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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is implying that my ds is more stupid than her ds

33 replies

Sterny · 21/07/2007 16:45

This is incredibly trivial but has been bugging me.

I have a friend whose ds was born at full term 5 days after my ds. My ds was 6 weeks premature though so was a fair bit smaller than her son.

Her son seems to have done everything before my ds and everytime he does something she texts me or rings me and goes on and on about it. When both our babies had their 8 month check with the hv she made a point of saying that the hv told her that her ds was 'extremely advanced and intelligent' and looked at me pityingly when I reported that the hv had just told me that my ds was doing fine. It seems like anything my ds does, hers does better and I end up feeling like my ds is somehow less intelligent than hers as a result.

Am I being oversensitive about her comments. Feel free to tell me to stop being so silly

OP posts:
PotterCandles · 21/07/2007 16:48

I think she's just being a silly competitive mum.

rey · 21/07/2007 16:48

No not being silly.

BUT 8 month check! No you will get used to this. Just smile sweetly and change the subject you will have to do this for the next 30 years at least. You will also have to get used to stupid comments from HVs.

Malfoynomore · 21/07/2007 16:49

she sounds like a competitive mum and not much of a friend, tbh.
Remember with a prem Baby the devellopement can't be seen quite as balck and white.
Try not to compare your child with others, just be proud for the things he does achieve...they all go at different paces....don't make them a better person, does it!

cba · 21/07/2007 16:50

I think she is being a little insensitive. Bide your time, any difference will even out by the time they are two. Then your ds will be way more advanced because of all the nuture and love you shower on him.

From experience she will have fall from a great height one day if she dosent stop bragging.

WigWamBam · 21/07/2007 16:51

Your friend sounds rather insensitive.

You can't measure the intelligence of an eight month old. You can tick off all the milestones you like, but none of them are about intelligence, just development.

It wouldn't be unusual for a premature baby to hit some milestones after a baby who was born at term, but by the time they are two he will have caught up.

CarGirl · 21/07/2007 16:52

She is def being commpetitive, if you can pull it off next time laugh at her and say something like "stop being so competitive, if you're like this now what are you going to be like when they're at school!"

Hopefully will embarrass her!

growingbagpuss · 21/07/2007 16:53

you might be being a little over sensitive - but then it sounds like your "friend" is being a bit silly too.

All babies reach milestones at different times, and she is clearly very insecure if she has to flaunt every time someone says something gushingly positive.

Try not to react, and just say, "thats nice" if she comes up with something, don't even offer to tell her if your DS is doing it or not.

Initial milestone are simpkly that, a ticklist when a child reaches them is really neither here n'or there - your little one has had a sightly rough start in life - but he's doing everything he should be yes? In which case, reassure yourself that he's actually doing it 1.5 months EARLY.

If she texts, read and delte, don't respond. If she rings and starts crowing, tell her your busy spending time with your DS and havne't really got time today.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

coddy · 21/07/2007 16:54

just say
yes my kdi is a dullard

Original poster
Sterny · 21/07/2007 16:59

Thanks all. You're right, she's not much of a friend. Thinking back, she even insensitively texted me when our sons were a few days old to say how tired she was and that I was lucky that I was able to get a full nights' sleep as ds was in intensive care.

Growingbagpuss - ds is absolutely fine and doing everything he should as far as I am aware!

OP posts:
Malfoynomore · 21/07/2007 17:00

omg sterny.....that is awful...

EscapeFrom · 21/07/2007 17:02

You will have the last laugh when, stifled by the pressure, her son runs away from home at the age of seventeent to move in with Roger, a very sweaty and earnest accountant who had a mid life crisis, left his wife Barbera and spent the contents of his savings account on this seventeen year old boy's new Ferrari.

You will have the last laugh because Barbera, not the dullest tool in the box, twigged this affair weeks ago, qand has been going at it hammer and tongues with Shaun, her Pilates instructor's son, fresh back from a stint in the Navy, and riddled with crabs, which he passed to Barbera, who passed them to Roger, who has passed them to your friend's son.

feel better?

Miaou · 21/07/2007 17:03

There was a thread recently where someone was asking if children identified as gifted and talented at school showed early promise (ie sitting, walking, talking early). The vast majority (including myself) said no - their children developed at either a normal or slightly slower rate!

