Friend let me down

[astrasky]

My friend invited me around to hers for dinner tonight as I was at a work conference close to her town. She told me she would make us dinner and watch films etc. We don't have children and she doesn't have a partner, we are early 20s. I was exhausted getting there with 2 trains cancelled and a 30 minute walk from the station. But we do this quite often so I thought it would be nice to chill out with her catch up etc. Around 6 I text her saying I was on my way, she said great teas ready at 7. When I get to the house she says "hope you don't mind my two friends are coming as well", nope not at all. She's acting really off and it turns out she's drunk. Not a prbblem to me, she's a grown up and she's finished work for the weekend. Dinner was fine. Afterwards she brings 3 bottles of wine in and beer, everyone starts drinking. I have a beer but don't really drink. Then she is showing her two friends how far she has "progressed" on the guitar by plugging into an amp. She laughs that she had recieved a noise compliant yesterday from her neighbours (who have a newborn).she then decides we are all going the pub. I begrudgingly go, but I am still in my work clothes from 7am and I haven't showered etc. I say after 1 hour at 12 midnight that In really tired and need to go to sleep. She asks if I'm okay walking home in my own (in an area I am both unfamiliar with, and about a 45 minute walk). Eventually she says we will all go back. They're screaming and laughing and playing music so the walls are vibrating. I ask her to stop, and she says "fuck you" in front of her friends who all laugh. I go upstairs to try and sleep, but at 4am I just gave up and walked out the house to wait for the first train back to my town. I'm sitting at the train stop now with a 45 minute wait... And a three hour train home She just text me like let me know when you get home.

Aibu to be so annoyed that she didn't tell me what night it would be and that it would deviate so much from what we usually do. She knows I have been struggling with depression at the minute and self harm quite badly, and aibu to have walked out? It was like trying to sleep at a teenage house party..

I would never do this to my friends

Sorry but your timings don’t make sense.
You said you were at the train station at 4:32am when you wrote the message, and you had a 45minutes wait for the train, and then a 3 hour train journey.

Then you said you had to wait at the station for 4 hours as the train was cancelled, and only ‘just got in’ at 8:15am.

Ah?? What did you do, blink and teleported from the station to your home? Because you have condensed a 3 hour train journey into actual minutes. Network Rail would love you!

She's really not a friend, OP. She demonstrated that loud and clear last night. Time to move on and find people who value you.

Obviously things sometime happen like other friends coming over etc and people drinking. It would'nt be that I would be bothered about its the fuck you comment.
I'd do it tbh I'd fuck off for good from anyone who spoke to me like this. Drinking isn't an excuse she has no respect for you. I would'nt bother contacting her I'd just block her and ghost her, shes no friend.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks

That's what I was thinking
Assuming you just made a mistake OP with the timings. She sounds like she doesn't really give a shit but then people change when they drink.

YANBU. She sounds like a selfish, thoughtless, rude knob, tbh.

Unless there are some definite upsides to this friendship I’d let it wither. From what you’ve written here she doesn’t seem worth the bother.

YANBU and waiting so long at the station must have been horrible. Hope you manage to catch up on your sleep tonight.

I think you just had different expectations of the night. You heard 'films and dinner'. She meant 'friends over for dinner and then see how the night goes'.
If I was at a friend's house and three of the four of us wanted to go out, drink, stay up late, etc, then I wouldn't expect them to curb their behaviour for me. If I was too tired to participate then I'd go home. I wouldn't take it personally and I wouldn't hold her responsible for your decision to walk home from the pub or your decision to go to the train station in the early hours of the morning.

She really isn’t a friend worth having.

You deserve better and deep down you know it. She sounds like an utter cow. I’d rather be alone than have such a disfunctional relationship with anyone.

Said friend hasn't contacted me once in the past week.

I am really devestated. Alot of my friends have fallen by the wayside in the last few years, and I can't help but feel I am to blame.

It's sad because she knows I'm having a pretty rough time. She didn't even check I got back safe or anything.

I find the silence really upsetting. I don't want to reach out and be ignored, and equally I don't want to reach out to start an argument.

I'm wondering whether to just back down and say sorry. I've spent today on my own when I would usually be with her.

I'm a massive loser with no friends. I feel there's nothing good to look forward to

You don't need to apologise. She has shown you her true colours now and clearly isn't fretting about you, so don't waste energy fretting about her. You are not a loser. You just need to find friends who are more suited to you. Do you have any hobbies, interests - as I suggested maybe look into groups in your area such as yoga, running, art or something else that you think you might enjoy.

No don't contact her. She behaved abominable.

You now have a new vacancy for a decent friend. Instead of spending time with her and chasing her and apologising to her spend time doing a hobby that you love and you will eventually make new friends who have stuff in common with you now.

It's very common to grow out of your friends in your twenties. It happens to a lot of us.

But what would you be apologising for op? Her unreasonable behaviour? Surely that would just give her the green light to treat you the same next time

Sorry you’re struggling today.

I don’t think you need to apologise. It sounds like you had different expectations of the evening. It’s difficult when you’re tired after a long day at work to get into party mode, especially if you’re struggling and expecting a quite night in. Equally it’s difficult when you’re drunk and ready for a late night of partying to reign that in and see that not everybody wants to join in.

