Totally depressed about ds9 - aibu to ask for hand hold and advice?

[Suliemantra]

Am a bit tearful.

Got back from camping with DC.

Ds 9 was horrendous. Every opportunity to be unkind , unhelpful , petulant, aggressive - he seemed to take it.

I feel like such a failure as a mother and a human being. I just don't know how to help him or make things better.

Without a pretty constant reward / punishment system the entire trip would have been ruined. Ie it got to the point that he was either flipping out or being cruel repeatedly without it. Once the rules were hammered down - ie one unkind comment you do down a point and so on. I don't want to be that overbearing- it was necessary to just get in the car or out of the car etc.

And example of how bad it was - at one point he cheated at chess during a pub lunch, I called him out on it , he shouted and screamed and crouched in a corner facing a wall, shouting.

I asked him to stop, calm down and it took me physically picking him up to sit back on his chair not disturb/ frighten other diners.

No identified SEN despite OT and private EP - fine motor control and self esteem are the two areas that have been raised.

OT thought maybe retained palmar reflex could be at play.

Any help or advice welcomed.

Does it get better?

I'm doing everything I can to be consistent/ loving / fair / encourage independence.

I think hfASD and masking. I don't know what to do though any advise welcomed.

Read around the subject. Get as much info as possible. Punishments really don't work. Either ask gp for referral or if you can afford it private is around £1800. Camping has been a no go for us too! And the games...our 9 yr old can't cope with them either. Xxx

What did the EP say?

I'd agree punishments rarely work with children like this - try reading the explosive child, downloading the lagging skills as described when reading the booking to try to identify what is happening for him but I'd agree nonjudgmental living approach is the way in my experience punishing a child like this often makes it worse I really recommend the explosive child.

I second the explosive child as something to read. Really good book.

I could of written your post. My son is Jekyll and Hyde. Lovely at primary but is starting to show elements of himself in secondary.
I spent years telling the school something wrong with my son but because he was lovely at school. Did 123 magic with him and it helped but within a year we were back to the normal situation.
I have no words but my son is having life coaching. We did counselling before paid for it. But he refused to go. I have been called all sorts and hit. I really feel your desperation. My other children can’t stand my son.

Hi OP. I don't really have anything constructive to say... Just that my DS (8) immediately sprang to mind when I read your post. I feel like I spend my life punishing/rewarding and punishing some more, just to try and get through the every day things that really should be easy at worst and enjoyable at best... It's exhausting and when it's done and time to finally relax, DH and I seem to spend our evenings discussing/debating/downright arguing over whose/which approach works best. He thinks I'm too soft on DS (firm believer in smacking, though I've drawn a definite line there and he knows I'd be out the door if he ever did it!) My mum's relationship and mine feels like it's in tatters. She thinks I'm too hard on DS because "he's still only a baby". (At 8?!!) I can't do right for doing wrong and like you say, I feel like I'm raising and unlikable little boy (and it hurts more than you can imagine to admit that!) And the thing is, I'm doing my best. I always have done/always will do. I don't know what the answer is, other than to keep going. But I wanted you to know that your post brought me some comfort (thinking I'm not alone) and I hope that similarly, mine might bring you some too.

I feel like I'm raising a psychopath

Take him to speak to someone. Seriously. It might be nothing...but it might be something and then you'll wish years from now you had done something about it. Even if it's adhd or autism, getting a diagnosis might help you know what to do next.

Just out of interest, did you split with your partner when he was young/before he was born?

I think you should investigate autism. Not all EPs (or schools) are skilled at identifying this in its less obvious forms.
Evidence:
Worse at home, compliant at school
Transitions hard
Holidays overwhelming
Limited lasting, reciprocal friendships
Struggles to manage emotions
Struggles to be objective about the size of problems, which means responses are out of kilter
Difficulties in social interaction
And yes, poor handwriting....

This 100% describes my 6 year old DS. I've tried the gp but been told that because he makes eye contact and responds to questions appropriately there's nothing neurological to be concerned about It's such a frustrating situation and I have no idea where to go next as school won't get involved either.

for you OP, it's a tough life to live. I hope you manage to get some help and support.

I just wanted to thank you all for your help.

It has been so comforting and lots of great ideas.

We have a referral to CAMHS which is good.

I intend am in the process of getting clinical CBT/ hypnotherapy privately. Even if he just relaxes while doing the hypnotherapy I think that will help.

I have bought the explosive child and the magic 123 waiting to arrive

Lowering all expectations of him coping in any situation is my first step; not encouraging him to so anything he doesn't want to.

Keeping rules consistent in regards to kindness to others but relaxing on other areas.

I am also reading Tony Atwoods complete guide to Asperger's as I think he shows traits as pp have said.

And repeating the mantra of he's only q child and picking my battle at kindness only to others for now. Cause anything additional and he is absolutely set off.

Thanks again all

Please please please don't be so hard on yourself. Your doing your very best. Big hugs

Also try love bombing. You've got into a negative spiral. Step back and fake it till you make it with cuddles and compliments. Even if they are shrugged off they'll be appreciated. "You might not want a cuddle but I do" followed by a tinkly laugh and a very quick hug.

Am also reading this thread OP
Have little advice as in a similar boat
Compounded by dad issues and screen addiction

I first discovered Mumsnet by googling when I was in the same position with my DS1. 12 years ago. He has some combo of hfASD/ADD) PDA, not diagnosed because he always refused to cooperate. I'll not pretend it's been easy, his brother has an official ASD diagnosis and has been a breeze in comparison.
I never found reward charts helpful as he couldn't cope with losing points or rewards.
Things I did find helpful,; lowering my expectations, when I read that kids with ASD have a social communication and emotional development age of two thirds their chronological age it made total sense.
I wish I'd learned how to detach and stay calm when he was little, I let things get heated too often.
He's still difficult, especially if tired and or stressed but we have good times too and the more control he has over his life the better he is.
I do wish I'd pushed harder for a DX when he was younger ( primary age) I was embarrassed to be seen as an anxious mother and kept hoping he would improve with age. He absolutely refused help at high school as he didn't want to be seen as a "retard" ( his charming words not mine).