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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Totally depressed about ds9 - aibu to ask for hand hold and advice?

39 replies

Suliemantra · 30/05/2019 08:45

Am a bit tearful.

Got back from camping with DC.

Ds 9 was horrendous. Every opportunity to be unkind , unhelpful , petulant, aggressive - he seemed to take it.

I feel like such a failure as a mother and a human being. I just don't know how to help him or make things better.

Without a pretty constant reward / punishment system the entire trip would have been ruined. Ie it got to the point that he was either flipping out or being cruel repeatedly without it. Once the rules were hammered down - ie one unkind comment you do down a point and so on. I don't want to be that overbearing- it was necessary to just get in the car or out of the car etc.

And example of how bad it was - at one point he cheated at chess during a pub lunch, I called him out on it , he shouted and screamed and crouched in a corner facing a wall, shouting.

I asked him to stop, calm down and it took me physically picking him up to sit back on his chair not disturb/ frighten other diners.

No identified SEN despite OT and private EP - fine motor control and self esteem are the two areas that have been raised.

OT thought maybe retained palmar reflex could be at play.

Any help or advice welcomed.

Does it get better?

I'm doing everything I can to be consistent/ loving / fair / encourage independence.

OP posts:
howwudufeel · 30/05/2019 08:48

He’s probably just starting puberty early. Haven’t you ever heard that teenagers are utter twats? It’s hard but you will get used to it.

Original poster
Suliemantra · 30/05/2019 08:49

Btw he does not behave like this at school.

But we get very few invites to play or party invites, despite my being friendly with lots of mums and invite others, so I guess I can assume he is not well liked or hard work with the other kids at break etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suliemantra · 30/05/2019 08:51

@howwudufeel could it be that do you think? It seems so young!

And yes utter twunt about covers it.

If he's started early will it finish early?? Or is this it for the next decade....

OP posts:
howwudufeel · 30/05/2019 08:54

Yes if it starts early it finishes early. I probably sounded flippant which is wrong of me. My dc who has always been very calm and lovely has started having tantrums and being unpleasant, coinciding with physical changes. You think you know your child then it all changes. If it is this, a chat about hormones and how every child goes through this may be in order. However it’s also worth investigating if anything else is at play. I would certainly do some digging into how things are for him at school. Bullying can trigger similar sort of behaviour.

Candleglow7475 · 30/05/2019 08:56

How did you call him out on it? Was it just a quiet ‘I know you are cheating’ Or was it an embarrassing show down? I used to have start off a game with 1 DS setting the rules I.e we are playing grown up rules, no cheating, we’re playing properly and I might win this. So he’s being ‘prepped’ in the proper conduct so to speak.
Having said this the same DS has brought me to tears on a holiday before - for different reasons.
Have you observed him during sport, does he play by the rules then and can he show good sportsmanship?

sheshootssheimplores · 30/05/2019 08:56

I think punishment/reward is all you can do. I have to do this with my soon to be 7 year old, I fully expect to be doing it until he’s about 25 😬

GreenTulips · 30/05/2019 09:01

What’s he like at home

Original poster
Suliemantra · 30/05/2019 09:02

Thanks all.

He is able to follow the rules when he plays for his football team. However at any other more casual games situation he tries to cheat.

I feel very much as though he is becoming a dislikeable person and I don't want to think that about my son Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Suliemantra · 30/05/2019 09:03

At home - the same, worse in that he gets bored, better in that there are less points of transition at which to argue

OP posts:
Original poster
Suliemantra · 30/05/2019 09:04

I've looked into bullying quite a lot but have concluded after a disastrous birthday sleepover they are all equally vile to eachother as a peer group Sad

OP posts:
Alwaysgrey · 30/05/2019 09:09

Two kids of 10 and 9 here. Youngest has Sen so a little different but I found my 10 year old could be quite grotty due to issues at school friendship and feeling like she wasn’t good enough. Was the EP sorted via school? Because if so it would suggest they think there might be something at play. Having experienced two separate EPs I’ve found them quite unhelpful. We had more luck with an OT (this was for my youngest). Is it worth checking in with his teacher just to see how things are at school and whether they’ve noticed anything? My 10 year old and her year group aren’t overly pleasant to each other.

Alwaysgrey · 30/05/2019 09:10

Also, is his dad around?

Candleglow7475 · 30/05/2019 09:10

I think reward and punishment is the right approach, my DS has just finished a 2 week x box ban which you would think nearly killed him, had it back for 3 days then banned again for something else behavioural.
I see from my own 3 kids there are just different personalities, including compliant and non compliant. It’s hard but I think by enforcing boundaries you are being consistent. You aren’t a failure at being a mum.

stayclosetoyourself · 30/05/2019 09:16

Have you tried speaking to him in a loving non judgemental way about his behaviour? That you expect him to be kind and helpful and if he can't be is he able to say wahats wrong and why! If anything is bothering him?
Is there anything else going on in the family - bereavements, losses, house moves?
You could consider psychological family/ systems therapy

Original poster
Suliemantra · 30/05/2019 09:19

Thanks candle. I'm finding it so hard.

No ep not sorted through school.Yes dad is very involved.

