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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to contact my dm again after 10+yrs NC?

40 replies

PeachTartLemon · 31/05/2019 19:54

Dunno if I'm bonkers or not?... I'm considering contacting my 'ex' dm after a long time of cutting her off. My reason for doing this would be to write & plainly state what my personal experience was (years ago). I believe she thinks she was a fine mother. I wouldn't write saying 'You were crap, you did this or that'. I'd say, 'My experience was ...' I'm not really expecting anything in return, although there is a tiny 1% of me that hopes she might still want me in her life enough to start some serious therapy. In the main though, it would be enough for me to have just stood up for myself & stated my case - which I was never strong enough to do before. I've had loads of therapy myself now & I feel more able to 'own' my own experience now, which I certainly couldn't do before - hence cutting her off. She was/is a narc, brought about by her own experiences with her own dm who didn't bond with her.

What do you think? Do you think I'm air-brushed out of her memory now?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 31/05/2019 20:01

Don't do it. She wont see that what she did was in any way wrong. It would be a pointless exercise and only leave you feeling rubbish when she doesn't accept her part in why you went NC. Write the letter and burn it. There was a good reason you went NC so by making contact you are inviting the same crap and stress back into your life.

Sparklesocks · 31/05/2019 20:01

I think you should do what you feel is best for you, however if you do try to reconnect you need to prepare for the fact she may not be very receptive to you - or if she is, that she may not live up to what you hope

CastleCrasher · 31/05/2019 20:02

If she's narc, unfortunately she's highly unlikely to change. Much more likely she'll turn it into a drama to "prove" how you've mistreated her and she's done nothing wrong, and you're telling lies etc. Do you thinking it's worth that risk, do you think you could deal with that? If so, then absolutely go for it, but be prepared that it's more likely then not that it won't turn out with a change and reconciliation. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2019 20:05

I think you would be wasting your time hoping for any kind of positive reconciliation, because of your mother is truly a narcissist, this just isn't possible. You've made great progress in regards to your personal recovery and growth, and I fear contacting her could be a massive step back for you.

Nearlythere1 · 31/05/2019 20:06

If your condition is her attending therapy then you're being highly unreasonable.

Landlubber2019 · 31/05/2019 20:15

What do you want from this relationship going forward? Is it achievable? You could try but tbh I wouldn't expect too much to come off it.

Original poster
PeachTartLemon · 31/05/2019 20:16

Nearly So you're saying it's unreasonable for me to suggest (at some further future point) her to look at herself the way I have in therapy? To learn the origins of her trauma as I have?

OP posts:
Crabbitstick · 31/05/2019 20:17

I was in a similar situation and wrote ‘the letter’ to my ‘D’M. I got a very curt single line email back basically blaming me for things (I was 12 when we went NC!).
So it wasn’t the outcome I wanted but I suppose I’m glad in a way I did it - it removed the question in my life. She was very damaged and damaging - time hadn’t put her in a position where she was willing to accept any responsibility.
Every circumstance is different, just be ready for all possible outcomes.

Original poster
PeachTartLemon · 31/05/2019 20:18

It's so sad. If she could learn what I've learnt, her whole life would change for the better... Really understanding where you come from makes a huge difference.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2019 20:29

So you're saying it's unreasonable for me to suggest (at some further future point) her to look at herself the way I have in therapy?

Narcissists will never, ever look at themselves or reflect upon their own behaviour. They simply aren't capable of it. They are always blameless, everything is ALWAYS someone else's fault. A narcissist would never even consider therapy because they will not allow themselves to be put in a position where they are forced to acknowledge any damage they have done.

The only response you will get from her is either silence or abuse.

Landlubber2019 · 31/05/2019 20:30

I think reflection needs to come from within. To expect someone else to understand their history from your perspective is patronising and insulting. They are entitled to believe their upbringing was good, whilst you entitled to believe otherwise, but you were not present and ultimately the way they parented has caused division. you need to move on positively if you choose to get in touch, but what you seem to be asking is unreasonable imo.

