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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DP who prefers work to family life

37 replies

Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 18:51

DP and I have a four week old baby and an older child with SN. After the birth of DC2 he took two weeks paternity then returned to work as planned.

He works 10am-9pm 5 days per week and it's a minimum wage job (relevant later)

He called me on his break today and said he might do an extra shift on Saturday, for 4 hours (aka he's doing it)

Saturday was one of his scheduled days off. For 4 hours work he'd earn just under £30.

We aren't crying out for the extra £30 and I'm currently considerably poorly with a stonking viral infection and some other issues related to the birth. I've had to rope in my DM to help with the children as and when she can.

AIBU to be irritated that he would obviously rather be at work than at home with his partner who needs his support and his two children who he should want to spend time with.

I would understand if the money was considerably more or we desperately needed the £30, but we don't.

Am I being ridiculous because of hormones or is this a bit of an insult?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 18:54

To add, although it's just a 4 hour shift he'd be out of the house for at least 6 hours taking travelling there and back into consideration.

OP posts:
lovesawindyday · 29/05/2019 18:55

i'd be fuming!!

Chamomileteaplease · 29/05/2019 18:55

Doesn't sound like you are being ridiculous at all. Can you ask him not to do that shift?

Can you also talk to him calmly about how he is needed and wanted at home? Sounds like you do most of the bedtimes which can be exhausting.

HomeMadeMadness · 29/05/2019 18:58

I would be annoyed too, he should have at least discussed it with you. Was there any pressure maybe from his boss that this shift needed to be covered.

coffeeforone · 29/05/2019 19:00

I'd be absolutely furious. Was he under any pressure from work to do the shift?

Original poster
Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 19:24

No pressure at work from the boss. He just said he was offered the opportunity to work the extra shift. If there is ever over time going then the employees get offered the choice as and when.

I asked whether it was expected of him and he said no, I asked him to elaborate and he replied that he was able to accept or decline at will.

I have neither the energy or inclination to argue with him and feel as though if he would genuinely prefer to be at work than with us then he can do as he pleases and sod off.

I've had to bite my tongue for the moment as I'm feeling reactive and didn't want to have a heated discussion over the phone.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 29/05/2019 19:28

I think you are making some assumptions about his motives which aren't necessarily true. I would not have a row about this but I would try to have a conversation in which you explain that you think the best way he can contribute to the household at the moment is by being there to help as much as possible, not by taking overtime to earn extra cash. He may not realise how much you're struggling, or he may be more worried about money than you are. I wouldn't jump straight to 'he prefers being at work'.

Original poster
Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 19:29

I admit to being somewhat resentful that he gets to go to work every day and socialise whilst I'm stuck in the house unwell and looking after the children. I haven't told him this, though.

It pisses me off that he can check out of family life whenever he likes, that is what I've taken from his preferring to be at work than at home.

Its more enjoyable to be at work socialising with his colleagues and fucking about (it's a very relaxed atmosphere) than it is being at home with the boring poorly postpartum mum, newborn and child with additional needs.

Sorry. I'm ranting aren't I Sad

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Original poster
Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 19:32

Not to drip feed.. but during a discussion last week about the potential of him dropping some shifts eventually so I can go back to work sooner and we can save on childcare, he got the royal ump and spat out that he found being at home looking after the children "mind numbing"

I have this in mind when reaching the conclusion I have about where he'd rather be.

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StreetwiseHercules · 29/05/2019 19:35

This doesn’t sound like a ideal choice by your husband but at the same time I don’t understand why so many women enter into partnerships with men and have families. The slightest foot “out of line” or failure to read the mind of the wife provokes anger.

“I’d be fuming!”
“I’d be absolutely furious!”

Etc etc. Don’t people ever get tired of drama and assuming the worst of others? Why can’t you just give him the benefit of the doubt and GS e a calm conversation about it instead of giving in to anger and seething resentment?

