To be annoyed with DP who prefers work to family life

[Jessy111]

DP and I have a four week old baby and an older child with SN. After the birth of DC2 he took two weeks paternity then returned to work as planned.

He works 10am-9pm 5 days per week and it's a minimum wage job (relevant later)

He called me on his break today and said he might do an extra shift on Saturday, for 4 hours (aka he's doing it)

Saturday was one of his scheduled days off. For 4 hours work he'd earn just under £30.

We aren't crying out for the extra £30 and I'm currently considerably poorly with a stonking viral infection and some other issues related to the birth. I've had to rope in my DM to help with the children as and when she can.

AIBU to be irritated that he would obviously rather be at work than at home with his partner who needs his support and his two children who he should want to spend time with.

I would understand if the money was considerably more or we desperately needed the £30, but we don't.

Am I being ridiculous because of hormones or is this a bit of an insult?

I agree work is so easy in comparison, and i say that as somebody who when at work spends the entire time on my feet.

I just had to quit my job 6 weeeks ago and i can no longer go to college in september because my OH wanted to accept a contract at work which meant working away most of the week.

After only 6 weeks i am absolutely depressef beyond belief and having fantasies about leaving him.

If its so mind numbing for him how does he think you feel.

Id be straight though. Its not your job just vecause youre not the arse

I'm sorry to hear that fake, that is utterly shit

That's precisely what I said to mine when he made the remark about childcare being mind numbing "How do you think I feel then, I live that 24-7"

The newborn months go by so quickly, I was hoping he would actually look forward to the time he gets to spend with us on his days off as i do, but I think he finds us all a bit boring

Was he like this when DC1 was born?

He’s not going to change, I wouldn’t force him either. Hopefully he’ll be better at spending time with the kids when they’re older. Did you discuss this before you had children?

OP being told to ‘calm down’ and ‘give DH the benefit of the doubt, he’s not psychic’ is giving me the rage.

How could DH be expected to do his fair share of family time?
How could DH figure out on his own that helping an incapacitated partner would be the ‘teamwork’ response?
How could DH put his preferences aside, and have some sympathy or empathy for his own wife, high needs kid and newborn?

Because ADULTING.

His comments to OP do not suggest he’s a bit naive, or hard of thinking. He’s happy he’s got OP stuck at home with no help and no life, because it allows him to come and go as he pleases. He’s consciously traded OP’s life for his own. That makes him a prize twat, not a figure of sympathy.

I had an unsympathetic DH who was fairly useless in helping me or the household after my significant birth trauma. His heart was in the right place, but incapable. It’s still causing huge problems in our marriage nearly a decade later. Your DH is doing it by choice, he doesn’t realise how damaging this will be down the track. Get a counsellor to explain it to him now. Use that £30 he’s earning this week. Trust me, it’s an important investment. He needs to hear himself say ‘family life and caring for my loved ones bores me’ to an outsider, and see their reaction.

I think you are making some assumptions about his motives which aren't necessarily true. I would not have a row about this but I would try to have a conversation in which you explain that you think the best way he can contribute to the household at the moment is by being there to help as much as possible, not by taking overtime to earn extra cash. He may not realise how much you're struggling, or he may be more worried about money than you are. I wouldn't jump straight to 'he prefers being at work'.

This ^
Particularly if you are breastfeeding, I think it is a fairly common way of thinking that the best thing they can do is to try to bring some more money in.
What I don't get is the "I haven't told him this" type comments. Why not communicate this to him ? What are you raging at him, when you haven't told him what would be the most helpful thing for you right now ? Why do you expect him to be a mind reader?

Oh come on, there's loads to do even for a BF newborn and there's another child that could do with his dad's attention, not to mention dealing with the house and supporting the OP who sounds like she's had a traumatic birth.

Get him told. You are a family and you can’t do this on your own. He has a role to play as well and that doesn’t just come in the form of working.

You have every right to be pissed at him, but the sooner you get it all off your chest the quicker you will know where you stand.

bridgetreilly "You are making assumptions about motives"-isn't that rich to tell that to a woman posting about her spouse?!!! Do you know her husband better than she does?

I'm not breastfeeding (not that I didn't try)

I spoke with him and he's agreed to opt out of the extra shift. I told him how I felt about it and he accepted that he was needed at home, whether he's happy about that or not remains to be seen but is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things as we need him here.