MrsPerfect12 · 31/05/2019 20:34

Is she is a true narc she'll never agree to therapy as nothing wrong with her and it's all you! It's not fixable it's a personality. I would exercise caution or you'll put yourself back with your therapy.
If you're expecting a different relationship you'll be disappointed. Good luck.

Original poster
PeachTartLemon · 31/05/2019 21:20

Landlubber If my child came to me and asked me to consider my history from their perspective I would. I'm already doing this in therapy. I don't find it patronising or insulting. I want to fully understand their experience - it enriches our relationship. I think my kids would say it's the best thing I'm doing, learning how it was for them. It's certainly brought us closer. That's why it made me consider the same with my own dm.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachTartLemon · 31/05/2019 21:22

My dm only made it up with her own mum just before she died.

OP posts:
Kko1986 · 31/05/2019 21:31

Only you know what is best for you. For example would you be ok with her passing and you never got to say how you felt?
If you and only you can decide this can't live with not having said what you want you should write it in my opinion.

You could also write it and post it if and when you are ready.

You need to look after yourself and do what's best for you.

Landlubber2019 · 31/05/2019 21:54

I want to fully understand their experience - it enriches our relationship. chances are though your relationship with your children is warm and engaging. Your relationship with your mother is not and you are asking your mother to accept your perspective for a period of her life, when you may not have been present. Your ideals and views are likely to be rejected and you are onto a hiding for nothing.

StillMe1 · 31/05/2019 22:10

I don't know why everyone here assumes that in such situations it is all the fault of the "DM" in every case.
Contrary to popular belief I think there are 2 sides to every story. Person 1's side and Person 2's side and then there is the truth from an uninvolved person.
OP is likely to not have been perfect.
I would suggest that you do contact DM but both of you should be very wary.

GarthFunkel · 31/05/2019 22:11

Some questions don't need answers anymore.

If she could learn what I've learnt, her whole life would change for the better See there you sound like a born again Christian wanted to convince an atheist. If she'd reflected at all in the last 10 years you would have heard from her by.now.

S1naidSucks · 31/05/2019 22:21

Please don’t. My NC sister contacted me online after 30yrs saying how so much time had passed and she wanted to reach out, before it was too late. I, like you, was hopeful that I could reconnect with her, but after a couple of conversations and her saying, “oh no, that never happened. I’m sorry you feel that way. Oh I would never have said/done that”, it was obvious she choose to have a selective memory, where she was completely innocent and I was ‘misremembering’ our past, I realised that time had only made her more skilled in her manipulation.

It opened wounds that it took me 30yrs to recover from and that was with decades of therapy.

damekindness · 31/05/2019 22:26

I'm always wary of making a condition of 'getting serious therapy' because unless you have unlimited money to pay for it there's none to be had for those that don't

MalloryLaurel · 31/05/2019 22:27

Yabu.

Starlight456 · 31/05/2019 22:31

Tbh if your dd going nc doesn’t make her look at why nothing really will.

I am nc with my mum and have been for over 20 years. I think the point I was at peace with it was when I stopped wanting her to be something she wasn’t.

Fatted · 31/05/2019 22:32

If she cared OP she would have reached out to you a long time ago. Think about that.

I understand you have good intentions but you really do risk opening up a healed wound all over again. For the sake of what? You've made peace with your feelings. You can't force her to do the same.

oneforthepain · 31/05/2019 23:21

I feel more able to 'own' my own experience now

If that's true, why are you so desperate to seek her validation by involving her in your personal healing process?

I'd say it's more than a tiny 1% of you that's hoping she'll be receptive. But ten years of silence does not suggest this will end well. I can imagine, I think, why you'd have such a longing for her to see the light and change to be the mother you deserved, but there's no evidence to suggest that will happen.

There is value in writing the letter for your own benefit, but retaining control of your healing by not sending it and not giving her the opportunity to hurt you and derail all the work you've put in.

Wanting to write to her in this way, and the hopes you're expressing, reads a little like you're still trying to be perfect enough and good enough for her to love you and parent you and change... You'll destroy yourself if you live like that, though.

Her behaviour is about her own choices, not anything you can influence.

Original poster
PeachTartLemon · 01/06/2019 02:37

She reached out to me about 4 times since I went nc but I ignored them all.

OP posts: