age where it's the norm for kids to go to the park or local local shop on their own, or walk to and from school (we live in a small, safe community). So a couple of months ago I had to tell her more about her father. The fact is that he is completely unhinged (and dangerous) and there is a very real risk that he will attempt to abduct her. Obviously I haven't worded it like that to her, but there's not too many ways you can sugar-coat it really.

So now DD is terrified to leave my sight. To the point where she won't stay in the car when I pay for fuel, or be on a different floor of the house to me. She has regressed behaviourally in many ways too. I keep trying to reassure her that I will keep her safe, but in her head she now believes that this scary man is going to get her. It's so hard, there's a thin line between making her aware of the dangers and scaring the bejeezus out of her, and I'm not sure I've got it right. I know it's a lot for any kid to get their head around, even if they're NT, and she's not.

I really feel like I need some expert help here so it doesn't mess her up. I don't have much money but does anyone know who would be best to get in touch with? The SW from CAFCASS was brilliant which is why I thought social services, but would I be better off going to the GP and asking for health there? I know CAMHS are next to useless but not sure what else is available (and I doubt she'd be seen by CAMHS anyway as she's not trying to kill herself).

Any advice appreciated. I hate him even more than I already hated him for being in this situation, but I knew the day would come.

OP posts:
Original poster
DifficultSituation19 · 01/06/2019 20:16

*help not health Blush

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 01/06/2019 20:17

Social services could signpost you to services but I doubt they would do much more. I’d go to your gp for camhs but also speak to the school about some potential counselling as they may have someone in school. Could you afford to fund any counselling yourself ?

Justincase87 · 01/06/2019 20:18

I would potentially do both, the mental health will need to be addressed but just ringing social services may offer some advice how to deal with the specific situation - what an awful situation to be in but you're doing the right thing by seeking solutions - good luck.

ReganSomerset · 01/06/2019 20:18

How long has this been going on for? I think it'll probably get better over time. It seems you did rather overstate the danger but it's too late now to change that.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/06/2019 20:19

I would ask the people carrying out the ASD assessment for the most effective way to communicate and manage her fears.

There will be a team of social workers for children with disabilities but I don’t know that ASD (diagnosed at 9) and previous trauma will be enough to get you support. No harm in asking I suppose.

Well done though, you sound like a great mum and you’ve survived a lot.

PenguinsRabbits · 01/06/2019 20:22

If you ask at school they may have access to a family support worker who could help you. I think she may just need more time though, my DS is ASD and it was 11 before he would go anywhere alone. Or does she have a friend she could go with?

Original poster
DifficultSituation19 · 01/06/2019 20:24

It's been going on for a couple of months since she was talking about being able to walk home from school next school year (they're allowed to in Year 5). I tried to understate it as much as I could, but told her she needs to be aware that if someone comes up to her saying he's her dad and tries to get her to go with him, she mustn't because he is not a nice person and did some very bad things to us. Problem is, he is the master of manipulation and can convince anyone of anything so she would be putty in his hands.

OP posts:
Original poster
DifficultSituation19 · 01/06/2019 20:26

My worry is with counselling is that the more it's talked about the more she freaks out. She actually came up to me asking me about it last night and I told her what I told her before and she literally ran away crying. When she's in that state there's no getting through to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DifficultSituation19 · 01/06/2019 20:27

She is a bit short of friends to walk with, she's only really made one friend in her whole time at school, and her parents work FT so she goes to breakfast/after school club and will carry on doing so until secondary.

OP posts:
Original poster
DifficultSituation19 · 01/06/2019 20:29

To put DD's 'normal' behaviour in context - she saw a spider in her room last year and refused to sleep in her bed for 6 months after that.

OP posts:
Joeydoesntsharefood2 · 01/06/2019 20:31

Op I think counselling would be entirely different to her talking about it with you. They are professionals so I don’t think you need to worry that she’ll react the same way. (It does sound like she could really use some counselling- someone specialising in children with ASD would be the ideal)

Original poster
DifficultSituation19 · 01/06/2019 20:36

I think I will call the school on Monday and see what they suggest, I think they definitely need to be aware that she has these worries at the moment at the very least.

OP posts:
DewDropsonKittens · 01/06/2019 20:40

Do you have an early help local offer in your area?

They are a multi agency group that offer signposting to services, there could be a panel that are in place and supporting to asd diagnose her?

