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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which of us is BU?

29 replies

b0bb1n · 29/05/2019 02:49

Scenario: I was trying to get some sleep as I do in the evening before being awake most of the night and early hours and day with baby. DH taking care of baby while I sleep.

He knows I do not want either of us to let baby (newborn) sleep in bed with either of us, I know it can be done safely but I personally would worry too much about the worst happening.

I wake up at 10pm in my bed, turn over and baby is next to me on the bed, pillow either side, DH nowhere to be seen. (its not a big spacious bed, only a regular double) Not even a baby monitor on him so I know DH isn't keeping an eye on him from downstairs. (It turns out he had gone to the shop for nothing urgent or necessary, gone about 15-20mins.)

Given the fact he knows I am deeply uncomfortable with bed sharing with our newborn and never want to do it, and the fact I didn't even know baby was there so could have easily pulled quilt up over him or chucked my pillow on him when it got too hot, I was / am furious he put baby in this risky position.

DH think I am BU to be unhappy with him leaving baby unattended next to my sleeping self.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
isabellerossignol · 29/05/2019 03:12

He is.

And I speak as someone who was quite happy to co-sleep once my babies were past the tiny baby stage. But if you're going to have a baby in bed with you safely you have to know there is actually a baby there, not just wake up to find one there. I'm not surprised you're angry with him.

ChillaxingInMyKimono · 29/05/2019 03:15

Bloody hell! Shock

He is! And I say this as someone who co-slept!

Co-sleeping is perfectly safe, IF you have X, Y, and Z in place. And one of those absolute provisos is that the person co-sleeping is aware that the baby is there!!?

Wow - I would be going apoplectic - does he not realise what sort of risk he was running?

loudnoises1 · 29/05/2019 03:16

Same as above, I adore co sleeping with my baby and even I think that was a total dick move. Exceptionally dangerous.

Alicewond · 29/05/2019 03:19

Wow this story could have ended up in a tragic tale, you have every right to be annoyed. Plus he did this without your permission knowing your views on this. It would be the end for me, and a blessing, you still have a living child despite him

7salmonswimming · 29/05/2019 03:22

I guess his thought process was: baby is fast asleep, I just want to get some [whatever], but don’t want to wake baby by getting into sling/pram to take with me. Can’t leave baby asleep downstairs alone. I’ll leave baby next to b0bb1n so she hears if baby wakes up, nothing bad will happen, I’ll only be gone 20 mins. It’s fine.

He needs to be made properly aware of what could have happened. The things you’ve put in your post. And think of your answer to “well, you did wake up, didn’t you??”. Maybe something along the lines of “and aren’t you lucky I did this time, not having that on your conscience for the rest of your life Hmm”.

Is it his first baby? I just don’t think they’re hardwired to feel the full depth of responsibility from the get-go, always. Plus, you’re tired and emotional so you’re on red alert too with a possibly short fuse.

A serious, proper conversation rather than losing your shit with apoplectic rage, I think.

Original poster
b0bb1n · 29/05/2019 03:36

Thank you all for your replies. Yes it's his / our first baby. Sometimes I can't tell tho if I am being unnecessarily cautious about things (I think I was justified in this tho) or if he just doesn't give much weight to the risks when it comes to baby safety / wellbeing. I feel like a nag. A simple attempt to go on a walk with baby can turn into a row over what he should wear or how many blankets to use as we both disagree on how warm or cool it is out! I hate falling out with him as I always, when I'm alone with bub and he's in bed, think of all the sweet and amazing things about him then feel so guilty over what has been said in anger. Don't even know where I'm going with this. I never realised how much being parents would bring out the worst in us both :(

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 29/05/2019 03:40

100% he is and what he did is actually very dangerous.

A . Placing pillows around baby is a huge suffocation risk.
B . He placed baby in bed with you while you were unconscious so you were not aware baby was there which means the chances of you rolling on baby or covering their faces is higher.

When we know baby is in the bed we sleep differently, we do not hit the deep deep sleep that you can achieve when you are fully relaxed IME.

I was like you and co sleeping scared me but baby 2 was always sick for the first 12 months of his life so sometimes I had to just let him sleep with us or I would have had even less sleep than I was already getting, the sleep is definitely different, always in 'awareness mode'.

Original poster
b0bb1n · 29/05/2019 03:49

It's so scary what could have happened StoppinBy. I am always sleep deprived too so would have been in an even deeper sleep than normal. Our baby is not worth the risk :(

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 29/05/2019 03:53

Feel free to tell the Health Visitor, in front of him. Let them ‘explain’, since he’s obviously tuning you out.

loudnoises1 · 29/05/2019 03:55

@b0bb1n Definitely have a serious conversation with him about this but don't let it get you too down. This is such a difficult time emotionally and you have to be a team.
You'll probably fuck up at some point (hopefully not something this dangerous) and have to manage his disappointment so let him know but don't let it destroy any positivity.