She is being insensitive and competitive about something that doesn't matter. Fine to be proud of your child's achievements. Not fine to compare with another child.

fortyplus · 21/07/2007 17:04

She's totally insensitive imo. Your ds is bound to take a while to catch up, but by the time he's at school no one will be able to tell that he was premature. There are often big differences in development at your son's age - it doesn't make one jot of difference in the end.

My ds1 was talking in sentences at 18 months, which as you may know is exceptional, but he's pretty average academically. My friend's child the same age who said very little till age 3 is a total genius - had his own education plan at age 5 because he had to do maths with the year 6 class and was reading Harry Potter better than they were!

You will have the last laugh - almost certainly!

tuppy · 21/07/2007 20:22

She obviously hasn't enough going on in her life if she's texting you about her ds's milestones. Sad really. I'd ignore her.

Stroo · 21/07/2007 22:17

How about a BIL who said his DD was better than your DS and Har Hardee Har Har bacuse her AGPAR score was 8 or 9 compared to my DS who was 2 and born blue and had to be resuscitated. 6 years on and still not forgiven him.

Don't go there with competitive parenting!

sazzybee · 21/07/2007 22:37

Stroo - that is utterly obnoxious.

I find competitive parents vile. By saying their child is better than yours because they walked earlier/speak better/have a higher APGAR they are implying that they are a better parent. If it's purely down to nature, not much point in boasting about it, right?

Ergo by extension they imply that parents of kids with SN of any description are lacking as parents.

Grim and to me smacks of vile master race stuff.

I'm probably being a bit OTT but it really winds me up.

Stroo · 21/07/2007 22:56

Right with you there Sazzybee

doyouwantfrieswiththat · 21/07/2007 22:58

lordy, your friend sounds very insecure.

enjoy your ds, he's a fighter.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 21/07/2007 23:02

competitive parenting.....

very, very sad imo.

startouchedtrinity · 21/07/2007 23:05

Poor woman, how sad for her that she feels the need to behave like this. People can be very silly.

mm22bys · 21/07/2007 23:27

You are being oversensitve, your DS is doing fine! The sad ones are the parents of your DS's friends who are so insecure they need to "show off" in front of other people!

They need to get a life, and realise that just because so and so does something a little earlier or later, there is nothing great, or wrong, with either baby.

There is such a wide range of "normal"!

Your DS is doing fine, and the U ones, are your "friends".

growingbagpuss · 22/07/2007 09:41

Stroo -That's awful!! I can't believe ANYONE would be soooo stupid as to compare APGAR scores.....OMG this world just gets crazier!!

NineUnlikelyTales · 22/07/2007 09:50

Hi Sterny

I have a friend like this too. She is a lovely person in many ways but a bit of a PITA where the development of her DD is concerned. DH and I often have a chuckle about how her DD is probably eating vindaloo and playing the bagpipes by now (10m).

I doubt very much if the HV said those exact words..it was probably something a lot more vague and normal, such as 'He's doing well and he seems bright and alert'.

She is probably underconfident about herself and her DS and worries about every little thing being 'on time' or early. I know my friend is worried and embarrassed about her DD lack of teeth and hair. I think some of the boasting that goes on is to cover up anxiety.

So YANBU but try to take a pitying view of her if you can.

Take care!

blueshoes · 22/07/2007 09:55

so right, sazzy.

I firmly believe he who laughs last, laughs loudest. My dh and my experience is that growing up, many of the children who were supposedly precocious did not realise their early promise, and others (dh and I included), who were normal or slow in development, including in areas of speech, started to catch up and sprint ahead in later childhood. The brain, if it is to become very complex, can sometimes need a long incubation period to develop.

I compare with other animals like, erm, cows and horses. Their young are born being able to walk and are mobile very quickly. But so what? Their brains are a fraction of a human beings'. Hitting milestones early is no indication.

I believe the area that parents have most in the nature/nurture spectrum is in emotional stability - a key factor in happiness and success in later life.

So sterny, your being laid back about your ds is really good for him. Her poor ds (bless him) will have the baggage of her neurosis to contend with.

blueshoes · 22/07/2007 09:58

most influence

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