To remind colleagues that it’s not ok to give pregnant co worker horror stories

[Sharkattack2]

Just that really! I am the eldest in a team of around 11 ladies who all work in an open plan office. My ‘children’ are now 22 and 19 so childbirth was a long time ago for me, for some of the other ladies it’s been more recent as we are a large range of ages.

One of my colleagues has recently announced her pregnancy, it’s a bit of a surprise as she nor her husband who is quite a bit older than her (she’s 39) have shown the slightest bit interested in having children - in fact when we’ve all socialised as a group he’s always been more than irritated by having small children around.

Knowing this, some of the other ladies on the team have quite enjoyed regaling tales of long, horror labours, birth injuries, babies with colic, no sleep for 3 years etc - all the worse sides to childbirth and babies. To be fair to pregnant colleague she’s taking it all quite ok and just says that whatever will be etc. I’m getting quite annoyed on her behalf though as it all feels a bit mean. Why do some women do this? I’m trying to balance things by saying that everyone finds their way in the end and it’s a lovely time, life changing but amazing etc. When I reminded one of the girls about not frightening her she said she should know everything warts and all so she’s prepared etc. Not sure I agree!

Any thoughts?

YANBU.

I think in your shoes I'd be mentioning this to each of them. Unless pregnant colleague is asking for info or advice it's not on.

Actually I think they are right. Hearing only the rose tinted version of being a parent makes you feel rubbish when your baby arrives and you find it hard. It's hard to admit that you don't enjoy having a baby (the newborn stage is bloody hard), so hearing other stories can help.

Hearing horrible birth stories is a grounding. Yes everyone would love a vaginal birth with no tears, reality is very very few women have that experience.

Knowing parenting is a difficult thing to do is helpful.

I'm with you. There's being honest and there's being nasty. All I was told through my entire pregnancy was how horrific Labour was going to be, how boring babies are, how I'd never sleep again and some of it was true but I didn't need to hear it through the whole pregnancy! And even worse than those people are the people who talk about pregnancy loss!
At every stage of my pregnancy I had someone tell me they had a friend/family member/colleague who lost their baby at this stage. Just why!?

Yanbu i often find myself telling women of my average relatively easy labour which is not exciting as a story at all but it balances the horrific ones

A woman at work told me horror stories, I took it all with a pinch of salt. When it turned out to be exactly as she'd said, I was grateful to her, as I felt I wasn't the only one, and the experience was normal and that it would pass. A sugar coated conspiracy of silence does no favours.

Teachermaths I think it’s gone too far the other way though now. God forbid anyone admits they enjoy being pregnant, being a mother, or even liking their own children.

It’s all horror stories about tearing, sleepless nights, children running riot, and drinking gin.

There’s a massive difference between “hey, it’s ok to admit you’re struggling; and just to let you know that your birth may not go to plan and that’s OK, it doesn’t make you a failure”; and “OMG you think you’re tired NOW; just wait till you’re post partum with a 3rd degree tear and the little shit hasn’t gotten off your tit in 3 days; did I mention my friend got blue lighted to hospital and the baby had to be resuscitated 5 times?”

YANBU I'm currently pregnant and so many women feel like it's a competition to tell you how horrendous their labours were - and I didn't even ask! I get that not all childbirth is puppies and roses but by telling pregnant women how awful your labour was it doesn't exactly instill confidence in the process.
I've been attending hypnobirthing classes and found it really empowering to hear stories of women who didn't have the 'ideal birth' ie inductions, EMCS, tears etc but have been able to frame it in w positive was as they felt in control of their birth. Those are the stories I want to hear - not it was awful, worst experience of my life etc

I think honesty is good, especially in regards to labour/childbirth. I think women are often infantilised in this respect with the truth brushed over and information withheld from them because they would be ‘too scared’ of the reality of it, but this only leads to women being unprepared and less able to think about the type of birth they want and the choices they’d like to make.
I also think it’s good for reassurance that many things are ‘normal’ such as not getting the sudden amazing rush of love for your baby at birth or not enjoying the early months and finding it unfulfilling.

But that said, I do think some women seem to get a bit of a kick from really going over all the negatives and trying to drive home how horrific the whole thing is going to be. I was very young when I was pregnant and did have a couple of women at work really go on in a ‘wait until the baby is here, you’ll never do this that and the other again. Your life is over’ sort of way and it wasn’t pleasant or at all necessary.