PenguinsRabbits · 01/06/2019 20:42

Schools do have access to a fair amount of support, DDs best friend had counselling via school, we have had play therapy Ed Psych etc and courses for ASD DS and I know ours offers Family Support Workers so hopefully they can help though demand is high and funding low.

Louloubelle78 · 01/06/2019 20:44

God that sounds so really hard. Do you have a restraining order on him coming near you or your daughter that could be a start. Could you see someone that could help you manage her fears? My son has ASD and I have had to go through some training which was basically CBT type activities. There was a great book called Overcoming your child's anxieties that I used as part of the training, which was with CAMHS. However, this seems like something that a child would be anxious about but you have quite rightly tried to prepare her in an appropriate way. Do you think you need some counselling and support too? It must have been really traumatic.

PenguinsRabbits · 01/06/2019 20:47

Our school refer onto Early Help as well. Think system varies by area though, in our old area Ed Psych was direct, new area school has to get via Early Help.

HollowTalk · 01/06/2019 20:48

Do you still live in the same area? Have you kept your names? Do you know where he is now?

HollowTalk · 01/06/2019 20:49

You seem to think the danger is greater now than it was, yet for seven years or so he's not been near you. Is there a reason why you think this? It sounds absolutely terrifying.

PenguinsRabbits · 01/06/2019 20:49

Women's Aid can help you get an order keeping him away from your daughter if you need that. If he does pose a danger would say you should pursue that.

MustardScreams · 01/06/2019 20:53

How does he know what she looks like? Are you being completely safe re social media etc? If he’s not seen her at all since she was a toddler I’m struggling to see how he could recognise her. Is she still in touch with his parents?

category12 · 01/06/2019 20:53

How realistic is it actually that he would be able to identify her if he hasn't seen her since she was a toddler or know what school she's at?

MrsCBY · 01/06/2019 21:03

I’m so sorry to hear of your predicament, but I wonder if the easiest thing is just to cut back on trying to give her her independence now?

Yes, most kids in your area can walk to/from school etc alone in Y5 but your DD isn’t most kids; she has a psychopathic father and has the additional challenge of likely not being NT. Surely in this situation you just say that no, it’s not safe for her to be out and about on her own yet?

She’s terrified, and with reason if there is a real chance, which you say there is, that he will try to abduct her; there’s no way of making that OK, is there? Do you really think any 9 yo would be able to deal with that?

I get that that will set her apart from her peers somewhat but surely she could start by going out with a friend or friends instead of completely on her own, if she wants to; or just wait till next year or whenever she feels ready if not.

It feels like you’re trying to make it as though her life were completely normal, and I understand the motivation, but it’s not. Most kids don’t have a psychopathic father lurking in the background intending to do them harm. You say you don’t think she would be able to handle it if he did try, so surely you’re really worried about it too?

Go easy on yourself and her. Independence isn’t the most important thing here. Keeping her safe (physically and emotionally) is. There is so much pressure on children to grow up quickly but you and she don’t have to pass some invisible independence exam here.

I think if you tell her she doesn’t have to start going anywhere on her own till she’s ready, till she’s savvy enough to deal with him if he ever does show up, the anxiety will ease off and you can carry on with life as you have done up till now.

And you might feel better too.

Flowers for you. What a horrendous situation to be in, and you sound like an amazing, loving, caring and determined mum who’s really trying to do her best in extremely difficult circumstances.

Original poster
DifficultSituation19 · 01/06/2019 21:04

I have a non-mol order against him for life. And obviously the no contact order prevents him from coming near dd, but that ends when she’s 16 (another huge worry).

It could be argued he hasn’t done anything for 7 years (although ‘someone’ came in my house in the middle of the night in 2015 and it has him written all over it). And there have been various weird things going on with my online accounts (again another trade mark of his).

However obviously up until now dd hasn’t been of the age where she’s likely to be out and about without me, so the risk is greater to her if I’m not there. I want her to have a normal childhood but she needs to know that it is absolutely not ok to talk to him or go with him if he approaches her.

OP posts:
LizzieBananas · 01/06/2019 21:06

Make sure school (primary now and secondary later) know the background. They may have support and will be able to advise.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 01/06/2019 21:06

You can self refer to Early Help. They might be able to access specialist support.

In my area, you can self refer to a local Domestic Abuse agency, who have counselling and play therapy for the children affected by abuse as well as support for the adults.

I would also have a chat to school as they might be able to access support.

I hope you can find the right support for her. Play Therapy might be a way in, if you are worried that talk therapy might overwhelm her.

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