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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To remind colleagues that it’s not ok to give pregnant co worker horror stories

53 replies

Sharkattack2 · 30/05/2019 21:19

Just that really! I am the eldest in a team of around 11 ladies who all work in an open plan office. My ‘children’ are now 22 and 19 so childbirth was a long time ago for me, for some of the other ladies it’s been more recent as we are a large range of ages.

One of my colleagues has recently announced her pregnancy, it’s a bit of a surprise as she nor her husband who is quite a bit older than her (she’s 39) have shown the slightest bit interested in having children - in fact when we’ve all socialised as a group he’s always been more than irritated by having small children around.

Knowing this, some of the other ladies on the team have quite enjoyed regaling tales of long, horror labours, birth injuries, babies with colic, no sleep for 3 years etc - all the worse sides to childbirth and babies. To be fair to pregnant colleague she’s taking it all quite ok and just says that whatever will be etc. I’m getting quite annoyed on her behalf though as it all feels a bit mean. Why do some women do this? I’m trying to balance things by saying that everyone finds their way in the end and it’s a lovely time, life changing but amazing etc. When I reminded one of the girls about not frightening her she said she should know everything warts and all so she’s prepared etc. Not sure I agree!

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Symbol · 31/05/2019 01:05

I don't think you can police what other people in the office say. They can share their experiences if they want. Whether they should or not is another matter. But I wouldn't try to tell another woman she couldn't talk about how her baby had colic or that she had a difficult labour.

avacadooo · 31/05/2019 01:08

This has happened to me loads of times, a woman I'd just met at work told me she had a baby die and the story was awful and so upsetting and another that I barely know told me she almost died and ripped everywhere.

I get it's not all sunshine and roses as my own sister had a traumatic birth and my mum almost died giving birth to my brother and mil had an emergency c-section but difference is they didn't tell me in the most horrific way possible to scare me and i wasn't randomly told this while trying to do my job. People massively overstep boundaries when you're pregnant.

I also walked into work to have the new person say I was very round and attempt to grab me which is also unacceptable.
Work should be professional not a place where I have to hear about my colleagues torn up vaginas on a daily basis.

thisisadistraction · 31/05/2019 01:15

No ones saying anyone should be censored or tell lies. But maybe wait to tell your horror stories if you're actually asked. If someone was going for surgery for something I'd had done I wouldn't tell them how terrifying and horrific it was, why would I try to scare the shit out of someone who has to go through it?

ScreamScreamIceCream · 31/05/2019 05:54

Your colleague is 39 not 29 so will be able to tell them to shut up. If you don't want to hear your colleagues horrible birth stories then tell them to politely shut up.

Teateaandmoretea · 31/05/2019 07:13

Why would a 29-year old be any different they are grown, mature women either way how utterly bizarre?

Yanbu OP ultimately people talk shit, life and motherhood is what you make it. I was back horseriding within 4 weeks of giving birth with both my dc, DH did most of the night feeds. We do lots of things you apparently can't do with children, its just yawn inducing frankly. Some people choose not to leave the house for 12 months fair enough but it isn't compulsory.

And in terms of labour no one has any idea what will happen it isn't hard to research if you want to. Many women just choose to go with the flow, perfectly reasonable.

Teachermaths · 31/05/2019 07:52

Yanbu OP ultimately people talk shit, life and motherhood is what you make it. I was back horseriding within 4 weeks of giving birth with both my dc

Bully for you. I had a 5 month infection, ended up with a machine to suck me back together after a horrific EMCS. I couldn't drive for 9 weeks and couldn't walk for the first 2 days. I do tell people this if they ask because they need to know birth isn't a walk in the park.

codenameduchess · 31/05/2019 08:10

Your colleague is 39 not 29
What difference would being 29 make?

