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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have sent this email?

46 replies

SkiddySkidz · 29/05/2019 08:54

I recently had a breakdown and got signed off work for several months. Work was a major contributor in my mental state, but it kind of pushed me over the edge as there were underlying issues I am now working through.

As I was so unhappy, I had already begun the process of looking for new jobs and had got past the early stages in the interview process when I was signed off. I had no expectation that I would ever be successful, as the jobs were paying almost double my measly salary and my confidence was so low that I couldn't envisage it.

I have now been offered an amazing role and it's left me feeling terrified! Aside from the excellent salary and exciting prospects, including the idea I can finally escape a toxic work environment, the drawbacks include the fact I now have to work full time instead of part time, and that I will be a half hour commute away, instead of 10 minutes. These are conquerable obstacles right?

In my panic at being offered the job yesterday, I stated that I wanted to think about it and that I had some queries around flexible working and holiday. I suddenly realised that I wouldn't be there for my children as much anymore and it upset me. I emailed them asking if I could work flexibly, which I had been open about from the start that I wanted to do.

I also asked if they would honor a larger amount of holiday than I would be allowed (due to starting more than halfway through the year) asking if I could take this unpaid. I don't know if my husband and I got carried away, but he has been desperate to visit his close family overseas for many years, to introduce his children to them and allow them to understand more about their heritage. One of his family members was in hospital last week (they elderly) and I think that made him worried that he might not get to see them again. Until I got this job offer, it was completely unfeasible we would make it over there any time soon, now we would be able to afford to go this year. It's a real exceptional opportunity.

The added complexity here is that we would need to take our son out of school to do this trip (it's his first year so he would not yet be 5). We feel it is justified in that we are giving our children an opportunity to meet and bond with their family.

I feel like it might have been a mistake to ask for this period off as it's added pressure on me and taking advantage of the generous offer they made. Also the idea of asking the school for time out worries me, as I don't want my son to get a bad reputation. My husband is so desperate to do this and I really want to make him happy, as he is never normally like this and I agree that this trip would be beneficial to us all. I just think in my mental state, the idea of asking for my son to be taken out of school, and for the extra leave, is a lot of pressure for me and it's making me panic.

I am sure that I will get a reply from my potential employers at some point today, but I am so scared I have put them off an ruined this opportunity. I am also wondering if I pushed my luck to sabotage myself as I am scared to change.

Can anyone offer any reassurance to my email? Do you think they might honour it but put me down as a trouble maker now?

Thanks for reading if you got this far...

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 29/05/2019 08:56

These are pretty regular and very reasonable requests. You have to see it that they want you, not that they’re doing you a favour by offering you this role.

Well done for getting it and I’m sure these won’t be a big issue at all

Pgqio · 29/05/2019 09:00

You sound wracked with anxiety. I totally empathise as I'm going through something horrible myself and I second guess everything, catastrophise and assume the worst all the time.
You're actually in a great situation but your anxiety is clouding all your judgement.
Wait till you see how they respond and try not to predict too much in the meantime.

Shoxfordian · 29/05/2019 09:01

They won't mark you down as a troublemaker but you should decide how you feel if they can't accommodate you. Will you say no to the job?

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2019 09:03

Don't give taking your son out of school at his age another thought.

CodenameVillanelle · 29/05/2019 09:03

Your requests are fine. They aren't doing you a favour with this job offer, they obviously value you!

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2019 09:03

For what you have planned I mean. If I'm right in thinking he's neve rmet many of your DH's family, this is important.

Bigfanofcheese · 29/05/2019 09:04

Well done and stop worrying! These are both reasonable and normal requests. If they are unable to accommodate either of them they will just say 'no'. If they can, they will say 'yes'. I don't think they will agree grudgingly and mark your card in some way.

I know how it feels to have your confidence knocked for six by work but this is a fresh start and they've offered you they job because you can do it 💐

woohootoyou · 29/05/2019 09:06

Congratulations Skiddy! I lost my confidence after working for a bike gaslighting manager. Once I was out of it I realised how tense I'd been for such a long time. They're definitely not big obstacles, you can do it! Best of all you get to hand in your notice knowing you're going on to bigger and better things Smile

woohootoyou · 29/05/2019 09:07

Argh vile not bike!

redexpat · 29/05/2019 09:10

Those are totally normal. Well done for negotiating!

Do you think it might be a good idea to build in some self care? Fill the freezer with ready meals etc, book a couple of counselling sessions just to be on the safe side.

Original poster
SkiddySkidz · 29/05/2019 09:12

Wow guys, I am a bit overwhelmed my this immediate supportive response. Thank you so much for your positivity. Yes I am wracked with anxiety and trying to work on it so much. My judgement is so affected that I have somehow made this positive experience into a really stressful and terrifying one in my head.

Honestly my next biggest fears are being offered another job that I have to turn down, and the idea of handing my notice in. It sounds insane to say it out loud. I could never play Deal or No Deal could I?!

@woohootoyou haha bike made me laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkiddySkidz · 29/05/2019 09:13

@redexpat

Thanks, I did think as I was writing this out that I need to see a counsellor or do some talking therapy. I will definitely do this.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 29/05/2019 09:16

Your son is not going to get a bad reputation if you take him out of school once to go on holiday. If you start doing it regularly, and are THAT parent in lots of other ways, then maybe there's an issue, but for this one off, you really don't need to worry.

