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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to contact my dm again after 10+yrs NC?

40 replies

PeachTartLemon · 31/05/2019 19:54

Dunno if I'm bonkers or not?... I'm considering contacting my 'ex' dm after a long time of cutting her off. My reason for doing this would be to write & plainly state what my personal experience was (years ago). I believe she thinks she was a fine mother. I wouldn't write saying 'You were crap, you did this or that'. I'd say, 'My experience was ...' I'm not really expecting anything in return, although there is a tiny 1% of me that hopes she might still want me in her life enough to start some serious therapy. In the main though, it would be enough for me to have just stood up for myself & stated my case - which I was never strong enough to do before. I've had loads of therapy myself now & I feel more able to 'own' my own experience now, which I certainly couldn't do before - hence cutting her off. She was/is a narc, brought about by her own experiences with her own dm who didn't bond with her.

What do you think? Do you think I'm air-brushed out of her memory now?

OP posts:
justilou1 · 01/06/2019 03:22

In my experience she MIGHT be able to give you the illusion that she is contrite and has missed you being in her life, etc... but the level of resentment will be enormous, so not only will she slip back into old habits, she’ll find ways of punishing you for your transgressions as well. OR she will create a totally alternative reality where you’ve come crawling back, begging forgiveness and you neeeeeeeeed her desperately because you are so terribly dysfunctional. (And she will very carefully and successfully fuck with your head.)

CSIblonde · 01/06/2019 03:35

I wouldn't go there tbh. IME all you'll get is furious denial, tantrums, minimising, "you're over sensitive" and 'I don't remember'. I know it's hard to not take the chance to get it all out & say your truth, but be glad you were savvy enough to cut your losses when you did. I think the book 'How to Survive your Parents' also states that confronting parents with the facts very, very rarely goes the way you'd like.

Fifthtimelucky · 01/06/2019 06:59

I say go for it, especially as she has tried to make contact with you four times.

herculepoirot2 · 01/06/2019 07:12

It’s not a great sell, is it?

“Hello, I know we haven’t spoken for a decade but these are the reasons I think this is your fault (couched as your experience but still you putting your ‘side’ across) and I might deign to have a relationship with you if you agree to attend therapy to deal with your issues.”

I know you mean well, but that wouldn’t have me diving for the phone if I hadn’t already at some point in the last ten years.

herculepoirot2 · 01/06/2019 07:14

Sorry, and again, if I had been in touch four times and been ignored, this would just annoy me.

KatherineJaneway · 01/06/2019 08:15

I wouldn't unless you are willing to let the past be in the past and start afresh.

herculepoirot2 has nailed it as to how it will come across.

You don't want a relationship with your dm, you want a relation ship with the dm you want her to be, hence all the talk of her having therapy to change etc.

Birdie6 · 01/06/2019 08:21

It's so sad. If she could learn what I've learnt, her whole life would change for the better... Really understanding where you come from makes a huge difference

No no no. If your mother really is a narcissist , there is no way that her world would change for the better because of therapy. She will never go to therapy because they just don't think they have a problem. Trying to make her see your point of view would be a really bad experience for you, OP, because she won't ever think she did anything wrong. They don't think like you do , as I well know. All you can do is to step away, go NC if you can, and live your life. Trying to convert your narcissistic mother to therapy just isn't going to happen. .

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 01/06/2019 08:32

Are you considering contacting her for her or for you? If it’s for you, then go ahead. If you feel it will benefit her, it’s quite an assumption to make.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 01/06/2019 08:50

Don’t do it.
I’m sorry to say it but you are wasting your time.

Your mother probably wouldn’t be still have “made it up” and be on good terms with her own mother if your grandmother had lived rather than died.
She just went to see her to get some closure for herself.

Writing the letter and burning it is a good idea.

Linning · 01/06/2019 09:30

If you think it will bring you peace, I would, but with the knowledge that she is likely to yet again disappoint you by either not responding or minimizing your trauma and her behaviour/blaming it all on you.

