settle a "discussion" between DH and I please...

[BlingLoving]

DH needs to send his passport to home office for finalisation of settled status. I was heading into town to do some work so said I'd post it for him.

He insisted that I had to do it first, before anything else, to reduce chances of me losing the passport. He also got all snippy with me when i didn't immediately zip up my handbag (that goes under my arm) when leaving the house.

I do not have form for losing items of this sort (unlike him...!). I felt he was being ridiculous and not trusting me. He felt he was just being cautious. I see his point. But was still irritated! Who is unreasonable?

The Home Office, however, do have form for losing things like this.

His anxiety is completely understandable. At least asking you to do it first and zip your bag up is something he has control over - he'll be terrified that it gets pickpocketed, your bag snatched or accidentally left on the shopping trolley not that I did that on the first day I needed one as ID, no, siree - add into that the good possibility that IND will announce in months that they never received it and here's your deportation notice/you cannot work/get medical treatment and he's completely reasonable in being slightly unreasonable towards you.

I grope you did deal with it first. Deep breaths if he stresses out over such things again. That's what Brexit is doing to non native Brits. They're fucking terrified.

My OH gets a bit like this, I just Of course I'll do it your way, then do as I wish. It really isn't worth getting so worked up about.

I do understand his anxiety but he should have done it himself if he wanted full control. I have no time for people who ask you to do something and then want to tell you step by step how to do it.

I'd have given him back the passport and told him to sort it himself.

"He insisted that I had to do it first, before anything else, to reduce chances of me losing the passport."

Since you say he has form for losing stuff and you don't, I think this is called 'projection', where people accuse you of doing what they'd do.

Here's a cut & paste to explain it better than I can:

"What is Psychological Projection (In Layman’s Terms)?

What happens when you have a whole bunch of uncomfortable, embarrassing and annoying emotions that you don’t want to unconsciously deal with? According to famous psychologist Sigmund Freud these emotions are projected on to other people, so that other people become carriers of our own perceived flaws. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for us, this form of emotional displacement makes it much easier to live with ourselves … because everyone else is responsible for our misery – not us!

As a result of externalizing our emotions and perceiving them in others, we continue suffering terribly, often creating false self-images that portray us as “the victim” or “the good/righteous person” when the reality is that we aren’t.

Clear as mud, eh?

Basically, he knows he'd lose it, so gets anxious that you will. An unfounded fear.

Personally, I'd have rolled my eyes and told him to take it himself.

If someone trusts you to post their passport, they need to trust you to do it when it is convenient to you.

YABU I'm sorry.
Your poor DH is likely very anxious about this. Do it first and then send him a photo from the post office - send recorded delivery!!

I'm all for unreasonable petty squabbles but this is really jumping the shark.

He was over the top and should have trusted him. If he was that worried, he could also have taken the passport to the post office himself.
You could also have let that one go. Having gone through the process for the Settled Status , it is EXTREMELY stressful. I suspect your DH might well have been stressed for months over his situation here in the U.K.,like a lot of other EU citizens. So I would be inclined to let that one go.

Going through settled status process is very stressful, losing a passport can delay this by twelve months. Definitely worth zipping up a bag and dropping it off straight away:

It was petty, hence my "Discussion" in my thread title. It's certainly not a major event. And while I thought he was being silly, I DID zip up my bag and I DID go to the post office before doing anything else because I DO appreciate that he is stressed about this in light of the ongoing saga of Brexit and his ability to remain the country. (Plus the fact that his home country requires pretty much 8 months, the blood of three virgins and a promise to give up your first born for a sacred marriage to get a new passport....)

But it looks like who IBU is split more or less evenly so I guess neither of us can claim the other was being silly! .

And to be clear, we didn't have a huge fight or anything. It was a mild disagreement. Some sarcasm may have been tossed around (me), some passive aggressive commentary (him) and then we both got on with our day and have subsequently been in touch and chatting entirely as normal. With kisses on our text messages and everything....

You are unreasonable for not respecting just how nerve-wracking handing off your passport can be. If you didn’t want to handle it with the attention it deserved, you should not have offered to bring it to the post office.

Why didn’t he post it himself if he is so worried about it?

Erm I think mine would have reminded me my bag was open, and if he has form for loosing things he's probably wanting you to be cautious.
Why does one of you need to be unreasonable?

I sympathise with how you feel as my DH is always accusing me of not taking enough care of things when actually I have far fewer mishaps than he does and I feel I'm being perfectly careful. But in this case I agree with your DH. Replacing a passport, especially when you aren't in your home country, is a nightmare. Much harder than just renewing an old one. And genuine passports have a high value on the black market - it is far more valuable to a thief than your wallet.

I am speaking from bitter experience, having had my passport pickpocketed out of an open bag on the tube from Heathrow to London the day I moved to the UK (yes, I was very naive!). To get a replacement, my mother had to take my original birth certificate to the passport office in my home country, among other things!

I think ywb a little u in light of his stress but I think it says very nice things about you that you did as he asked.
I remember sending my passport to the Home Office for my I DLR application and it was incredibly stressful. For a pp, I v was so worried about it that I did try to hand deliver it and the Home Office wouldn't let me. They told me I had to post it.

I think he was just nervous about it and was asking you to be extra careful for that reason not because you're an idiot whose likely to loose it.

If my DP gave me his apssport, I would run to the PO first thing anyway, I would not even dream to hang around until later to do it, and I would expect him to do the same really. Dont know anyone who would like to hang around with an important document unnecessarily.

Sorry, but if he's that worried about it, he should have taken it himself.