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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DH vasectomy?

41 replies

Crunchydunkybiscuits · 30/05/2019 08:32

DH and I are in our late 30's and have a 2 year old and a newborn. We both agree that we do not want anymore children. My DH has offered to have a vasectomy, but I'm hesitant, as should (God forbid) anything happen to me or the children, it would prevent him starting another family in the future.

He quite rightly tells me not to think about such senario's, but I would want him to find happiness again if something like that happened.

Of course it is ultimately up to him what he does with his body and if he was having a vasectomy for his own piece of mind, I'd understand a bit better. His logic for having a vasectomy instead of me using contraception is that 'my body has been through enough now'.

I absolutely not being ungrateful, I'm just thinking (or overthinking) it all. It seems to be a huge thing he is doing for us. AIBU to throw doubts at him?

OP posts:
TurboTeddy · 30/05/2019 08:42

He sounds like a mature and responsible adult making a decision about his own reproductive health. He has the right to make this decision for his own reasons and I think you should respect that. I don't think you can live life to make allowances for every "what if" and it sounds like you are in agreement that your family is complete so it seems like a perfectly reasonable contraceptive solution.

SoHotADragonRetired · 30/05/2019 08:44

I think you're overthinking it and taking too much responsibility for someone else's decision. He's decided he's comfortable with the risk, he may even be sure that he wouldn't want more kids if he lost you and remarried. Respect his decision like the adult he is.

SoHotADragonRetired · 30/05/2019 08:46

And it's, I'm sorry, a little silly and self-sacrificing to be trying to protect your husband and think you know better than him what would help him in the case of your own death! I know as women the programming to put your own needs last and everyone else's first runs deep, but try to fight it, won't you?

TheBrockmans · 30/05/2019 08:53

He is in his late 30s, even if you and the children died soon (unlikely), he might not want to remarry immediately and might not want to have more children in his mid 40s. Are you wanting to keep your options open? A vasectomy is fairly final and with a newborn emotions can be all over the place. If you are that concerned then maybe look into sperm freezing.

scaevola · 30/05/2019 08:57

It is his body and his choice.

But yes, the permanent removal of fertility is a biggie, for you as well. If this is causing you more than transient wistfulness, and you realise that you might want more DC, then tell him that.

But if he decides to go ahead anyhow, then you will need to find a way to come to terms with it

Rezie · 30/05/2019 09:02

It's his reproductive right. Not everyone wants more children if they find a new spouse.

Fatasfooook · 30/05/2019 09:05

If you are going to let what if’s dictate your future then what about the most likely what if, that you get pregnant again. That is the most likely scenario. If you are fine with baby number three then you aren’t ready for his vasectomy.
If something happens to you, he is still a father to two, that doesn’t change.

Darkstar4855 · 30/05/2019 09:08

It’s great to see a man taking responsibility for contraception and at the end of the day it’s his body and his decision to make.

Personally I get on very well with the coil and would have one even if my partner had a vasectomy as I like not having periods. However I have told my partner that if I did conceive I would not have a termination so if he really wants to be sure we won’t have another child he is welcome to get a vasectomy.

Outofinspiration · 30/05/2019 09:10

God, I wish my DH was a bit more like yours, mine has said he will do it but keeps putting it off. Im the one saying 'I've been through enough, the ball (pardon the pun) is in your court now' and it's condoms or abstinence for us at the moment.

Outofinspiration · 30/05/2019 09:11

Unless this is a reverse.

My friends husband (who is in his mid forties) won't get one 'just in case' something happens and he is required to sow his seed elsewhere...

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/05/2019 09:12

I would feel exactly the same as you in this situation. It’s a huge thing for someone to do and I would be uncomfortable with it for the same reasons as you.

LoafofSellotape · 30/05/2019 09:14

I think you're overthinking it and taking too much responsibility for someone else's decision

I agree.

Shutupanddance1 · 30/05/2019 09:14

I dunno - I’m early 30s and my husband had one in January - we have 2 kids and I don’t want to be pregnant again. He doesn’t want any more kids either.

Depending on the way they do the surgery, it can be reversed but I’m not sure on the success rates.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 30/05/2019 09:17

When my dcs were born a man could not have a vasectomy until the youngest was 2 years old.
I think this was to allow for possibility of cot death and changing of mind of either parent.
Also if mother wanted sterilisation her husband had to sign consent form!

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 30/05/2019 09:19

I wish my dh was like yours. He went for an initial appointment about a vasectomy four years ago and still hasn't had it done.

Sindragosan · 30/05/2019 09:19

Very sensible, but certainly in our area you can't book a vasectomy until your youngest is 6 months, to stop rash decisions while sleep deprived. Don't know if the same rules apply if you go private, but you've a while to think about it.

Babdoc · 30/05/2019 09:20

Your DH is fine with the decision, it’s you who is not.
I think you need to analyse more deeply the real reason why not.
It seems unlikely that you are seriously concerned that a hypothetical future DH in his 40’s, 50’s or 60’s might want more DC.
So perhaps you are projecting your own ambivalence onto him?
Could it be that you are not quite certain that you have finished having DC? Do you worry subconsciously that you would find a sterile DH less masculine or fanciable? Are you worried about surgical complications from the procedure?
You and DH need to have some in depth talks about your feelings re vasectomy, and why you are so reluctant. If you can’t get beyond this, then you need to choose a different method of contraception.

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2019 09:21

Unless I happened to be terminally ill, I make no allowances at all for the what if my husband had moved on to someone else case in our decision making. He’s your partner, neither of you want more kids, it’s the mature thing to do.

LoafofSellotape · 30/05/2019 09:25

When my dcs were born a man could not have a vasectomy until the youngest was 2 years old

I remember this but fortunately our GP was fantastic and said it wasn't up to him to question people's decisions and he was just pleased people were being responsible. Dh had his when Ds was a year iirc.(only child ,I had been very ill and important not to get pregnant again)

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 30/05/2019 09:25

Vasectomies are reversible if the worst was to happen...

OwlinaTree · 30/05/2019 09:27

I know what you mean OP. We don't want any more children, and DH has talked a little about having the snip. I'm also not sure. What if we change our minds? What if something happened to me and the kids and he met someone new? What if something happened to one of the kids? The thoughts may seem daft to some, but they are not to me.

I've gone for the copper coil as it lasts 10 years. By then we will really be too old for more children, so the plan is for him to have the snip then.

ThePants999 · 30/05/2019 09:28

I was going to have one, until we realised that if we lost one of the kids we'd want another. Gonna wait a few years.

LoafofSellotape · 30/05/2019 09:30

Reversal chances of falling pregnant are slim iirc.

Missingstreetlife · 30/05/2019 09:35

Can't you freeze sperm, is it expensive?

Reastie · 30/05/2019 09:41

Just to make you aware, if cost is an issue, where I live they will no longer do it on the nhs and you have to pay privately to have it done. Might not be an issue for you but to make you aware as I had no idea.

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