Should I have sent this email?

[SkiddySkidz]

I recently had a breakdown and got signed off work for several months. Work was a major contributor in my mental state, but it kind of pushed me over the edge as there were underlying issues I am now working through.

As I was so unhappy, I had already begun the process of looking for new jobs and had got past the early stages in the interview process when I was signed off. I had no expectation that I would ever be successful, as the jobs were paying almost double my measly salary and my confidence was so low that I couldn't envisage it.

I have now been offered an amazing role and it's left me feeling terrified! Aside from the excellent salary and exciting prospects, including the idea I can finally escape a toxic work environment, the drawbacks include the fact I now have to work full time instead of part time, and that I will be a half hour commute away, instead of 10 minutes. These are conquerable obstacles right?

In my panic at being offered the job yesterday, I stated that I wanted to think about it and that I had some queries around flexible working and holiday. I suddenly realised that I wouldn't be there for my children as much anymore and it upset me. I emailed them asking if I could work flexibly, which I had been open about from the start that I wanted to do.

I also asked if they would honor a larger amount of holiday than I would be allowed (due to starting more than halfway through the year) asking if I could take this unpaid. I don't know if my husband and I got carried away, but he has been desperate to visit his close family overseas for many years, to introduce his children to them and allow them to understand more about their heritage. One of his family members was in hospital last week (they elderly) and I think that made him worried that he might not get to see them again. Until I got this job offer, it was completely unfeasible we would make it over there any time soon, now we would be able to afford to go this year. It's a real exceptional opportunity.

The added complexity here is that we would need to take our son out of school to do this trip (it's his first year so he would not yet be 5). We feel it is justified in that we are giving our children an opportunity to meet and bond with their family.

I feel like it might have been a mistake to ask for this period off as it's added pressure on me and taking advantage of the generous offer they made. Also the idea of asking the school for time out worries me, as I don't want my son to get a bad reputation. My husband is so desperate to do this and I really want to make him happy, as he is never normally like this and I agree that this trip would be beneficial to us all. I just think in my mental state, the idea of asking for my son to be taken out of school, and for the extra leave, is a lot of pressure for me and it's making me panic.

I am sure that I will get a reply from my potential employers at some point today, but I am so scared I have put them off an ruined this opportunity. I am also wondering if I pushed my luck to sabotage myself as I am scared to change.

Can anyone offer any reassurance to my email? Do you think they might honour it but put me down as a trouble maker now?

Thanks for reading if you got this far...

@Osquito thank you for sharing your experiences too. Yes I hope that in future we will only do these sorts of trips in school holidays. I know it is so important and it's just a case of weighing up the value of missing a few days of school to the amazing experience this will offer our children.

Congratulations!

Totally normal questions to ask your employer, they will hear them all the time and be used to dealing with them.

They aren’t doing you a favour by hiring you - THEY WANT YOU!

Don’t worry at all about taking your son out of school at such a young age for a one off trip - it’s really ok and won’t have a long term impact.

Congratulations on your new job, you’ve obviously done really well and are just what they are looking for!

Please try not to worry, you have asked them to honour a period of already booked leave, which if I'm reading it right, if you worked there the complete leave year wouldn't have exceeded your entitlement but will just exceed it pro rata for this year? In which case, if it's a few weeks it's not an unreasonable request and you've been really good to offer to take it unpaid so not expecting them to foot any extra payment. Which I think shows you are fair and decent.

Don't worry about taking your son out of school, I presume he is in reception? Which I believe isn't compulsory so you can anyway. I took my daughter out for a week to go to a wedding in Greece. There were no consequences and (not to appear flippant but this was the view I took) if he fails his a-levels I don't think it can be pinned on a week long absence in reception.

Finally, re flexible working - it's a legal right to request it. They can't withdraw the offer because you have, to do so would be clearly discriminatory. I'd just say if the opportunity comes to talk it through, take it, explain it's going to be a big change for your children, you just want to ease the transition. Perhaps discuss an informal approach to start with so you can see what works for you and the company, but get it agreed in writing. And see if it can then be adjusted and a formal application made after a certain period.

I know how you feel, twelve months ago I went from job share to full time when I changed jobs. It's turned out to be far more flexible than I thought. The children who previously had zero childcare go to a childminder twice a week and an after school club, sometimes get dropped with friends before school if I have meetings etc, and they have just rolled with it. If DC seem unsettled focus on the positives - "we have more money now - so we can go to X place on Saturday!" My kids were delighted when we walked round the supermarket and I didn't say no to everything. I explained it was because I was working more. They got it. Good luck in your new job!!!

