Drinks at home - stuck in a rut

[Bored40]

Ok so I know it's not really an AIBU but I am a little embarrassed how difficult this seems to be - NC for this reason!

Over the years 'drinks out' has changed to a nice bottle of something while sat on the sofa with DH. Cost of going out, friendships drifting and getting more picky about places as I get older I guess. I now have a stressful/emotionally draining job with unpredictable hours, so it's not really possible to plan to do anything on weeknights.

I've developed a bad habit of 'rewarding' a hard day at work with a drink, or having a drink to wind down. Not every night, and not to the point of being drunk, but its become something me and DH do together. He will have a drink just because he likes it, doesn't have any noticeable ill effects (eg doesnt have enough that it gives him a hangover, no weight issues etc)

I want to nip this in the bud, as it bothers me (my drinking, I'm not judging DH) But I'm finding it hard to feel how I can have 'quality time' with DH on a weekday if I'm not having a drink with him, ridiculous though that sounds. With being stressed from work I'm too restless to just sit on the sofa and watch TV without a glass in hand (I've tried, i end up thinking about work and reading MN on my phone which is pretty antisocial). I looked online to see other people's views on wine o'clock and everything suggests things like reading a nice book or having a bath - again nice occasionally but feels a bit antisocial.
Btw I'm not tied to my DH and insistent on spending time together every evening, but I do like company, and I don't want to ignore him every night so that I'm not drinking!

Anyone else been stuck in a rut like this and got out of it (preferably without LTB )

I try to drink other things to wean myself of drink, tea, coffee, lemon and ginger tea and lots of water.

I know what you mean, it’s very easy to slip into drinking every night like that. We just “crack down” when we need to and say absolutely no drinking Monday- Thursday. It slips back occasionally and then we crack down again, but actually we’ve pretty much stuck to it since January this time.

Switch to a non-alcoholic drink. From what you describe, it might be more the sensation of holding a glass and sipping than needing the alcohol to relax? Try a 'grown up' soft drink - a lime and soda, or one of those expensive non-alcoholic gins, or an elder-flower cordial. He can still have a glass of wine or a beer, but you are choosing to drink something else. You don't have to make a big deal about it being non alcoholic, just say that you fancy something different.

have you got kids? If not (or you can get babysitters) consciously do something else. Go to the pictures, or for a walk, or a bike ride or the gym. Gets you out the house - you don't have the same prompt to have a drink.

Do it twice a week as a different thing. And have a cup of tea when you get in.

it'll help get you out of the rut.

Peppermint tea.

You say when you're not drinking you drift into doing 'antisocial' things to pass the time like being on your phone ect.

You haven't said what it is you do when you are drinking (apart from drinking) which equates to being social together?

Can't you do whatever this thing is without a glass in your hand?

Choose a film or box set and watch it together? If no young children, go for a walk?

I will try switching to a soft drink, though does anyone have recommendations for soft drinks that aren't full of sugar? (I'm not a big fan of tea)
In previous jobs I have been quite good at doing things in the evenings, but with my current job it feels impossible. I also spend a lot of it driving and the longest drive is home - it's not unusual for me to finish work half an hour late but a two hour drive away and by the time I get in (rarely before 7) I'm shattered but wired! Don't have kids, so I do have freedom in that respect, but while I can get out the house I can't commit to plans so I tend to avoid making them.
Ironically I rarely have an issue with drinks on the weekends because I'm quite good at getting out to the gym/bike rides/walks etc, when things are a bit more predictable and I'm less stressed!

(NB I know an obvious answer might be that the job is a problem, it is stressful but because it's people and it's a vocation, so id rather find a way of living with it)

@Doobigetta, I'm glad it's not just me, I was a bit worried the replies would be from the MN once a year drinkers!

@laiste just sitting together watching a series or watching music videos, chatting rubbish. I know it might sound silly but to me theres a social aspect of sharing a bottle with someone.
At the weekends we tend to be up early and out doing things, it's not an issue then.

I really enjoy a fancy tonic water in a wine glass with some ice & lemon

I think another thing to consider is whether you’re putting too much pressure on yourselves to be good company at all times- it’s a lot, and everyone needs proper downtime even away from their partner. So we sit down and eat properly together most nights, and don’t have devices out, and we have certain things we watch together and pay attention to, and we go out about once a week, but quite a lot of the time when we’re just chilling out in the evenings we’re both double screening, messaging friends etc. I think it’s a bit unrealistic to expect that not to happen when you’re spending most of your free time with one person, and I don’t think it matters as long as some time- meals, evenings out, whatever- is “quality” and you don’t do that.

