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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my brother should go to the funeral

32 replies

sinofrench · 31/05/2019 07:33

My mum and brother haven't really spoken in a few years. Now my gran has died and my brother wants to go to her funeral. My mother doesnt want him to go. Whilst I understand that my mum will find it difficult (she says she can't cope with both), i think its unfair that she should ask him not to come. I don't see my brother often but we still have a strong bond and I'm really looking forward to seeing him and sharing our childhood memories. It may also be an opportunity for my brother and her to reconcile. My mum says he didnt have much to do with my gran (who lived abroad) and its unfair of my brother to put her in this situation. Should my Mum's feelings be put first or does my brother have a right to go to the funeral?

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 07:35

Your brother has a right to go to a funeral, and it sounds like he should go. Having said that, if there is some huge backstory here whereby he has abused your mum, she is not BU.

Sirzy · 31/05/2019 07:36

I think there is a way to do it respectfully. He can be there but hover at the back of the church and pay his respects whilst still keeping out of your mums way

wonderinwhy · 31/05/2019 07:37

Your mum is BU. She doesn’t get to dictate who goes to the funeral!! How incredibly controlling and strange. Tell her she’s not in charge of everything and funerals are a day of respect. It’s not about her. Your brother is fully entitled to pay respects to his grandmother if he so wishes. Time for your mother to start reeling her head in. Is she always this precious?

Loopytiles · 31/05/2019 07:37

Stay well out of it!

Neolara · 31/05/2019 07:38

In this scenario, I think your mum's feelings should outweigh your db's. Your mum is burying her mum. Presumably she is devastated.

Yeahsurewhatever · 31/05/2019 07:42

Why don't they talk. I think that's relevant, if their relationship is her fault then she's made her bed.. as difficult as that will be. Equally as pp have said if he's abused her previously then he shouldn't go.
However funerals are generally open to everyone and he does have a right to grieve so there's not really much she can do..

XXcstatic · 31/05/2019 07:43

Your mum is burying her mum. Presumably she is devastated

Though not too devastated to score petty points over her own son, apparently Confused

Agree with hercule - unless your DB has done something terrible to your DM, he should go.

Original poster
sinofrench · 31/05/2019 07:45

Brother and mother's relationship not abusive. He drifted apart from her for his own reasons. Mum isn't devasted. Gran was 98 and think mum is relieved more than anything. Loopytiles, i think you're probably right!

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 07:49

Why doesn’t she want him there?

AnotheChinHair · 31/05/2019 07:56

In that case I think your mum is being controlling.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 31/05/2019 07:59

I think your brother should attend the funeral service and interment (if she's being buried), but not the wake or whatever is being done afterwards.

That way he gets to pay his respects to his grandmother, in a formalised environment where conversation between him and his mother will be limited anyway. I do not think you should be attempting any big reconciliations while your mother is trying to bury her mother, and if you want to catch up with him, it can be done after the ceremonies are over.

Isatis · 31/05/2019 08:00

Unless there are different rules where your grandmother lives, funerals are open to anyone so your mother can't stop your brother attending anyway.

stucknoue · 31/05/2019 08:05

If it's in the U.K. then the service (church/crem) is public but any refreshments are private. But I would not take sides, funerals are for the living, paying respects can be done privately beforehand. It's his call really

Loopytiles · 31/05/2019 08:05

Yes, if your mum wishes to contact your brother to ask him not to attend she can do so herself. Their issues are not yours!

PrincessTiggerlily · 31/05/2019 08:27

Well if DGM has been abroad for years and he hasn't been in contact or seen her it seems a bit pointless to be at her funeral.
As stated above stay out of it as for you it'a a no win situation.

Birdie6 · 31/05/2019 08:33

If they just drifted apart it seems a bit U for her to not want him there. Unless there is a backstory that you don't know about ? Anyway I'd stay out of it . Getting involved wouldn't solve anything.

Ferii · 31/05/2019 08:36

He should go if he want to, your mum shouldn't get a say. No need for unnecessary drama. Families eh?!

Omzlas · 31/05/2019 08:38

Yes, she was your mum's mum but she was also your brother's grandmother and he has every right to go to the funeral. She's trying to dictate and control a situation where it's actually not her business. If your brother wishes to attend, he should.

Idontwanttotalk · 31/05/2019 08:56

Your brother should go to the funeral if he wants to. A funeral is a celebration of the deceased's life - the whole of their life - and your brother was in that life at some point.

He wants to attend to pay his respects. He also shouldn't need to hover at the back as a PP suggested. Your DM will need to know that he definitely will be attending so that she can prepare herself mentally but she needs to accept that he will attend if he wishes to.

I must admit that if your DB just drifted apart from your DM then the reaction by your DM seems a little extreme. You say this was for his own reasons yet I wonder if there is more of a back story here which could account for your DM's strong reaction. Maybe more to it than you know?

NotStayingIn · 31/05/2019 09:14

Has your mom told your brother he can't go, or told you and asked you to pass it on? If it's the latter, don't get involved. I would make sure my brother has the details of the funeral and then stay out of it. Whether your mom wants him there and whether he will/will not go should be between them. I would tell my mom I understand her point but that I can not get involved in this situation as it's clearly between them.

Norma27 · 31/05/2019 09:46

I think he should go. My stepdad died suddenly recently and I arranged the funeral etc for mum. I don’t get on with my sister and we don’t talk. She spoke to mum and said she couldn’t go to the funeral as she was worried about my reaction! When mum told me I messaged my sister and told her of course she should come. We spoke fine on the day and had a drink together.
I hope your mum and brother can both manage to be there together. Even if your brother does hover at the back and keep a low profile.

DeeCeeCherry · 31/05/2019 09:52

He can go to his grandmother's funeral if he wants to and your mum needs to stop centering herself.

duebaby2 · 31/05/2019 10:01

We had this situation in our family recently and the said brother/dad/son in question still went after speaking to the person organising the funeral that was his uncle. His sister and mother were very against him going.

Now him and his mother now have a better relationship than before, think there was some agreement that he'd try to be better and she'd also try too.

He doesn't have to be in the funeral cars or part of carrying the coffin or even attend the after event. Just let him attend the funeral then he can at least say goodbye.

AuntieStella · 31/05/2019 10:10

Is the grandmother your DMum's mother?

When you are newly bereaved of your mother, it can be one of the hardest times in your life, and I think posters saying that she should wind her neck in are being somewhat heartless.

OP: I also think you are missing the point if you are tutting your desire to have a nice catch up with your brother (just go and see him p, if you want that) with the express wishes of the most closely bereaved people. There is not going to be a magical reunion at the funeral.

I would respect your dUmms wishes and support her in the early days of grief.

If your DBro does want to attend, he shouid do so quietly, sit at the back and leave immediately after the main service, without drawing any attention to himself at all. That way, he can say farewell, but without upsetting the service or the oncioal mourners.

RoseAndRose · 31/05/2019 10:11

"your mum needs to stop centering herself"

I think she is nearer the centre, as it is her mother who has just died

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