Shoxfordian · 29/05/2019 09:19

I'm sure you know OP but make sure you've resigned from one job before you start the next one or you could be taxed twice

MLMsuperfan · 29/05/2019 09:21

It's very standard for new employees to clear already-planned holidays near their start date.

Original poster
SkiddySkidz · 29/05/2019 09:23

@bridgetreilly

Thanks. As this is my first year with school in September, I guess I don't know what to expect. I hear all these stories in the press about how schools are clamping down on time out and was worried. We have our school parents meeting next month so I will raise this then. It interests me how families with dual nationality cope, especially when you can't always control the dates of important events (e.g. funerals, weddings, family reunions)

OP posts:
Brefugee · 29/05/2019 09:26

First of all congratulations on the fab job offer. That must be a real boost! I wouldn't worry about a half hour commute - that's pretty short for a lot of people and for a full time position not so bad at all.

Of course it is difficult to adjust to being away from your son more, but you know in the long run you will do what is best for you and your family. There will be adjusting required from all of you and that is perfectly fine.

It will be such a relief to hand in your resignation. If you feel up to it you may like to mention that the environment there was a major contributor to your being off work and your change at an exit interview.

You should probably try to work out how you will feel if your new place don't agree to you (perfectly normal) requests. Maybe you could go with your husband for a short while if they think it would be too long? Or give it a miss this time and let them go alone?

Good luck Flowers

janetforpresident · 29/05/2019 09:27

It doesnt matter before he is 5 anyway but beyond that I think some people just factor the fine into their costs. It's not a good idea to repeatedly take him out as it will affect his education. A one off when he is 4 is no big deal.

I think if you had a wedding or funeral the school would generally be accommodating but that is at the head's discretion.

Redandblue11 · 29/05/2019 09:33

Congratulations. I second above views that those are normal requests, just wait and see what they say but I would not worry.
Re school and time off, I have always been up front and asked around 4/5 days off school to visit my side of the family abroad, as holidays do not coincide normally. We never had any issues and always had it approved, is not like you are taking the piss, there is a real reason.
Good luck!

myhamster · 29/05/2019 09:34

Sorry Skiddy that made me laugh "I could never play Deal or No Deal could I?!" I would be exactly the same, whatever decision I made would be the wrong one, so I would be afraid to switch boxes or whatever in case I gave away the jackpot, I'd be there for hours deciding Grin

I suffer from anxiety too, so I know that you cross examine yourself over every single decision and then after doing something, keep thinking about whether it was right, or whether you could have done it differently.

Don't give it a second thought about taking your child out of school. I am taking DC out for what I call the holiday of a lifetime, that we couldn't afford in August, the worst that can happen is that they fine you £60 (for a first offence).

I do a lot of payroll for companies, and 1 new employee had a list of prebooked holiday, all the half terms, school holidays etc, and the employer had to honour it.

Osquito · 29/05/2019 09:38

Someone with same overseas family situation here: we took our child out last Oct (reception, aged 4) and he missed 10 school days (we used HT break as well). It was DP and DS’s first time there, and something we don’t expect to afford again for a few years yet. We wrote a polite letter notifying the Head of our intentions pretty much as soon as he started school and - as expected - she replied that she could not officially authorise it, but as he was not 5 we wouldn’t be fined either. Those 3 weeks flew by, DS met his great grandmother and experienced some of my heritage... and I never felt like a ‘bad parent’ at school for it! Wink
In the future we believe we would only do similar trips if we can pay for school holiday times, but if either of my parents passed I’m not sure...

Congratulations on your amazing job offer - as pp have said, if they are willing to negotiate terms with you they REALLY DO want you!

Original poster
SkiddySkidz · 29/05/2019 09:40

@Brefugee

Thank you for your advice. Yes I hope I am strong enough to raise the issues on exit. Part of me thinks it will be too much stress. The culture of this organisation is extremely damaging to those that suffer from mental health issues. It's a dog-eat-dog type of place, so if you are not good at playing that game then you are singled out. I was put on a performance management plan twice in the 6 months before I was signed off. They refused to explain why, provide any reason, or evidence. The goals on the plan were not achievable and I felt like they were trying to get rid of me. I had achieved all of my objectives and delivered all of my work to time and quality. I discussed with ACAS who said they couldn't do this, so wrote an email to them asking for tangible evidence or reason for me to be put on it. They just ignored me.

When I was signed off I made it clear it wasn't work-related stress, as I didn't want them to think they had broken me. However less than a week after, my plan was cancelled, stating I had made a great improvement in such a short time (despite it being the most unproductive time in my career!).

I have since been informed by other managers that they have a target of people that they have to put on plans whenever the business is struggling and I guess they chose me as I am part-time. Absolutely pointless business practices.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 29/05/2019 09:41

20 mins extra on your commute is something you'll soon get used to.

MintyCedric · 29/05/2019 09:41

Really don't worry about the school time off, especially with you DS being so little

Although officially no term-time leave for holidays can be granted and Head teachers have to toe the line on that front, the vast majority of school staff would totally understand and probably think it's a load of old bollocks and be a bit envious that they can't get away with it too

Original poster
SkiddySkidz · 29/05/2019 09:43

@myhamster

Haha I know, that show is like my worst nightmare :D

It's a hard life questioning everything, but I guess on the upside I don't make too many rash decisions with negative consequences!

OP posts: