Aibu my brother should go to the funeral

[sinofrench]

My mum and brother haven't really spoken in a few years. Now my gran has died and my brother wants to go to her funeral. My mother doesnt want him to go. Whilst I understand that my mum will find it difficult (she says she can't cope with both), i think its unfair that she should ask him not to come. I don't see my brother often but we still have a strong bond and I'm really looking forward to seeing him and sharing our childhood memories. It may also be an opportunity for my brother and her to reconcile. My mum says he didnt have much to do with my gran (who lived abroad) and its unfair of my brother to put her in this situation. Should my Mum's feelings be put first or does my brother have a right to go to the funeral?

To be honest, this is a problem for your mother and brother to hammer out. I'd advise not getting involved.

Certainly, both sides are likely to want to talk to you about it, and for you to take their side, but it's not really your place.

I'm guessing there's a whole LOAD of back story here, as to why your mother and brother don't speak (that's so sad, something horrible must have happened). And really, only they know what went down there, and how it has affected them.

It is not your job, or responsibility, to police either of their behaviours. Remember that.

You also need to remember that YOU have lost a relative you (presumably?) cared about. What do YOU need to happen for this funeral to go off in a way that is as stress-free as possible for YOU?
Do you have a confident, close friend who could keep an eye of the whole mum/brother thing on the day, so you don't have to? You honestly can't stop brother attending (and it sounds like you don't want to), but with help from a friend, you can ensure that if a blow-up does happen, you're not near by, or involved. If the friend is a confident sort, could they take brother under their wing for the duration? "Ah David! I've heard so much about you! Come and tell me everything I need to know, in this cozy corner over here!"

Could you even suggest that mum/brother bring their own trustworthy, most sensible friend, with the sole purpose of keeping them away from each other?

Everyone is on extremely heightened emotions during a funeral. It is not the time, or place for extended discussions on who did what to who.

If mum and brother come face to face, for the sake of getting through the day, could they manage to handle a "oh, how nice to see you! I'm just going to grab a cup of tea." If not for your sanity, then for their own. If not for their own, for the sake of the deceased. The last thing she'd want would be everyone to remember her funeral as "the one where Jean and David threw an absolute fit at each other!"

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope the event goes smoothly in the end.

A few relatives have died, children (now adults) didn't get on with parents, or hadn't seen the deceased in a long time, but they came to the funeral & the wake.

Your Mum is making this about herself, said children sat with relatives at the front, at the wake they didn't speak that much to their parents, it wasn't the end of the world.

I would personally say look I'm not my brothers keeper, if he wants to come avoid him.

I do know something which I won't share that your Mum could do, that would be really petty though.

One example, a child hadn't really seen the grandparent in so long, a child wasn't on best terms with parent, it was insisted on though, that child attend in the funeral cars etc.

Regardless of whether your brother hasn't seen his Grandmother in a long time, he must have heartfelt memories of her. The paragraph above was cryptic, I was that child, I still had memories of being with Grandparents growing up. My 'parent' used in a very loose context as I can't recall much parenting, had my siblings and myself grow up being cared for by Grandparents or other obscure relatives.

Seriously who would start an argument at a funeral? Rather bad taste, it isn't about your Mum, she can easily avoid your brother. If they just grew apart, isn't this a chance at reconciliation?

Your mum was happy to let the relationship with her child drift? Seems very odd, probably a backstory you aren't privy too. Havd you ever asked your brother?

She is being unreasonable. If they had 'just drifted' it wouldn't be something to deal with, she would be indifferent.

She would completely destroy any reconnecting chances if she did turn him away. Which suggests she doesn't want any and that you dont have all the information OP.

She could be controlling, having hurt him and be the reason for nc rather then drifting.
Or
He could have done something terrible so she cut contact.

I don't understand why your brother wants to go so much? If he didn't see your gran much and I'm assuming isn't religious. The funeral is clearly the last time and place for a reconciliation. Your mum has lost someone important to her and it would probably make a reconciliation more likely if he put her feelings before his own. Surely you can meet your brother independently.

If they really did just drift apart, then your DM is being unreasonable in saying that she doesn’t want your DB at your grandmother’s funeral. But like other PPs I wonder if there is a backstory that you don’t know about?

You should say out of it really. If your DM has asked you to pass on the message to your DB that he isn’t welcome at the funeral then she’s definitely being unreasonable.

Thanks for all your perspectives, it helps to put things in for me. It is hard not to get involved but i will be devil's advocate if need be and focus on saying my own farewells to my granny. It's abroad and I'll just have to wait and see how it pans out. I have a great aunty who i can go to if i have to.

Your mum is being unreasonable, but it's understandable given that she's grieving, so go easy on her.

You're probably right to try and stay out of it. Just focus on being there for your grieving family and getting through the funeral.

Sorry for your loss