StoppinBy · 29/05/2019 04:05

I agree with loudness, discuss it with him in no uncertain terms, explain to him why it was dangerous and that whether he agrees with you ar not he cannot ever do it again BUT don't let it become a focus point for you. I mainly say that because it is easy to let something like this become a springboard in to a deep hole of anxiety about your child's safety.

Trust me, we all do stuff up, I am a person who is really paranoid about my children's safety... yesterday I put my 2 year old to bed with a sticker on his hand that he potentially could have choked on, I knew about it, I meant to take it off but I forgot until after he got out of bed and pulled it off his hand and put it in his mouth, I could have kicked myself!

Generally when we stuff up our babies come out on the right side, doesn't mean we don't try our best but know that even when we do the wrong thing they are 99% of the time ok.

Also he does need to understand that unless all parties who use the bed are capable adults, not under the influence of drugs or alcohol and in agreement that baby can sleep there then baby CAN NOT co sleep. End Of.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/05/2019 04:06

Massive fuck up on his part but no harm done. Time to agree a strategy for next time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/05/2019 04:23

I also co-slept with both of mine from the outset, but this would have made me so angry!!
You didn't know the baby was there, and to have 2 pillows either side, while preventing the baby from "escaping", could easily have caused him to suffocate. I'm horrified, actually.

Whatever your DH needed could SURELY have waited until you'd woken up, or at least had sufficient rest that he could have gently woken you and TOLD you what he was doing. Failing that he should have taken the baby with him!!

He might be downplaying it because he's feeling guilty - but if he genuinely believes he did nothing wrong then he really needs it hammering home that he really did.

desparate4sleep · 29/05/2019 04:26

I have a baby and this makes me feel sick. I don't think I could ever trust DP again of he did this. You are lucky that you woke up and nothing bad happend. What an idiot.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2019 04:50

What your husband did could have resulted in an unspeakable tragedy. He has no fucking idea what he's doing in regards to infant safety. I wouldn't trust his judgement if my life depended on it. Honestly, I would want to strangle him.

Graphista · 29/05/2019 04:53

He is - and I co-slept for a long time BUT it was my choice, I was aware of it and so able to do so safely.

He didn't even do it right aside from your not knowing! He put your child at risk.

And for what? What on earth was so bloody urgent he HAD to go to the shop right then?

user1474894224 · 29/05/2019 05:11

To the people saying they could never trust the dp again if he did this - really??? You'd let go of an entire loving relationship over one mistake??? Get real.

To the OP - explain and move on. He won't do it again. There will be a few of these instances each way. You are learning to parent together. You have to find your way through the parenting maze together. If he wants to put DC in the pram with one jacket too few, don't argue but stick an extra blanket under in case you need it. If you want to put a hat on in 20 degree weather, ask Do not to argue and you'll take it off if baby is warm.... You can both do this. Remember you both love the baby.

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 29/05/2019 06:34

He definitely is. Nothing wrong with co-sleeping but you have to know the baby is in bed with you! He was really reckless.

Original poster
b0bb1n · 29/05/2019 06:39

He fancied some yogurt Hmm

Thanks again all for your replies and good advice. I think now the initial shock has worn off, I'm still angry he did it, but I will approach it in a way that (hopefully) won't lead to an argument or falling out. It doesn't help that I had extreme anxiety (and extreme sleep deprivation) in the first few weeks (he is 8wks now), I was almost going out of my mind with worry about the baby, but it started to wear DH down and now I feel like every concern I have places me back there, at least in his estimation. To him I just worry about everything for no reason. Maybe I do that a lot but last night was bloody serious.

OP posts:
HolesinTheSoles · 29/05/2019 07:12

He is. I coslept with my eldest (as he wouldn't bloody sleep any other way) but not like that. That's ridiculous. It's a newborn baby not a toddler you have to be much more careful.

GPatz · 29/05/2019 07:49

I bed share with my newborn and what your DH did was extremely risky - you need to know baby is in bed with you!

MRex · 29/05/2019 08:11

That was needlessly risky, thankfully it's ok and having a sensible conversation about it is a good idea. If the baby is 8 weeks then it's worth bringing up that sometime between now and 12 weeks the baby will learn to roll, it can happen quickly and that's why the pillows are a suffocation risk (as well as rolling the baby by you moving on the mattress). As a PP says, we all screw up to some degree, you need to keep supporting each other and discussing any risks with the minimum of upset really.

ThePants999 · 29/05/2019 08:20

He's an idiot and needs that made very clear to him. However, @Alicewond is crazy. Leaving your child's father over a single incident like this would be even more irresponsible than what he did.

Soubriquet · 29/05/2019 08:37

Very risky indeed

It’s one thing to co-sleep being aware the baby is there

It’s another to have baby put into bed without your knowledge.

It could have fucked up....

CarolinaChina · 29/05/2019 08:46

YANBU. If you could do this without causing an argument, why don’t you read out some of the replies on this thread to him. I agree with PP who said he’s probably done this quite innocently not realising how wrong it is on so many levels - maybe if he could get a flavour of what others are saying, the penny might drop?

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