Your friend was inconsiderate but it doesn’t sound like her behaviour was intentionally malicious or unkind. As an incident on its own I wouldn’t see it as something to end an otherwise good and supportive friendship over and only you know if it’s been that kind of friendship up to now or if this isn’t the first time she’s been inconsiderate.

If this was a friendship I valued I would just send a normal message to say hi or catch up. I wouldn’t apologise because I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I wouldn’t expect an apology because I don’t necessarily think she’s done anything wrong either. Obviously in future you both need to be more clear about your expectations if you agree to spend time together in advance but I don’t think it’s worth ending a friendship over a miscommunication.

In the meantime if you’re feeling lonely after spending the day on your own can you reach out to your DP to spend some time with you tonight or tomorrow so that you have some company?

She behaved really badly, you have nothing to apologise for.
Op when I felt in a pit of depression like you someone got me to do a gratitude diary. Write a list of 10 things I felt genuinely grateful for every day.
It began to make a difference to my depression, I started to see myself and the world on a different much more positive light. Once that door has opened you feel more like going out and about and then a cascade of more positive stuff happened, making me feel more positive in myself.
Give it a go, youve got nothing to lose. Even if you do it just so you can pm me in a few weeks to tell me that my idea sucks.

YANBU. She was. Hope you get some sleep today.

Find a more considerate friend. Her - you don't need as a friend.

Really sorry that you lost some 'friends' this year. Good friends are hard to find.

Why not join a club doing something you enjoy? You will find new friends. It just can take a bit of time. But don't waste time on people like this. Good Luck.

Did you get the times wrong in your previous posts? I'm confused!

Sorry your friend is a shit.

You have done nothing wrong and your so called friend sounds like a real bitch!

You said you've lost some friends,was that your choice or they'res?

It sounds like you have alot going on at the moment but have you thought about taking up a hobbie if you'd be upto it?It can be a great way to meet new people and make new friends.

Please don't blame yourself for the way your friend behaved,that was all on her.

defo deserve better hun, hugs and hoping you feel better maybe have a tipple

maybe not the best suggestion for someone with depression who has said in her op she doesn't really drink!!

Alcohol will not help

@CrazyKittenSmile

I guess the expectations of the night were different - but, whenever me and my friend meet up it is for casual food and films. We do not drink together and never have. The expectation is ALWAYS the same either at hers or mine. We've done the uni drinking thing and we don't do it anymore.

I didn't expect her to stop her night (well I did, but then i know that's U) so I asked her to tone it down - she refused. I have anxiety and panic attacks and anyone who has had that would know that loud music at night and people running up and down the stairs isn't the best for it.

I am willing to admit I am not a fun friend, and maybe a bit "high maintenance"

But, I do think that she has done something wrong. She knew I would feel uncomfortable in that situation (with drink) - my situation at the minute is not good, I asked her twice (once in the morning and once before I got the train) whether she wanted me to come, if she had other plans etc., and she said she was looking forward to a night in. I asked her to turn music down and she refused, I asked her again and she said "fuck you".

I guess it is my fault for getting the train in the middle of the night - but, in all honesty, my friend was hostile and made it clear she no longer wanted me there.

I think if I messaged her saying something not related to it, she would start blaming me anyway.

RE timings as well, I've just read back and I can only think tiredness was the cause of the mad timings.

Thanks for replies. I was waiting at the station for 4 hours due to the first train being cancelled sad I got back to my house at 815am...

The first train was cancelled - but I was meant to say "waiting at the station FOR hours due to the first train being cancelled"

I didn't wait for FOUR hours at all!

From your last post it does sound like your friend was being very inconsiderate of your feelings and putting herself/ her other friends ahead of you, especially if you’d text her a few times earlier in the day and made it clear you just wanted a quiet night in. In that case I can better understand why you feel so let down.

I suppose I would decide whether this relationship was worth continuing based on more than just this one incident. Is she generally kind and supportive? Does she have form for inconsiderate behaviour or was it a one off? Has she any experience of anxiety/ depression etc? I think if people haven’t been there they can find it hard to properly empathise with. When my depression/ anxiety/ self harm are at their worst I still have some of my close friends trying to ‘cheer me up’ by dragging me out of the house on a night out. One of my best friends said I was choosing to wallow and just needed to try harder to feel okay. I’ve come to accept that some people just don’t really get mental illness and that some of my friends are never going to be able to properly understand. In some cases I’ve stopped socialising with those friends but in others I have just reduced my expectations of them. When things are rough I don’t rely on them but when I’m feeling better I still value being able to have a good time with them.

I guess in your position I would question whether you have a good time with her? Does your anxiety reduce at least a little when you’re with her? Generally after spending time with her do you feel positive and refreshed? If the answer is yes then maybe there’s still a friendship worth having, but if she leaves you feeling anxious or insecure or not listened to etc then you’re probably better off without her. Your gut will tell you if this was a one off incident in a usually great friendship in which she let you down or if this is just another example of her being selfish within the relationship.

Either way I wouldn’t contact her while this is still fresh if her reaction is likely to be to blame you and yours is likely to be to apologise. It won’t help the relationship in the long run if there’s an imbalance of power where she expects to always be in the right or you to go running to her. Honestly in your position I think I would just not contact her for a while and wait and see if she gets in contact. If she doesn’t I guess that tells you what you need to know about how much she values the friendship.