Op yanbu if she hasn't asked for the info, but she can happily ask them to stop or walk away. I have friends who asked me and dh for the truth about birth and baby when they were pregnant as we'd done it already, we were totally honest about it and after the birth they both said how they appreciated the real story from us as birth was nothing like the rose tinted fairy tales they got from everyone else and the newborn definitely was not all sunshine and cuddles! We're all now in the toddler stages and happily share stories and tips regularly.

I'd never tell anyone unsolicited though, if I'm asked I'll tell the truth, and so will dh- he saw a new dad in the lift on the way to meet me in the delivery room who told him his baby had just been born and it was magical/amazing.... dh was unprepared for what birth actually is and almost passed out when baby came out (I've never seen anyone actually turn green before!), he said the smell was the most surprising part so is happy to tell expectant dads if they ask.

Leleophants · 31/05/2019 08:19

I agree.

Everyone knows the horrors! Why try and cause serious anxiety in someone who still has to go through it? It's not like she's sitting there thinking "oh it going to be so easy and painless!"

NauseousMum · 31/05/2019 08:57

I think it's good to have a balanced view of all aspects of pregnancy, birth and after.

Some people do love bigging up only positive or negative though. Stories are good to be shared when wanted but some people enjoying telling the worst or telling the best and making others feel bad for not managing it.

Keep sharing all the stories if your colleague wants to hear. If she doesn't, she can say so and change the subject.

I did the hypnobirthing where at the last minute things became an emergency. Luckily most people after were great but i had some making it clear that i had done it wrong because the emergency arose- BS.

Additionally, i know only one other friend who i chat to about this but we both admit we hate pregnancy. However thats seen as a terrible thing to say, and you should enjoy it. How do you enjoy hg? Piles and spd that leave you breathless and bedridden? There's the end that brings the best but apparently you shouldnt moan in the interim despite the fact that no one would tell you to enjoy vomiting, nausea, severe cramps, spd, migraines etc for any other reason.

princesstinnedpeach · 31/05/2019 09:19

I'm pregnant with my first. I totally agree with the argument that women should be able to hear balanced, realistic views/experiences of pregnancy/childbirth/babyrearing. I also think that we should be free to choose ourselves how we access those views. For most people these days, that might include asking trusted friends and relatives, midwives, internet research etc. Likely that it doesn't include being given unsolicited advice about fanny-related matters over your decaf latte by someone you probably don't actually know that well.

NauseousMum · 31/05/2019 09:28

Unfortunately princesstinnedpeach (and as someone also pregnant i completely agree with you and it's so annoying) many people are happy to ask intimate questions, give intimate advice and even grope your bump.

In my last pregnancy i had:
Was it planned?
How long did it take to conceive?
Do you have piles yet?
Breasts sagging yet?
How's your continence? Kiss goodbye to your pelvic floor after! (Sadly true)
Are there twins in there, you are too big.

These weren't wanted comments or even from friends/family. From coworkers, acquaintances,someone i met in the baby aisle at ASDA.

Just as before i got pregnant i had a myraid of intrusive questions telling me not to leave long, why weren't we trying now we were it never ends the unsolicited comments and advice. Sadly. I don't give it unless asked.

Teateaandmoretea · 31/05/2019 09:35

My first birth wasnt a walk in the park either but I'm sorry you had such an awful experience. Motherhood is what you make it ultimately, birth otoh is largely luck and out of our control whatever the hypnobirthers say.

katseyes7 · 31/05/2019 09:39

My mother did this with me when l was quite young. Horror stories about how bad my birth had been. lt's why l chose not to have children, she terrified me. My recurring nightmare throughout my life has always been about being heavily pregnant.

Women know that childbirth isn't a walk in the park for most people. l don't think it's helpful to feed pregnant women with tales about how awful it was for them.

Pinkvoid · 31/05/2019 09:48

There was a similar thread a couple of weeks ago.

I wish I’d known more before DC1 was born if I’m being totally honest. His birth was a massive shock to me, I had no idea back to back births existed or shoulder dystocia... I also wish someone had warned me about colic or told me to try white noise and co-sleeping. Wish someone had told me to use lansinoh nipple cream from the start and to expect breastfeeding to be painful in the beginning too.