I have a similar mum and I recently found out she was pregnant again (she is in her 40's) so I did take the time to write to her about my experience as her daughter, not because I expect (or want) her to do anything about the baby, but because a small tiny little part of me hope that she will read and somehow self-reflect and do better, she can't fix me but she can avoid unecessary trauma to yet another child.

My mum is definitely a bit of a narcissist though and it's pretty much guaranteed she has read it, deleted it and will use it to further preach what a terrible daughter I am.

I didn't write it because I needed her validation or cared for her opinion, I wrote it because my mum is someone who will twist and change stories and conveniently forget about hurtful stuff that happened and if it was to be the last conversation we had, it was to be one where she had to face up things she so conveniently forget in her narrative. I was sexual assaulted as a child and teenagers, my mum didn't believe me, and then self-diagnosed me as schyzophreniac (despite me having absolutely zero symptom of schyzophrenia) amongst other things and completely brushed off anything that happened to me and her appalling behaviour (including my brother calling me names related to my assault and her just standing there). I don't know if she is expecting a boy or a girl but I truly shudder if it is a girl and it brings me a lot of anxiety to know that this innocent kid might go through the same, yet I also feel a tiny bit of jealousy that she might actually do better.

Anyhow, I get you OP, I totally understand never wanting to give up hope that our parents will turn into the loving parents we want and so desperately need. My mum came to therapy ONCE, she hated it and swore never to go again because the therapist told her she could probably do a few things differently but "how dare she tell me what to do and how to raise my kids" so yeah, therapy isn't for everyone, narcissists probably won't benefit from it at all, as they can't handle their behaviour being questionned at all.

Write the letter, send it or burn it but then forget about it and see what happens. If nothing at least you have said you piece if miraculously she decides to reach out and change, proceed with caution and see where it goes.

I feel relief in having been able to tell her how her behaviour regarding my trauma affected me, even though it has most likely fallen into deaf ears. I was only surprised that I also felt guilt for being honest, which in turn made me angry because only toxic parents will make you feel guilty for being honest and in touch with your feelings.

Do what's best and most comforting for you, regardless of your mother, OP and hope you get the results you are hoping for. x

jollyohh · 01/06/2019 09:44

By all means write the letter then discuss it, along with your desire to send it with your therapist. Talk about it at length because this is an important part of the therapy process. It's ok to be 'stuck' in this phase because progress is on the other side.

If my child came to me and asked me to consider my history from their perspective I would.

It's great you have managed to foster a relationship with your own children and yourself where this is possible. It's huge progress in your family dynamics and (hopefully) you'll be the one to break the cycle. Hang on to this and value it.

The acceptance of others limitations is just as important as the above. Your mother may honestly feel she has done her best with the emotional tools and experiences that life has given her. There are many, many people that are not capable of introspection. To do so would destroy their entire sense of self with the very real possibility of not being able to rebuild it. It is not a process you can force on other people but you can accept they aren't capable of it.

Lemonade656 · 01/06/2019 09:53

Please don't do it. I'm nc with my DF, I wrote him a 4 page letter just like that, poured my heart out. But I never heard anything from him and that broke my heart, I felt so worthless, like I never meant anything to him. He will never understand/believe my feelings and that hurts.
If you want to reach out, go for coffee, wipe the slate clean and just start again. Write the letter and show your therapist if talking about that will help.

MysweetAudrina · 01/06/2019 09:53

She has her way of remembering the past, you have yours. Both are just perspectives and both suit your own way of how you like to see yourselves. Are you willing to see things from her perspective or do you believes yours is the correct one? If both of you believe your own is correct then there is no room to meet in the middle.

All relationships are about give and take and understanding and forgiveness is needed on both sides. If you are not prepared to offer these then I don't think you should offer to meet.

She is not going to remember things the way you do and you are not going to remember things the way she does. Who is wrong? Does it matter? Can you accept her for her limitations and build a relationship with the person she is not the one you wished her to be? If not leave her alone.

TheVanguardSix · 01/06/2019 09:56

Since she's reached out 4x then yes, I would.

But have NO expectations, OP.

Breathlessness · 01/06/2019 10:02

Have you talked about this with your therapist? What did they say?

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