@Needsomebottle thank you for your thoughts too. It's a nightmare trying to get the balance right isn't it? But I do tend to focus on the positives once a decision is made and acted on, I will ensure we have lots of fun family time together at the weekend and put the extra money towards quality time together. :) xx

Nothing to really add, except I have ended up in a similar position. I was at my previous job for 7 years and was terrified to leave it, but have just accepted another job. I'm terrified/excited as I know the new place is 100 times better but also, feel I've developed Stockholm syndrome and feel scared about the unknown!

Sounds like you have this sorted, OP!

Email sounds perfectly reasonable. I hope that they come back to you quickly and positively.

As your child is not yet Compulsory School Age, they can't fine you for unauthorised absence. If you explain it to school as you have here, the school might even authorise the absence anyway, as there is a big difference between visiting elderly relatives overseas than a trip to Butlins or Disneyland.

I second the suggestion that you build in self care.It is going to be a big change and the self care sounds really important.

@Moomooboo I totally relate. My colleagues that left before me said that the hardest challenge was actually getting out. Once they settled in to the new places (which took several months in some cases) then they said it was the best thing they ever did.

One colleague left their next job after less than 6 months but she said she didn't regret leaving, she said she viewed it as a toxic relationship and that the next job was her rebound She has now settled into a more serious relationship job now!

I wouldn’t worry about taking the time off school-if the child is under compulsory school age, you won’t get fined.

Is the cost of the trip only doable because of the new high salary of your new role? I think (I am a worrier though) that I would want to work the role for a bit (to make sure I was staying in it and had passed probation etc) before spending any of the additional money. DH has a job a few years back that didn’t work out-it wasn’t what he thought it would be and turned out to be extremely stressful-he left after 6 weeks. Had we been relying on that income for a holiday, the stress would have been sky high.

If the money isn’t the issue, then ignore all I have said!

Expect the best but prepare for the worst. You just need to decide what you will do if they do say no to either request.

I also just wondered if, if you take the job, you could attend some counselling each weekend to help you through the first couple of months in the role. You just sound extremely anxious and it would possibly help to ease you into your new job in the best possible emotional shape.

Good luck.

It seems to me that the workplace you are about to leave is so toxic that even the thtought of a simple and reasonable requests leaves you feeling anxious.

It's good you are getting out and it's good you are negotiating. If this causes trouble with your new employer than that place is at least as toxic as your current one.

Even if they can't accomodate you, they should at least respond politely and leave the offer on the table as it is for you to accept.

I went from PT to FT for a job I really wanted. I put in a solid performance for a while then requested more flexible terms and was allowed to work around childcare and do 2-3 days a week from home.

I’m now on maternity leave and plan to go back PT. I’ve discussed this already and my boss is onboard.

Even if they say no initially you could ask if there’s scope for a more flexible pattern in the future after getting to grips with the role and demonstrating good performance. I think as long as you’re balancing your requests with being enthusiastic and positive about the role, organisation etc it’s very likely they’ll want to accommodate. Best of luck!

@fedup21

No that's a fair point actually. It seems like a great culture, and my closest colleague that I used to work with has moved there, plus a few others, so I guess I just assumed I would like it. But it's definitely worth considering that I may not...

The way I see it is, you need something from the employer and if you don’t get it, you wouldn’t be happy there. If they view this as trouble making, they aren’t for you.

If this one doesn’t work, another job will come along which suits.

Well done and stop worrying! These are both reasonable and normal requests. If they are unable to accommodate either of them they will just say 'no'. If they can, they will say 'yes'. I don't think they will agree grudgingly and mark your card in some way.

Totally agree. Don't panic, this sounds like a wonderful opportunity!

Completely normal, this is the stage for negotiations.

Good luck and congrats

Any news OP? :)

@ecumenicalpatter thanks for asking!

I did hear back from them later that day and they agree the working hours I requested and all the holiday too. I am very lucky. I therefore accepted the job, and they have sent me my contract!

The next stage is handing my notice in while off sick. Which is a whole other mine field...

Congrats.

Don't worry you'll be ok. Go for it and good luck

I did hear back from them later that day and they agree the working hours I requested and all the holiday too

congratulations, that's brilliant.