I expected everything would be natural and wonderful. I fully expected sleepless nights but I didn’t know colic was a thing so I thought it would mean waking every 2-3 hours, not being awake all night long...

RubberTreePlant · 31/05/2019 09:50

YABU to call women "ladies".

Rach182 · 31/05/2019 10:00

I do try to be honest in a balanced way with my friends who see me with my toddler/ baby on their good days & tell me they're broody/ want to start trying for a baby. I was the first in my group to have a baby and I wish someone had been honest about how much your life will change/ how motherhood changes many women and you feel a shell of your former self.

To pregnant women I don't tell horrific birth stories because they already know labour is hard and there's no point in scaring someone but I do mention that recovery can be difficult as I wish someone had told me this first time round. I had prepared myself mentally for birth but had no idea the real shocker was to come in recovering from a difficult birth while looking after a newborn.

DirtyNumbAngel · 31/05/2019 11:30

RubberTreePlant

Sorry to be ignorant but why is calling women 'ladies' unreasonable?

Genuine Question

gggrrrargh · 31/05/2019 11:48

My friend is pregnant, I don't want to scare her but the birth was so horrific (ignored, not given options that I had been assured prior to birth I could, tearing etc) that I simply don't have it in me to say anything positive! It's a shame, but at least I can frame some positivity out of it i.e saying think carefully about if you do want to go in the midwife led low risk unit as they are recommending, because in my experience i would not go with that again and this is why.

floppityhatesflowers · 31/05/2019 12:25

YANBU. I hated this when I was pregnant. I'd had a miscarriage at 13 weeks which they all knew about, I was then pregnant with dc1 and they were talking about people they'd known that had stillborns.

Then the severe tear horror stories.

I did end up having a really traumatic birth that resulted in severe internal tearing but I shall never divulge that openly to any pregnant women! If I'm asked and probed about my birth experience, I would tell them but would be very matter of fact with what happened because it's important to be aware of things but some people seem to get weird kicks out of scaring people.

WMPAGL · 31/05/2019 13:36

Just my tuppence worth as I'm pregnant with my first - I really appreciate hearing all the unvarnished stories as I don't want to be set up for a fall and think I'm the only one struggling.

I've heard horror stories and lovely stories and having the range is incredibly helpful as I feel like if it all goes horribly wrong, I'm prepared and won't feel isolated and if it all goes better I'll feel lucky and pleasantly surprised!

A hope for the best, prepare for the worst sort of thing.

That's just me and I'm generally pretty pragmatic and absolutely do not want things sugar coated for me - I want to be fully forewarned. If your colleague seems to be handling it fine then she might be the same way.

Aberforthsgoat · 31/05/2019 13:43

I think it’s fine to have a realistic view of childbirth but I agree with OP about the way it’s delivered - some woman seem so full of glee to share their stories and tell their friends or colleagues how their lives will be ruined. That’s what I don’t like.

ishouldbedoingsomework · 31/05/2019 13:54

I'm with RubberTreePlant. To me, the word 'ladies' sounds condescending and patronising.

Stompythedinosaur · 31/05/2019 14:28

I avoid horror stories about giving birth unless directly asked, but I always say that I found having a newborn incredibly hard. Mainly because I remember feeling like the only one who struggled and feeling crap about it, and it been really helpful to hear that not every woman sails through.

RubberTreePlant · 31/05/2019 14:35

Sorry to be ignorant but why is calling women 'ladies' unreasonable?

Its twee, patronising, and painfully anti-feminist.

Cookit · 31/05/2019 14:45

I agree. I always found it patronising.

If we are being honest we should talk about those tough bits but also the bits we love about it and the bits we found surprisingly easy. It seems sometimes like a competition on who can have the worst experience. That’s not helping anyone.

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