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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner falls asleep on the sofa at 8 every night

56 replies

bloodymiserable91 · 31/05/2019 20:57

I'm just miserable - we're both 27, no children. I feel like we just never have interesting conversations anymore. We don't have sex (maybe once or twice a month). And every single night he's asleep by half 7/8, snoring next to me on the sofa. No health conditions and got up at a normal hour for work so I don't know why he's like this. I think if this is us now god only knows what we would be like with children. I'm just terrified to leave, and reading some threads on here it feels like so many men are abusive and horrible and I think, is falling asleep on the sofa THAT bad? I just don't know what to do, honestly.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2019 21:45

Stop wasting your time. Weed is more important to him than you are.

teachermam · 31/05/2019 21:46

Weed nearly killed my marriage

I was miserable and lonely

S1naidSucks · 31/05/2019 21:47

I'm just terrified to leave, and reading some threads on here it feels like so many men are abusive and horrible and I think, is falling asleep on the sofa THAT bad? I just don't know what to do, honestly.

My father was abusive and so were my brothers, so when my first serious relationship was with a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive man, I thought that was normal, until I wised up.

I had 25yrs with the most wonderful husband, whose father and three brothers were decent and respectful to the females in their lives. I speak with lovely, genuinely happy couples on a regular basis. There are good men out there, but naturally we talk about the bad ones on here, because this is where women get support.

You deserve a better life than this. You’re not living, you’re just existing.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 31/05/2019 21:47

I used to smoke a lot of weed because without it I was in pain, couldn't eat etc. I was ill and ignored by my uni doctors because I was young. Only when I went home after uni and transferred back to the doctors I'd had since a child that they listened to me I was diagnosed and therefore knocked the smoking on the head. Worth some blood tests but equally he needs to want to change. You leaving might kick him up the arse, it might not but you'll know where you stand!

CassianAndor · 31/05/2019 21:52

Peonies that’s not necessarily true, DH smoked skunk most nights for quite a few years and gave up. He gave up a few months after we bought our home. He wasn’t doing what the OP’s DP is doing and crashing out but he was becoming quite dull! When we were going out and not living together he’d be smoking it but then heading out to a bar or whatever. But he was a few years older.

Clubbercised · 31/05/2019 21:54

I sympathise with him. He could be in chronic pain and is self medicating. Even if there are no underlying health problems, it's terribly sad that he is in such a state that he needs to smoke weed every day, even when he had been told his relationship would end if he continued.

But, I wouldn't stay in a relationship with him. No chance. Feel sorry for him, yes. Stay with him and get dragged down with him. No.

CassianAndor · 31/05/2019 21:57

But surely the OP would know if it was that?

wonderinwhy · 31/05/2019 21:59

You’re too young to sit around wasting your life like this. You know it’s not right and you know it’s not what you want. Get out before you’ve wasted anymore life

Original poster
bloodymiserable91 · 31/05/2019 22:00

It's not anything other than the weed, sorry I didn't make that clear at first - on holiday when he doesn't have any he's a different person. But unfortunately can't live abroad forever and the reality for 340 days of the year is this. I said to him how would you feel if I got pissed every single night and fell asleep on the sofa clutching an empty glass of wine with a plate of crackers balanced on my knee lol

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/05/2019 22:00

What are you scared of?

LizzieSiddal · 31/05/2019 22:01

If he’s like this at 27, what the heck will he be like in 10, 20, 30, 40 years time? And im talking about the fact you’ve asked him to stop smoking weed, and he’s ignoring your wishes. Leave him and go and make a happy life for yourself.

LizzieSiddal · 31/05/2019 22:02

And to be brutally honest, he loves weed more than he lives you. Get rid.

Figure8 · 31/05/2019 22:04

Yeech
What a life.

CheesecakeAddict · 31/05/2019 22:04

As someone who didn't listen to the alarm bells going off and had DC with a knobber, pack your bags and leave. Find a man you enjoy spending time with and have a good life with him. Just go.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 31/05/2019 22:09

Your problem is not that you have a sleepy partner or a lacklustre sex life. Your problem is that you are living with someone who persistently abuses drugs and, even though you have asked them to stop, they won’t.
Your other problem is that you are in denial about this ”I don’t know why he’s like this” and *”is falling asleep on the sofa that bad?”.
You absolutely do know why he’s like this and, if he continues to choose drugs over you then it IS that bad.

AmeriAnn · 31/05/2019 22:13

You do know that he'll never give it up? He can't, he's addicted. It means more to him than you will ever do

We're talking about pot here, not crack.

yumyumpoppycat · 31/05/2019 22:14

you are young and no kids, have given him a chance to drop the weed which he hasn't taken up, I genuinely think this is a moment you will think back to with regret if things are still the same in 10 years ...

BackwardsGoing · 31/05/2019 22:16

Oh good God what a waste of a life.
Get out while you can! What is stopping you? Honestly, what are you scared of?

BackwardsGoing · 31/05/2019 22:17

We're talking about pot here, not crack.

So what? He's addicted, he's prioritising weed over his partner, he's falling asleep at 8pm every night and he's not interested in sex.

This is not someone who you can build a life with, or have children with.

EvaHarknessRose · 31/05/2019 22:30

Omg imagine the rage you will feel sitting next to him 40 years from now. Ending it now is by far the easiest option. My friend married her long term partner when things were like this between them after 12 years together, they were divorced just over a year later. Life is too short OP you are better than this.

babysharkah · 31/05/2019 22:33

Well the weed was a massive drip feed. If you're not into it run for the hills, fast.

janetforpresident · 31/05/2019 22:35

Omg imagine the rage you will feel sitting next to him 40 years from now
^ this

Get out before kids. Your sex life and evenings in general with any partner will suffer if you have kids. Imagine dreaming of sex once or twice a month because it's so much more than you have now. Imagine him fatter, greyer and less attractive. Imagine feeling you have to stay for the sake of your kids.

oneforthepain · 31/05/2019 22:35

Don't you find the thought of spending the rest of your life like this more terrifying than leaving? Do you really want to be 87 looking back on such a miserable existence?

If you are afraid you won't be able to spot the early warning signs a man is abusive then get yourself on the Freedom Programme, let them teach you so you can feel confident. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You deserve a better life than this. You are so very young with a bright future ahead of you if you can find the courage to break away from him.

janetforpresident · 31/05/2019 22:37

Sorry just to be clear all people will be greyer and many will be fatter and less attractive as they get older but these things are more of an issue if you are spending your evenings watching them lie on a sofa snoring and farting!

Isatis · 31/05/2019 22:40

he goes outside to smoke it, on my insistence.

Why do you insist that he goes outside, but not that he stops? If you've given him an ultimatum but not followed through on it, effectively you've given him the green light.

Why are you so scared to leave? Don't you think you'll manage on your own? Effectively that's what you're doing anyway given that he's unconscious every evening. You'll enjoy life so much more if you get rid of this useless waste of space and start doing things that interest you, and meeting people who stay awake.

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