AIBU about DH vasectomy?

[Crunchydunkybiscuits]

DH and I are in our late 30's and have a 2 year old and a newborn. We both agree that we do not want anymore children. My DH has offered to have a vasectomy, but I'm hesitant, as should (God forbid) anything happen to me or the children, it would prevent him starting another family in the future.

He quite rightly tells me not to think about such senario's, but I would want him to find happiness again if something like that happened.

Of course it is ultimately up to him what he does with his body and if he was having a vasectomy for his own piece of mind, I'd understand a bit better. His logic for having a vasectomy instead of me using contraception is that 'my body has been through enough now'.

I absolutely not being ungrateful, I'm just thinking (or overthinking) it all. It seems to be a huge thing he is doing for us. AIBU to throw doubts at him?

Vasectomies are reversible if the worst was to happen.

You really shouldn’t be thinking this in any decision you make. The reversal success rate is not good.

My dh did the same at 27. We discussed the ins and outs and the Dr did the same.. (I'm fairly sure my dh would run screaming from further marriage and children if the worst was to happen to me)!!

I wish hubby would have had 1 .. All our kids were born via c-sections and he refused to have A V so I had to be ‘fixed’ I cannot forgive him .. unfair I know .. but I have suffered endlessly with my health since

I'm sure he can weigh up those scenarios himself. Even if the worst was to happen in the near future he'd be a single dad of two young kids who would have just lost their mother. The last thing he'd probably be thinking about doing is instantly hooking up with a new woman and starting a family and if we were talking significantly further down the line he may well feel his baby days are behind him.

I'd drive him down there and buy him an ice pack.

this was exactly dh's reasoning! Fine by me, I think you are overly concerned in the "what if's" here for some bizarre cool wife reason

You both appear to have had sufficient children for your liking so something needs to be done and good on him for taking a solution on.

I'm trying to imagine this scenario gender-flipped, where a DH is concerned that his DW is being too self-sacrificing by getting sterilised after he's borne all the contraceptive burden until now, and being completely unable to.

If you really aren't sure that YOU are done with babies OP, that's one thing, but if you are, let him have the vasectomy.

When you say "If something happened to me," I presume you mean death? If you died, he would go from being a married father living full-time with his kids to a single father living full-time with his kids. Obviously, they'd all be devastated if something did happen to you, but it wouldn't change the fact that he would still be a father with his kids to look after. Your unfortunate death would in no way take away his love and devotion for the children, as if they were somehow primarily 'your' kids and, without you there as the link, they wouldn't really mean much to him.

There are doubtless plenty of blokes out there who aren't particularly bothered about kids, but see them as something you have as part of a relationship 'to keep her happy' - so if ever you're in the situation where you're starting a new serious relationship, you'll need to be able to offer kids as part of the 'deal'. However, he most clearly isn't one of these men at all - he's the other parent to your joint children who loves them dearly, just as you do.

It's up to him

He would be asked about subsequent relationships when he goes for the request. My husbands reaction was 'I dont want more kids - with her or anyone else'

My DH has just had one, we’ve got two and one on the way... heaven forbid anything happened in this pregnancy I couldn’t put myself through it again.

It was his suggestion and his choice, for the same reason that I’ve been on the pill for years and it doesn’t do your body any good (ie I’ve had pre cancerous cells removed from cervix and the pill can contribute towards this).

He went to the docs about 10 weeks ago- quick conversation and got an appt through for last week. In and out within an hour, took 8mins in total. Didn’t cost as previous have mentioned

So you're worried about what happens in his personal life in the event of a terrible accident where he survives but you and both kids die? Don't go borrowing trouble from unlikely sources like that. Let him make his decision.

Thanks everyone. I am BU I can see. I definitely don't want any more children, I absolutely guarantee that. I've been overthinking it and your responses are grounding. I will support his choice happily.

My DH had his done today. We don't have children and won't be having them.
I was in the room with them and stood at his feet watching it. It's very simple to do, and very quick. Took about 15 minutes in our local surgery. If he changes his mind then the tubes are reconnected again.
DH done this for us, if your DH is willing then let him.

If something happened to both of your children but you both survived would you want more children?

Other scenarios, where you split up or something happens to you, those are choices he has to be happy with.

DH and I have been considering it. But then I started looking up potential risks (though unlikely) and I decided against it. He was ready to do it but I didn't want the risks of anything going wrong. At the moment we're using condoms and my plan is to look into natural contraception (properly, not the vague 'family planking' method) and combine that with condoms. I don't want the pill again and didn't like the coil...

I listened to a podcast about this recently. While reversal isn't always successful IVF is still an option, as he doesn’t lose his ability to make sperm, only the way to get it out. Apparently the dr goes in to extract the sperm (though I imagine there’s cost involved)