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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother is being a malicious bitch?

35 replies

hmga90 · 30/05/2019 19:14

Grandfathers funeral on Monday- he was my best friend. We were very very close. Was old and I’ll but death came as a massive, massive shock. My parents were away on a cruise with my aunt and uncle so neither my aunt or mum were there when he died (his daughters).

With this I had to call my brother (who I haven’t seen in 6 years and we had an awful relationship, he’s an emotionally abusive piece of shit) because I literally had no idea what to do as I couldn’t contact either of them. He literally lasted five minutes before going on a verbally abusive tirade before I had to walk away from him because I was getting that distressed. During this time my best friend of over 15 years was driving up from London (we are in Newcastle). I told the staff in her nursing home to contact me if they needed anything and would be back the next day to empty his room

Anyway was banged awake at 3am by my mum- brother had managed to get hold of her, they had flown home and come straight to mine giving me shit about “abandoning my brother at a time like this” and “how dare I make it all about me”. Worth mentioning brother hadn’t seen grandfather in over 15 years, was ashamed of him and his lifestyle/background (hard working working class, but brother can’t admit he comes from working class roots and neither can my mum). Aunt got out of the car, told my mum to leave me alone (aunt was told mum was coming to check if I was OK and instead she was just giving me shit) and I told my mum to keep away from me and if she came back I’d call the police.

Mum contacted me 3 days later apologising and said she was out of order and even my brother wanted to apologise (fucking unheard of, nearly had a heart attack on the spot) so went for dinner and surprise surprise my brother just ended up giving me shit and my dad ended up asking him to leave because me and mum were getting upset.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mum either- but I believed over the past week, we have been closer than we have for years. And then came the phone call this morning.

Brother gloating that he had been given 10k off my mother in advance of her getting grandparents money. Brother DOES NOT need this money- earns a six figure salary, gorgeous home which he can easily afford, 6 month old car and numerous luxury holidays each year. I need to move out my flat, earn minimum wage and drive a 16 year old car that is falling apart. I’m not saying brother shouldn’t get the money- I’m saying, I should get the same- no?

Called mum and tried to have a reasonable conversation about it. Apparently I don’t need it- I can move back in with my parents (not a chance- one of us will end up dead within the first hour I can guarantee it) and my car is still running is it not? I asked why she had given my brother money and her response? He wants to go to the Caribbean for Christmas Hmm

Mum also then drops into the conversation that my best friend can also not come to the funeral (she approved this before I even asked her) who has had to pull a lot of strings at work to get the time off.

I can’t face going alone I’m going to be a wreck. AIBU?

OP posts:
cafenoirbiscuit · 30/05/2019 19:17

Take your friend. You’re going to need her support.
Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Whisky2014 · 30/05/2019 19:17

She can't stop your friend from going.

Personally I'd take friend to funeral and then completely distance myself from the family.

nrpmum · 30/05/2019 19:18

YANBU. My gob is well and truly smacked. You poor thing. Take your friend to the funeral. Your mum cannot dictate the support you need. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2019 19:22

I'm very sorry, op, for your loss and this awful situation. I can tell you with 100% sincerity that I would NOT go to the funeral. Going to a funeral is to primarily support the living, and that is clearly impossible. You will get nothing but more abuse and trauma. I am confident your grandfather wouldn't want that for you. Your family are fucking horrific. I would be done with the lot of them.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 30/05/2019 19:22

Oh OP I'm sorry about your grandfather, what a terrible loss Flowers

My brother behaved similarly before, during and after our Mum died and I have to say I barely speak to him now (I do for my dad's sake, because when I tried to go NC it broke my dad's heart). Some things are unforgivable, so I get it and I'm sorry you're going through it Flowers

Take your friend, you need to have support there and it really isn't for anyone else to say otherwise. If your mother starts a scene I'm fairly sure she'll be told to pack it in (or I would hope so).

Grieve how you need to grieve, and step back from anyone who is making life harder than it already is.

So in answer to your AIBU, YANBU at all.