School think nothing wrong except handwriting.

I feel like I'm raising a psychopath Sad

OP posts:
PeoniesarePink · 30/05/2019 09:25

He's testing his boundaries. My eldest was like this, my other 2 were an absolute doddle in comparison. What did happen was that those 2 ended up being sidelined at times because the eldest took all the attention and shouted the loudest.

Sometimes it works better to completely ignore bad behaviour, and reward the good instead otherwise life just becomes one constant battle. Obviously you can't do this with everything, but there is a danger of falling into the trap of them having your entire attention all of the time.

It's so tough. I look back and wonder how the hell I survived our eldest being a teenager. Thankfully she's turned into an amazing adult, wonderful Mum and my best friend but for many many years, I really didn't like her and that's hard to admit to.

SkintAsASkintThing · 30/05/2019 09:26

That sort of fight or flight response over a chess game isn't normal. He sounds extremely anxious and probably exhausted from constantly being in a heightened state.

The anxiety will cause him to act out to avoid situations. Everything will seem overwhelming to him.

Xmas2020 · 30/05/2019 09:36

Perhaps he did not want to go camping @Suliemantra, or he is coming down with something? Its his holidays snd perhaps he wanted to fo do something with his friends.

SofiaAmes · 30/05/2019 09:37

My dd had pretty bad behavior issues (including cheating at every game going) around age 7 or 8 and is now a relatively (she is a teenager after all) delightful 16 year old. The turning point was giving her a lot (!!!) more attention and being very respectful of her emotional boundaries. She needed (and we started giving) way more hugs and cuddles than she was getting and we were very careful not to push her to do things that she wasn't ready to do. Even if we thought that she was ready, we waited until she felt that she was. We also discovered that she has pretty severe dyslexia and anxiety, but with therapy and accommodations has developed a really good toolkit for managing it all so now at 16 is much better adjusted than most of her peers.

FloatingthroughSpace · 30/05/2019 09:46

I think you should investigate autism. Not all EPs (or schools) are skilled at identifying this in its less obvious forms.
Evidence:
Worse at home, compliant at school
Transitions hard
Holidays overwhelming
Limited lasting, reciprocal friendships
Struggles to manage emotions
Struggles to be objective about the size of problems, which means responses are out of kilter
Difficulties in social interaction
And yes, poor handwriting....

Sounds like an old Asperger's child to me. 9 was a classic age for diagnosis as it's the age at which people realise they are growing out of it and they "should" be able to manage better.

Birdsonginthetrees · 30/05/2019 09:47

My youngest was like this. We reached a point where we were no longer able to play boardgames as a family because he couldn't stand losing and would get so angry / oversensitive.

He's always been a difficult kid - tantrums when younger, generally being a bit stubborn and unreasonable, but it definitely all got worse (the boardgame sensitivity and a feeling like we all had to tread on eggshells around him) around age 10. His reactions to things seemed way out of proportion.

Over the years I've had loads of worries re raising a psychopath. At one stage I was considering counselling / therapy for him but we didn't ever do it as whenever we tried to talk to him about his behaviour he'd get very upset. For example we bought him a workbook on anger but he said he wouldn't read it as it'd mean he was 'special' (as in SEN). He's always been very well behaved at school.

He's now in year 7 and has become much more calm and reasonable at home, the big over sensitive responses to things that don't go his way are now a thing of the past. If he's tired we still get the occasional nonsense psycho responses, but overall he has really calmed down.

TwentyChews · 30/05/2019 09:56

At around the age 8 or 9 new parts of the frontal brain develop - including the abitliy to see (and argue) logic and a greater desire for independence. This can come out as quite frankly shitty behaviour - as either they are resisting being told what to do (particularly at home where they feel safe) and or fear of the desire for independence. It may be this plus hormones/beginnings of puberty.

I agree with PP - maybe try and have a calm conversation with him (in the car, side by side or on a walk/dog walk is a good one as you are not facing each other - so no risk of feeling face-to-face confrontational.

Just explain to him he is going through changes and it is alright to feel scared/angry/frustrated but what can you all do to help him manage these feelings better.

purplegirdles · 30/05/2019 10:23

My step daughter was like this at 8/9. She's now nearly 11 and a lot better. We used a LOT of punishment/reward - pretty much as you're describing. It's draining and stressful though. I felt like you just get it a tiny bit wrong because you're exhausted or whatever and the behaviour escalates. Her reactions to things seemed way out of proportion so you're always trying to anticipate and avoid that. To be honest (this probably sounds bad) we ended up limiting what kind of activities we did when she was like this. As soon as you said "camping" I was thinking of SD back then and "nooooo". When they were younger we used to go camping and will again, but we went to Haven for a couple of years where they have organised activities, etc... Seemed to work a lot better as she would behave so differently for other people. To this day SD (though generally calmer) is at her best when busy and occupied pretty much all the time. Bored and she makes trouble - something she admits to.

cece · 30/05/2019 10:36

123 magic by Thomas phelan. Read the book. It's also possible to do a short course in implementing the system

lumpy76 · 30/05/2019 16:06

ADHD/hfASD - masking at school.