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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

settle a "discussion" between DH and I please...

44 replies

BlingLoving · 29/05/2019 14:54

DH needs to send his passport to home office for finalisation of settled status. I was heading into town to do some work so said I'd post it for him.

He insisted that I had to do it first, before anything else, to reduce chances of me losing the passport. He also got all snippy with me when i didn't immediately zip up my handbag (that goes under my arm) when leaving the house.

I do not have form for losing items of this sort (unlike him...!). I felt he was being ridiculous and not trusting me. He felt he was just being cautious. I see his point. But was still irritated! Who is unreasonable?

OP posts:

freshstartnewme · 29/05/2019 14:56

What exactly are you asking us to settle?

Original poster

BlingLoving · 29/05/2019 14:57

Was he being unreasonable to insist I go to post office on arrival in town and try to tell me how to carry my bag. Or was I being unreasonable for not totally agreeing that this was the "safest" option to ensure his passport doesn't get lost.

OP posts:

freshstartnewme · 29/05/2019 15:01

Seriously?

krustykittens · 29/05/2019 15:03

He's just petrified of losing his passport! I hate having to take mine out of the safe we have in our house and I HATE having to send it away for anything. A lost passport opens up a minefield of bureaucracy.

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 29/05/2019 15:04

Life is too short for you to spend even a single second more thinking about this incredibly inconsequential discussion. Give the headspace to something you’ll enjoy more, like thinking of amusing puns about native British birds or imagining Channing Tatum dancing to Pony in his pants.

Pipandmum · 29/05/2019 15:04

Are you two adults? This seems like a ridiculous argument. However, when we travelled my husband was in charge of passports. He travelled a lot and was very responsible. I am a nervous traveller and check I have everything about five times. So setting off I asked him if he had the passports. He gave me a look. I said please check you have them all. He got very annoyed, saying I should trust him and took them all out. Sure enough he had two of his own (he needed two because of the countries he visited) and not our sons! Validation! Though there was the one trip I forgot the keys of where we were going...

elasticfantastic · 29/05/2019 15:05

YABU for even having the energy to write this OP or be irritated by it! He just didn't want it being lost.

PawPawNoodle · 29/05/2019 15:06

I dont think either of you are particularly unreasonable. I imagine he is very anxious and excited to finalise his settled status, and is fearful of anything stopping that from happening.

Equally you are not unreasonable to not want to be told what to do or made to feel incompetent.

If it were me I'd do the post office first as I would want to get that responsibility over with so I can enjoy myself.

YABU not to zip your bag up though regardless of what's in it!

PurpleDaisies · 29/05/2019 15:06

He’s being ridiculous. I’d have given it back to him to sort out himself.

BlackeyedGruesome · 29/05/2019 15:07

I am with your husband on this. The consequences of losing it are to him huge. There is the whole emotional stress of getting settled status etc thrown in.

Does not mean he thinks you will lose it, just that he is stressed about it and catastophising...

EskewedBeef · 29/05/2019 15:08

He sounds like me when I trust someone to do something very important for me. You could have just said 'Of course, it's my number one priority today,' and carried on with whatever you'd planned to do.

BlackeyedGruesome · 29/05/2019 15:09

It is nothing to do with your competency at all. Cut him some slack. If he is like this with everything that is different.

CarolsBiggestFan · 29/05/2019 15:13

I guess having his passport go missing now, would be a much bigger deal and cause a lot more issues for him, than it would to your average person.

YABU and should have humoured him.

hunibuni · 29/05/2019 15:14

Totally understand The Fear of a passport going misssing when so far into the whole process because any hold up is just another headache.

I remember the cold sweat when immigration "lost" my passport. I had sent it signed delivery and they claimed they didn't have it. That would have meant reporting and reapplying for a passport at my country's embassy then restarting the whole process, not to mention the "lost" passport had the necessary visa stamp and I only had a photocopy of the page. Had to get MP involved before they found it.

HappydaysArehere · 29/05/2019 15:17

I am with your husband. If I was him I would be saying the same to you. Of course you should go straight to the post office and of course not zipping up your bag, despite it being under your arm, hardly convinces your dh that you are the most reliable carrier of something so important. Try understanding him.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 29/05/2019 15:22

I would be handing over 'crucial' stuff like shopping etc that would mean you were responsible for a bank card. Far too great a risk you lose it...
He is a plank.

ginghamtablecloths · 29/05/2019 15:24

If the passport got lost, fell out of your bag or whatever it would open up an even worse can of worms. Admittedly how you carry your bag is up to you but for extra security it's best to fasten it up properly. You can't really blame him for worrying.

BarbaraofSevillle · 29/05/2019 15:25

He's being a bit ridiculous. When you travel and use your passport it is being carried around with you for far longer than it is during a single trip into town, so if it is going to get lost at any point, it will be then, and the consquences of loss under those circumstances are far worse, seeing as you actually need your passport 'right now'.

Assuming that you aren't a perpetual handbag loser and that 'town' isn't the Bronx, then I'd just post it as it fitted into my plans for the day, and I wouldn't be crossing town and retracing my steps just so I could go to the Post Office first, if that's what was required.

PurpleDaisies · 29/05/2019 15:26

Of course you should go straight to the post office and of course not zipping up your bag, despite it being under your arm, hardly convinces your dh that you are the most reliable carrier of something so important

Why should she go straight to the post office or zip her bag up? She has never lost anything before. If he cares so much he should do it himself

lottiegarbanzo · 29/05/2019 15:28

Just do it - with all due care and attention, or tell him to do it himself.

He's being a bit silly, in that he either trusts you with it or he doesn't and, if not, needs to do it himself.

It IS special, important and extraordinary! (Is there a psychological undertone, about you not being exalted enough about his settling here with you? Any anxiousness form him on that count?)

MyKingdomForACaramel · 29/05/2019 15:28

Sorry am with your husband. I’ve recently had to apply for just an ordinary passport but on the short notice interview thing and it was so incredibly stressful. You do catastrophise a bit I’m afraid.

PurpleDaisies · 29/05/2019 15:30

It IS special, important and extraordinary!

Is it? I’ve often got my passport in my bag for ID. I’ve never thought to take extra special care because I don’t routinely lose things, being a competent adult and all that.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/05/2019 15:33

Gaining final confirmation of his settled status in the UK IS special, important and extraordinary! yes!

It's not 'just a passport'. It's his contnuing right to live in this country.

BarbaraofSevillle · 29/05/2019 15:37

But if the physical passport becomes lost, they'll replace it, they won't kick him out of the country.

If he really was that bothered about the physical safety of the document, he would be hand delivering it to the Home Office, rather than trusting the post office with it.

Mrsmadevans · 29/05/2019 15:38

YABU sorry OP

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