If you make a decision or try to do something which isn’t absolutely ideal for him, is fury an appropriate response from him? Of course not.

Calm down.

coffeeforone · 29/05/2019 19:36

He probably does prefer being at work as it's so much easier. Is there any way you could get some time to yourself, maybe on Sunday when he is off so you can have a break. He needs to see for himself how hard it is with a newborn in the mix too, then he might realise

Alsohuman · 29/05/2019 19:38

You’re probably better off with your mum supporting you than a disengaged partner.

Original poster
Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 19:39

I was calm when I spoke to him, I've refrained from saying to him what I've said here. I bit my tongue and vented here rather than toward him as I don't want to provoke an argument. I plan to have a discussion when he gets home about how it's not convenient for me and that I'm disappointed he told his boss he'd do it when me and the children need him here.

I sound like a furious old boot here but I promise I'm not. I'm just internally pissed off and a bit sad to be honest.

Hormones may be playing a part in all of this, idk.

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Corneliawildthing · 29/05/2019 19:44

That used to happen to us. My H continually took work abroad with him, got phone calls to the hotel (pre mobile days) and even got paperwork sent to a holiday cottage. My DD aged about 8 at the time asked him if he'd rather be at work or on holiday with them and he said he'd rather be at work as holidays were a waste of time as far as he was concerned.

20 years later she still hasn't forgotten that comment Sad

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2019 19:44

Why does he have to drop shifts so you can return from maternity leave earlier? Unless he took up extra to cover the reduced salary whilst you were on maternity it's a very unreasonable request.

With two children and a wife on maternity leave most partners would take the opportunity of earning some extra money I would imagine.

Original poster
Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 19:45

Unfortunately I'm nowhere near well enough to take Sunday for myself and get out and have a break, I'm stuck in the house for the most part and will be for a good few weeks yet. The furthest I can manage is the corner shop and that's hard enough Sad

I'm not being a wimp by the way I've been left with some relatively debilitating problems from the birth.

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Original poster
Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 19:47

I suggested he reduce his hours when I go back to work so we could save on what would cost a fortune in childcare fees.

He doesn't have to of course, it was merely a suggestion on my part but I mentioned it here as his response was relevant to my thread.

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Preggosaurus9 · 29/05/2019 19:48

You need to spell it out to him that 1. You need him to help and 2. How you need him to help. Concrete tasks he can complete.

He is not a mind reader and he is not the expert in childcare, you are. Talk to him like you would an employee who needs some training to become more effective in his role.

KeplerExoplanets · 29/05/2019 19:48

Yanbu op. I'd be pissed off too. Hope you recover soon Flowers

Witsendagain · 29/05/2019 19:57

I would be (and was) annoyed BUT when I really talked to my dh I realised that he thought the work was essential as that was his way of providing for his new baby. Might just be worth having a discussion with him re work/life expectations?

Nousernameforme · 29/05/2019 19:58

Why is the op more qualified at childcare as a mother than him as a father?

I would just sit him down and say look in sorry we bore the arse off you but you need to help out here a bit more until I get myself back on track.

Then tbh he is never going to change so you need to decide what works for you going forwards.

Original poster
Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 20:06

I'm going to talk to him tonight.

I just can't fathom preferring the company of acquaintances at work over my child and newborn if I were given the option, especially if I already had so little time with them as it were.

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Preggosaurus9 · 29/05/2019 20:12

@Nousernameforme Nothing to do with gender roles, purely based on the number of hours spent doing child care / parenting.

OP says He works 10am-9pm 5 days per week

And from the sounds of it fucks off at the weekend too.

Work is a piece of piss compared to childcare. The mindnumbing aspect is part of that!

DreamsOfDownUnder · 29/05/2019 20:50

It's threads like this that make me glad I'm a single parent.

Original poster
Jessy111 · 29/05/2019 21:25

I can see why that is Dreams (why you'd be glad that is)

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