I'm a bit like this. I find if I'm not having an alcoholic drink, j have to have an evening pudding!

I'm pg so been trying out all sorts of alcohol free alternatives.

Have you tried any of the alcohol free wines? I like Eisberg sparkling the best. I am also a big fan of Becks Blue so have that often.
I am also having nice Elderflower sparkling and "posh" lemonades like these:

www.waitrose.com/ecom/products/fentimans-rose-lemonade/785526-111799-111800
www.waitrose.com/ecom/products/belvoir-elderflower-presse/772781-109897-109898

I am exactly the same.

I buy really nice tonic water and jazz it up with fruit and ice.

cut up a few bits of ginger, add a few slices of lemon, a dash of maple syrup, add boiling water and there you have it! a lovely CALMING drink :)

It sounds like you do need to get out. Maybe for a walk, some exercise, sitting in the garden?

Actually I think evening pudding is the way to go!!

It's a good point about not putting pressure on ourselves to have quality time actually. My job involves a lot of talking to people and putting them at ease so I probably do have a tendency to feel I should be good company and be involved rather than taking myself off. Maybe if I focus more on making the weekends a bit better (eg watching the phone habit) then weekday evenings won't seem as big a deal when I'm hiding away with a chocolate cake

Given you don't have children and the nights are light now, could you perhaps go for a walk together every evening for an hour? That would help you unwind. Then I'd switch to sparkling water in a wine glass. It actually doesn't take that long to switch off from wine if you're determined to do it, but it's obvious you have to do something else to unwind.

I love a drink so feel your pain. But other than 1 glass with 1 lunch during the week I mainly keep Monday- Thursday booze free- knowing I'll reward myself with a lovely bottle chilling in fridge waiting for me on Friday evening!

Tell yourselves being even slightly hungover during week is not productive for work or kids. Gives your body/skin time to refresh without booze and makes that extra nice bottle you save for Fridays even more of a treat. A doctor friend has told me we all need at least 2- ideally 3 days/in a row without booze. Drinking smaller amounts every day without a break is actually "worse" than binge drinking (not to crazy amounts obviously) at weekends.

Sparking water with ice can be very refreshing and for me a cold can diet coke definitively keeps me going in evenings.

If I fancy a glass of wine I sometimes have a glass of elderflower cordial and soda, it's quiet grown up and not too sugary :)

Could you try to turn your week around a little and go for a walk / cycle together midweek evenings?
I know your tired after the drive but fresh air/exercise help you to have a good sleep instead of alcohol to relax.

hmm, difficult. DP really doesn't drink much in the house at all and I sometimes really really want a glass of wine so I have one - but if DP was drinking every night I'd probably just join him out of habit. Can you speak to DP and ask if he will help support you in giving it up? He might think its a good idea for both of you to switch to tea or do something else to unwind!

I do get that its difficult! I'm a mum of a baby who doesn't like to sleep much at night, working in a full on full-time job so the alternatives to a half hour of wine and TV and then bed are few and far between! I used to go for a run or yoga class to unwind. Or sometimes DP and I would play a board game and chat, or we would make a big 'thing' out of dinner - 3 courses, cooked from scratch, did it together etc. Could you try any of those?

I like ginger beer (non-alcoholic!) with lime cordial, also lime & soda.

I agree it's very easy to slip into midweek drinking every night!

Thinking through some of the replies in this thread and I think I've come to the realisation that I'm just going to have to start doing stuff on my own to break the habit! DH is usually home well before me, will have already eaten and starting to wind down. I don't think it'd be realistic for him to wait on me to go out and do something together, especially when I only have a rough idea of when I'll get home (and invariably something comes up and it's an hour later than I said I'd be)

I think the easiest thing would be going for a walk as soon as I drop my laptop at home. I think if I started doing that DH might join me sometimes (and would be more likely to than if I insist he's got to join my health kick)
And on the nights where I am determined to come home and veg on the sofa I might temporarily replace the booze with pudding!

Thanks for all the suggestions of drinks alternatives too, I will have a look for some of the elderflower/tonic/ginger alternatives. I do like the fentimans drinks but a lot of those are very sweet!