“Your Baby Is Using You Like A Dummy!”

[AiryFairyMum]

A mum friend said this to me when my baby was little, and it worried me at the time. Now she's telling it to our other friends with small babies. I want to step in and say "No, a dummy is an artificial nipple. A synthetic, plastic comforter and it's perfectly natural for a baby to look to its mum for comfort as well as nutrition."
I'm not saying 'Your baby is treating that dummy like your breast!' each time, but I still don't know how she'd take it.
Would IBU to try to contradict her to our friends?

I found it highly annoying for ppl to tell me my tiny baby was just 'using me for comfort '- I wanted to comfort my baby!! And a dummy is also comforting to a baby! Unless asked ppl should probably keep these opinions to themselves... You could gently suggest this to her ?! And step in to let friends with small babies know it's fine if it's working for them!

Awful isn't it! All these manipulative newborns getting us to sit there like inanimate objects for them to suckle on. Next they'll be getting us to wipe their arses and wash their clothes.

It's a weird thing to say, it's a natural normal instinct. A dummy is the fake thing...

DS1 kept up the night feeds until he was 1. It got worse after we started weaning and I was exhausted. I got a lot of "it's for comfort". It turned out thar he had multiple food allergies, so regular milk was probably soothing and comforting to his poor digestive system. With hindsight, I'm glad that I kept "comforting" my struggling baby.

DS2 was both hungry for milk and keen on comfort. He's a very confident, independent (but still cuddly) child.

We make a lot of the right noises about BFing, but one of the reasons why our rates of continuing longer term are poor is because we still have a FF culture that is heavily routine based and ignores the flexibility and variations of BFing behaviours and the wider benefits such as providing comfort.

Yeah I heard this too. As if the dummy came first and the breast was invented afterwards! Ignorant people.

I'm no expert , but my take on it is that your nipples are providing vital nutrition for your baby. They are also very sensitive and shouldn't be over suckled or they will become sore and therefore not fit for purpose. I had very sore nipples with my first and people did say this to me. I actually found it helpful to know when to take her off the breast.

SmarmyMrMime Hear Hear! That and "is the baby good?" which is also heavily based in a culture which promotes routines/sleeping alone etc. Just because I am choosing not to do those things doesn't mean my baby is 'bad'.

Agree 100% it's a FF culture and lip service for BF. There's so much confusion about how often baby feeds.. i keep getting told I shouldn't overfeed and baby will get fat !! 🤨 Ridiculous.

I do latch DS off when he isn't really swallowing just having a little suck as otherwise it kills my nipples but that's at the end of a good feed.

My daughter actually did use me as a "dummy" she would sort of worry at the nipple when she had finished feeding and it was sore. But that was when she was older. Your friend should butt out, none of her business.

Agree about FF culture. The very word “formula” conjures up a sense of awe. It’s cows milk.
The language is backwards and deliberately misleading “benefits of BFing” - wrong
“Risks of formula feeding” - correct
And if you criticise the culture and the product someone will come along and take offence and that will shut the discussion down.

Well you could just stick a dummy in your baby's mouth for an easy life. Except most babies do not need them and will be comforted in other ways. Disclaimer I work with addicted babies and also others who for what ever have a pronounced suck that need a dummy for comfort.

Glad to read the responses on this thread. DCs are 15+ now and were born during the peak "routine" fashion. I wondered with my PFB why he wasn't doing 2/3 hourly BF as per books etc & it caused me a lot of stress.

Fortunately I gave up on routine for DC2 and became adept at all household tasks with baby stuck on boob. Washing up/ cleaning wasn't done v well but there was a lot less crying/ miserableness as a result for both mother and child

How rude is she?

Laugh while you contradict her. It takes the edge off.

It drives me insane how many people shame me for BFing. Once a family member told me I “shouldn’t allow him to treat me like a hot water bottle” and I needed to help my then 4 week old “learn independence”

The audacity to shame me for providing for the emotional and physical needs of my infant

Now I’m in a rage!

My daughter used me for comfort. I let her. I wanted to keep in breastfeeding and she wouldn’t take a dummy but it also meant that if she cried she was easily settled by my me too. Point out the positives. It was super hard but not the end of the world and super cheap. Plus not all babies do.

It's a ridiculous thing to say.

Babies suck for sustenance and comfort; the act of sucking is comforting.

Babies have been doing this since the beginning of time, obviously. Your baby isn't using you like a dummy. Your baby is using you to nurture, sustain and comfort him/her, as they always have done, long before dummies came on the scene.

Ha ha - “being used” for comfort!
As if a baby can use you. They need comfort and you are wanting to help soothe them. I use my breast all the time for my baby- sometimes for food, sometimes to help him calm down in environments where it’s too hectic, for warmth if I sense he is cold or in need of a cuddle, to soothe him if he is agitated or in pain, to help lull him to sleep etc. ‘D find it very hard not to kindly explain why their comment hurt my feelings/annoyed me before and suggest they stop

Errrmmm... that’s what boobs are made for and your baby is acting instinctively!

I sometimes take my baby off and use a dummy. But if I can allow him to get comfort from me then that’s what I do. I’m his mother that’s my job.

I think BFing is almost become stigmatised and we have a FF culture emerging. The UK is so far behind here.

My second DS ‘used me like a dummy’ and it absolutely exhausted me, and caused huge amounts of pain.

Gave him a dummy, best thing I ever did! Allowed me to breathe slightly and let my nipples recover so I could carry on bf minus the excruciating pain.

Saw a meme on FB “If in doubt whip it out” that’s the mantra I follow and if my baby settles then I’m onto a winner!

I agree with the sentiment ‘I’m his mother, that’s my job’ But careful not to martyr yourself, it’s more important to be a functioning mother, rather than an exhausted pain riddled mess!

Comfort and providing milk is what nipples are for surely when it comes to babies

What used to wind me up was the oh well done at BFing thing like you’re a hero. Then after 6m it’s disgusting. They don’t “need it”-give em milk in a cup “just express!”. Yeah like it’s a tap.

Well adults don’t need a cup of tea, glass of wine or piece of chocolate but that doesn’t stop them yet they’d deny an 18m old the boob cos they don’t need it. Weird logic.

Yeah. Ido contradict people
Like that. With a laugh and then I follow it up with some kick ass links from Kelly mom or whatever useful bf website / blog / instagram account or whatever I could find.

Pink was my favourite a few year's ago. She didn't seemed to mind comforting her kid. Strong role model!!!

Go for it. New mums need support. Not idiots rolling our silly undermining phrases like that!

@raffle oh totally. Just think people are so quick to stigmatise normal behaviour. Like “needy newborns”