CarolsBiggestFan · 30/05/2019 19:23

Just sounds like a whole load of drama.

Take your friend to the funeral - your mum is hardly likely to make a scene on the day, and then after the funereal you and your friend go out for dinner or get a takeaway, and make this the start of distancing yourself from all of the drama and hysterics and dysfunction.

mbosnz · 30/05/2019 19:25

She cannot forbid your friend from going. She can fuck right off. And make room on her broom for your revolting brother.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 30/05/2019 19:25

Spend the day with your friend. Have lunch, raise a toast to dgf. Make arrangements to got to the cemetery at a later date with your friend and lay flowers. Do not waste a moment of your time /mind on your so called family.
Sorry for your loss op.

PerfectPeony2 · 30/05/2019 19:26

Take your friend to the funeral for the support- you can’t stop someone going to a funeral as they are open to the public. Not sure why she would want to anyway.

I’m sorry your mother is being so awful. My Mum favours my brother over me so I understand how awful it feels- he’s so smart/ funny/ clever. Whereas I get taken advantage of. Yours sounds horrible and I would completely detach from even speaking to him- just be polite but don’t engage as that’s what he wants.

I’m really sorry the loss of your grandfather and hope you are able to get some closure at the funeral. Flowers

herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 19:27

Well, they sound horrible, but calling her to ask her for money when you don’t particularly get on wasn’t a great move either.

Ilovemylabrador · 30/05/2019 19:28

Take your friend to funeral and be civil but disengage from all of this.

justthecat · 30/05/2019 19:29

Very sorry about your loss.
Has your mother seen the will ? It would be classic if your dgf left nothing to her and she’s given your idiot brother money on assumption

dementedpixie · 30/05/2019 19:33

Did he have a will? It would be a shame if he didn't

Bronze · 30/05/2019 19:34

You need to go no contact with your family. This is classic narcissistic parent territory, you're the scapegoat & your brother is the golden child. It'll never change & no-contact is the best way (I speak from experience).

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 30/05/2019 19:35

Take your friend and ignore them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2019 19:44

My brother is also an abusive arsehole and golden child. Take your friend with you. You are going to need the support. Flowers

BMW6 · 30/05/2019 19:45

Sounds like you have a decent relationship with your Aunt? Stand with your friend and Aunt at the funeral.
If there is a will and you are a beneficiary, would your Aunt make sure you received your legacy?

Sorry you have lost your Grandad Flowers

Sadly your Mum and brother are total cunts.

bridgetreilly · 30/05/2019 19:47

Take your friend to the funeral, no question.

And maybe at an appropriate point drop in to the conversation that you're thinking of going on a luxury holiday to the Caribbean at Christmas, and could she advance you £10k of her inheritance?

AutumnCrow · 30/05/2019 19:52

But the OP says, hercule, that the brother rang to gloat. That's provocative and mean.

AutumnCrow · 30/05/2019 19:53

I'd want to see the will. Ask your Aunt.

herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 19:54

AutumnCrow

I’m not saying it’s not.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 30/05/2019 19:58

So sorry about your grandfather OP.

Of course your friend can accompany you to the funeral. Your mother and brother sound awful.

KeplerExoplanets · 30/05/2019 20:05

Tell them all to fuck off and take your friend. Afaik anyone can attend a funeral. You need to distance yourself from these twats!

Boysey45 · 30/05/2019 20:07

Its totally up to your Mum how she spends any money left to her. If I were you I wouldn't want it anyway. Just do your own thing and leave them to it, they sound horrid. If you want to go to the funeral then do so, its not up to them to say who can or cant attend.

Notabedofroses · 30/05/2019 20:37

Funeral: take your friend to the service, leave immediately afterwards to toast his memory elsewhere. The wake is likely to be awful with your brother and mother.

Aunt: Tell her you would like to see the will. I wonder if you have been left money and your mother is trying to 'balance' things out?

I don't know what to suggest beyond some boundaries and distance with your parents, your mother mainly. You can't change people, that is what I have learnt in my time.