I wish I'd known more about the reality of labour and giving birth. I remember in the antenatal class being told all the reasons why you don't want an episiotomy and feeling upset that I needed one. I had other interventions that I wasn't expecting and my son aspirated meconium. It was a huge shock. It took me a long time to recover, both physically and mentally. If I had known more about what could happen and when/why various interventions would take place I think I'd have been less traumatised

To be honest im in the middle i think pregnant women need to hear how hard it is before their baby arrives otherwise they will get too much of a shock. On the other hand, i think that they also need some positivity to get then theough the pregnancy as it can be so overwhelming.

If I had known then what I know now I'd have had an ECS with DS1. Posterior, cord round neck, pushed him out witb just a small tear. Thought it was great at the time but at about 55 had some problems. Have a rectocele and a weak anal sphincter. Could have been avoided.

Women need clarity and statistics.

It makes no sense at all to create this rose tinted view of pregnancy/birth where you glow and sneeze the baby out with no drugs. People will still have babies and once your pregnant the baby will come out one way or another anyway.
And the stigma of complaining about pregnancy is awful. Just because some women would love to be in your position doesn't mean you need to enjoy it. Pregnancy, for some people, is AWFUL and somehow, being told how lucky you are, isn't helpful. At all.

I think lots of women (and men too) are still a bit traumatised by their birth experience and once you start you can't easily stop.

I'm sure the colleague has lots of friends and family she speaks to outside work, she doesn't sound too concerned and probably feels she can stand up for herself/ ignore.
You on the other hand will sound like a right loon if you start telling your colleagues what to say/ not say.

Equally it’s not helpful being made to feel as though you can’t have a moan about feeling shit pregnancy without being told “haha you think this bit is hard, just WAIT till XYZ...”

Also, yes women need a realistic view of childbirth and clarity to make informed decisions. Not sure how helpful it is being told about how their mate’s hairdresser’s cousin’s baby was stillborn despite having had a scan just the previous day.

YANBU, I'm pregnant with only a few weeks to go and all the way through people have been extremely keen to tell me about horrific labours, how my birth plan is unrealistic because I could end up being rushed for an emergency section anyway (obviously I know that is a possibility but why would it be part of my first choice preferences?!). How I will get post trauma stress disorder from labour, how I'm ridiculous for not automatically wanting an epidural, blah blah blah.
Thankfully I've also spoken to a few people who had very positive birth experiences but won't talk openly about it as they will seem goady.

And yes I know that people shouldn't view labour through rose tinted glasses, but some people seem to take pleasure in trying to make others nervous, scared, etc.

I was so grateful to one colleague who told me they didn't instantly love their baby. If I didn't know that I'd have wondered what was wrong with me.

I’m sure your co-worker can fight her own battles.

YABU to interfere unless asked. At 39 she should be quite capable of telling them to get lost if it’s bothering her.

Teachermaths fully agree

While I understand it's important than women don't go into it thinking everything will be wonderful and bliss and then feel like they are failing when it's not, i believe we really need to put a stop to this societal perception of childbirth as the worst thing a woman can go through. I had a wonderful second birth and a lot of that was because I genuinely believed that it could be a positive experience and prepared myself mentally as much as possible (hypnobirthing is amazing). There were complications but I was in a position to understand them and see everything for what it was. My first birth I was shit scared and totally lost control. On paper it was uneventful, but to me it was a little traumatic.

On the other hand, more needs to be said about how hard parenting can be. Not in the shitty way your colleagues are doing it, but in a "the baby blues are shit but totally normal/your baby might not sleep and you'll feel like the only one who's kid isn't sleeping through but that's bullshit/all the preconceived ideas of how you will parent will likely go out the window but that's ok" sort of way.

Yanbu. Quite a few people told me with such smugness that I didn't know what was coming or said things like 'wait til the baby arrives, then you'll know how lack of sleep really feels'. Why are you so happy to see me suffer?
It's like some people think they're the first person to ever give birth or have a baby.

There's a difference between being honest and gleefully being excessively dramatic. Most women telling "horror stories" are just telling their truth. Should they be censored or just tell lies?

I love it when births go well. I don't love it when it is reported with a sanctimonious tone as though they deserved it and women who've undergone difficult births stuffed it up by doing it wrong. Again, most people don't do this.

Honesty is important as is accepting there's a decent amount of luck involved. It is worth having a birth plan to set out your starting points and what you are comfortable with or not, but accept that there is little choice about the way a birth progresses.

Women have always shared and talked about the risks and difficulties of childbirth. It's very recent that we have needed groups to do it right and expected to have a good birth. When things aren't right now we feel like freaks and failures because nobody dares to talk about reality.

I wish I'd heard more horror stories tbh. Might have prepared me better for just how traumatic the birth was.