To get social services involved - with myself?

[DifficultSituation19]

I am in a really tricky situation with my 9 year old dd.

Very long story short, her father has not seen her since she was a toddler, when he kidnapped her and refused to return her. There is a massive backstory of really extreme emotional abuse towards me too. He has antisocial personality disorder (a psychopath in lay-man's terms). The police eventually got her back and that was the last time he saw her. I immediately went to court, which ended up being such a complex case it took 2.5 years to resolve. The end result was that a zero contact order was given, put in place until she was 16. No letterbox contact, nothing. The reason for this being that he would be almost certain to cause her emotional harm.

So obviously dd remembers nothing about him. During the court case, I spoke to the CAFCASS SW about how to handle telling DD about her father as she got older, and she advised to mention him every so often and just add more to the story in an age appropriate way as she gets older. I have been trying to do this.

On to DD, she's currently being assessed for ASD. She is completely neurotic about a lot of stuff, that there is really nothing scary about. But my situation is this; she's getting to the age where it's the norm for kids to go to the park or local local shop on their own, or walk to and from school (we live in a small, safe community). So a couple of months ago I had to tell her more about her father. The fact is that he is completely unhinged (and dangerous) and there is a very real risk that he will attempt to abduct her. Obviously I haven't worded it like that to her, but there's not too many ways you can sugar-coat it really.

So now DD is terrified to leave my sight. To the point where she won't stay in the car when I pay for fuel, or be on a different floor of the house to me. She has regressed behaviourally in many ways too. I keep trying to reassure her that I will keep her safe, but in her head she now believes that this scary man is going to get her. It's so hard, there's a thin line between making her aware of the dangers and scaring the bejeezus out of her, and I'm not sure I've got it right. I know it's a lot for any kid to get their head around, even if they're NT, and she's not.

I really feel like I need some expert help here so it doesn't mess her up. I don't have much money but does anyone know who would be best to get in touch with? The SW from CAFCASS was brilliant which is why I thought social services, but would I be better off going to the GP and asking for health there? I know CAMHS are next to useless but not sure what else is available (and I doubt she'd be seen by CAMHS anyway as she's not trying to kill herself).

Any advice appreciated. I hate him even more than I already hated him for being in this situation, but I knew the day would come.

And we have do have the same names, and although I’m not living where we were when we were together I’m certain he knows where we are. We were offered new identities and to be whisked away to somewhere completely new in the middle of the night when it all first kicked off, but having been through so much I couldn’t face losing my friends, family and everything I loved.

In my local authority we have a service called 'Early Help'. Check to see if you have something similar. You should go to the gp who can sign post you. Camhs is tricky - appointments can be very hard to come by but your GP will be able to guide you.

Thanks for all the posts re Early Help. I’ve googled and it looks like I can self refer in my county so I’ll definitely be calling them on Monday.

Hi - I am wondering if her early trauma is still affecting her? Just thought it was worth flagging as some symptoms of trauma can overlap with ASD. If you have mentioned her dad it might be triggering her traumatic memory which might not have been processed. There is trauma processing therapy which uses EMDR and can be used on young children. Good luck,

@MrsCBY thanks, your message made me cry (not in a bad way). You’re absolutely right, there isn’t any rush for her to be independent.

GP for referral to CAMHS psych for something like Fluoxetine? Has helped my dd with ASD enormously, she’s like a different child, so less anxious.

@nickknowles I did wonder that myself - I’ll never know what happened during that time she was kidnapped and she was only 19 months old. However, her older sister (different dad) has a diagnosis of ASD and if I’m not on the spectrum I’ll eat my hat, so I think that’s the most logical place to start. Although will obviously mention the trauma during assessment.

How does he know what she looks like? Are you being completely safe re social media etc? If he’s not seen her at all since she was a toddler I’m struggling to see how he could recognise her.

@mustardscreams I really wish people like you would realise how inappropriate and damaging comments like this are. You might think this is an OK thing to chime in with from behind a computer with no experience of a situation like this but people like OP are living with this as a daily reality. He kidknapped her child, for crying out loud and you're minimising this?

Just close the laptop and stop.

Tbh, as an adult, if someone told me that I'd freak out too, it's no wonder shes scared. I don't have any advice but I do hope you get the help you need

The sw can certainly advise and possibly a referral from them could help get through the gatekeepers at camhs. The other thing I was thinking though was how would he recognise her, it's so many years that unless he's being keeping an eye on you her whole life, he won't recognise her unless she's with you. Very tricky though and I feel for you both.

@mondaysaturday I haven’t minimised in the slightest, I asked how he could recognise her. Considering the situation op is in in regards to the safety of her daughter I think that’s a very reasonable question to ask. When it is your child involved in a potentially serious situation you need to consider all possibilities - how does he know what she looks like? Is her being in touch with his parents going to lead him to information regarding her whereabouts? Does op’s social media give away any details? Perhaps I should have phrased it with more information.

I suspect he has been keeping an eye on her through continual hacking of my online accounts. But even if he hasn’t, she is VERY distinctive looking and the only child in her school with her colouring. If you saw a picture of her as a toddler and then lined her whole school up you’d be able to pick her out, no problems.

My social media is obviously on lockdown but like I said, hacking is one of his favourite things and he’s very good at it.

I occasionally have kids really freak out when I talk about what to do in the event of unlikely but scary things like this. I tend to compare it to a fire drill. There has never been an actual fire in the building, as far as I know. They know there's never been a fire and there probably won't be one in their time at the school, if ever. But, it's important that they know what to do if it happens just in case. It seems to reassure them somewhat.

Could you try something similar? Make a plan and compare it to a fire drill? Would self defence classes make her feel less helpless?

I'm just throwing ideas around.

Early help is a good idea and also your GP. There is no harm in asking in various places. She experienced a traumatic event and will need support to get through that - some form of therapy might be appropriate (there are specific centres near us that specialise, but I guess depends what is in your area - google might bring up some results?)

Hiya, sounds like early attachment and trauma to me, I don't know if your social services are clued in about attachment but there is information out there. Check out Roehampton University, even drop them an email and they might be able to point you in the right direction, Dr. Ben Grey is your guy. Best of luck! X

Are your social media accounts nailed down with only limited friends and family on them? You should use a fake name on them.

Do you have CCTV inside and outside your house? You should do this asap.

Change every password on every single account you have.

Arrange with the school that only you/named people can pick up your daughter and that you need to know asap if anyone else approaches her.

It's a real shame these guys can't be tagged for life.