The context:
Together almost a year, both mid-20s. I'm from European Country A, we live (separately) in European Country B, he was born and raised in a fairly conservative Muslim-majority non-European country.
Despite not being together for ages, we've discussed our future in the context of getting married and having a family. I understand some will think this is premature, but in the context of our personal ambitions and views on dating, this makes sense.
The problem:
He doesn’t like to feel like he is being told what to do. Not unreasonable, obviously. I have taken this on board, appreciating especially that it might be a cultural issue (in his culture women are supposed to be somewhat deferential. He is not otherwise a misogynist) and adjusted my tone to try and make it very clear that I am asking for things rather than demanding them.
But he’s so hypersensitive about it that it’s gotten to the point where it sometimes doesn’t feel like I’m able to question his actions or ask for things I should be getting anyway. The best example happened yesterday.
We had agreed he would come to my place yesterday evening after breaking fast (he is Muslim, I am not - I am Christian and quite religious so generally we understand each other well, but this has been a bit of a problem during Ramadan, as he only has the energy to meet after breaking fast, so we see each other a couple of times a week, only for a couple of hours in the evening).
About an hour after the fast ends, I texted asking if he was coming. He replied “no, we’ll see each other on Saturday”. I asked why, he said there was no reason. This doesn’t make sense to me, people don’t make decisions without reasons. I pressed for an answer (was he too tired?) but he told me he loved me, everything was fine and there was no reason.
I was annoyed that he had just not shown up, and hadn’t even bothered to cancel the plans, I had had to ask. I expressed this. This culminated in him saying as usual “why do you always insist on things?”. I said I was only insisting on being treated with respect, didn’t I deserve that? He replied no(!!!). I tried to call him several times (admit this was pushy), he wouldn’t take my calls, said he was going to bed.
Early hours of the morning he texted saying he had been very rude and apologising, saying he loved me. I saw the messages in the morning and said thank you, but the apology would mean more if it wasn’t over text. No reply.
In the late afternoon I messaged saying that he had hurt me, I wanted to talk about what had happened, either in person or over the phone. Could he spare half an hour?
No. He will see me tomorrow evening. I said I was hurting and he had the opportunity to help with that now, I didn’t want to wait another day. Even a five minute phone call would do to reassure me a bit. He said “the problem is that I don’t like to talk about problems”. I said the problem wasn’t going to resolve if we didn’t discuss it, I was just going to get more hurt.
No. Stop insisting. He will see me tomorrow and we can talk then.
Am I being unreasonably demanding? Am I doing a bad job getting through to him? Am I too impatient? I freely admit that I am quite ‘tunnel vision’ and have problems forgetting an issue until there’s some closure or understanding.
We have discussed the problems with communication before, and how crucial it is for a relationship. He always agrees to compromise. The problem then reoccurs. If there’s an issue or I seem like I’m asking for something (making demands?) he will often just stop replying to me for a while or refuse to pick up the phone.
It also sometimes feels like he refuses to do things just because I asked, even if it’s “I’m sad we haven’t seen each other very much, can we chat for a few minutes? It’ll make me feel better.” I don’t feel like that’s asking much, but maybe I’m wrong?
Sorry this is so long! Nervous about the replies I’ll receive from AIBU, but I need some outside perspective.