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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that as a grandparent, if you fall out with your child...

51 replies

wheesht79 · 28/05/2019 22:29

... you still have an interest in your grandchildren?

DH fell out with his parents at the start of the year over something relatively trivial. He's apologised for his part in the situation but they haven't been speaking to him since, in part because he's blaming another family member (who can do no wrong in their eyes) for what went wrong. This other family member was partly to blame, but the whole thing has been the straw that broke the camel's back from DH's point of view and he's said a lot of things about this person to his parents which they've found upsetting. These things are true, but they just don't/can't/won't see the problems in this person's behaviour. I've told DH to leave it but he's understandably frustrated that his parents have effectively cut him out of their lives while not acknowledging he's not entirely at fault for what happened.

Anyway, that's the context (sorry to be a bit vague). In the meantime we've been sending them birthday/Mother's Day cards and presents as normal. I've tried to make contact but they want to talk to me about what DH has said and I really don't want to get in the middle of it as I think they need to speak to their son first!

What's getting to me now is that neither PIL has asked even once after our DC. Not a single question about how they're doing, no attempt to arrange to meet up (they live a couple of hours north of us in a rural village so it's not as easy as popping round). Nothing for Easter, not even a text (wouldn't expect presents although my mum always gives a little something to the grandchildren). I appreciate they're pissed off with DH, but AIBU to feel disappointed with this? They're not the most expressive of families at the best of times but have complained in the past that they don't see enough of their other grandchildren, and now this has happened they haven't even asked after our kids in months!

Am I being ridiculous/sensitive? Tbh I hadn't even thought of it at first, I was just thinking of all of this as their business only, but my mum mentioned it was weird that they hadn't asked about our DC and it got me thinking... and now can't stop!

I should add that I've stayed in touch by text in as neutral a way as possible, have mentioned DC and that it's a shame they're not seeing them... and have had nothing in response to that.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 28/05/2019 22:31

Leave it you have tried it's their loss honestly if they were bothered they would ask

WhiteDust · 28/05/2019 22:32

They are showing their true colours.
Leave them to it, you don't need that kind of shit in your life.

UrsulaPandress · 28/05/2019 22:33

Yes it’s odd. But it’s their loss. I really wouldn’t bother contacting them again.

Original poster
wheesht79 · 28/05/2019 22:34

They are showing their true colours

I think your definitely right here!! Probably why I'm so bothered about it as I feel like after all these years of knowing them I'm only now seeing what they're truly like. I feel so bad for DH too, he's so sad about it

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/05/2019 22:40

It sounds as though the other person is their Golden child, in which case DH will never get through to them. Its hard to know how some people's minds work - yes they should still be interested in your dc, but I suspect that the golden child's dc are the golden grandchildren.

Original poster
wheesht79 · 28/05/2019 22:43

Golden child is very close to it! Said person has no DC though.

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 28/05/2019 22:56

They may be of the view that your DH won't let them see their GCs so they don't want to ask and give him the power to refuse.
I think families that cut people off often have their own rules about how far that lack of contact extends, who should instigate contact with DCs and GCs, etc. DH's family is like this and I can't keep up with all the unwritten rules about it tbh.

Original poster
wheesht79 · 28/05/2019 23:03

@LillithsFamiliar (love the name btw) DH has texted them to say he's disappointed they haven't been in touch about the DC - no response. My worry is they'll turn round and say we've not been letting them have contact which is why we've both been in touch with them about it but they're not responding. Ah well, at least we've tried I guess.

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 28/05/2019 23:09

You know that you've tried. That's the best you can do with people like that. Flowers It may be better that they don't see your DC if they're likely to criticise your DH in front of them.

MummyKnowsAll · 28/05/2019 23:17

I think I'd just send a "you know where we are if you want to see your grandchildren" type text but make it clear you'll leave it in their court as clearly your efforts are not reciprocated. And make no further contact. Refer to that message if they ever claim you didn't let them see the GC.

Original poster
wheesht79 · 28/05/2019 23:18

They're very stiff upper lip so I wouldn't be worried about them criticising DH in front of the DC... just no idea what's going on in their heads right now. I know I need to stop worrying about it. I'm just a natural solution seeker and hate these sorts of things when they're left with no resolution for ages! And as a mum I guess I'm a bit peeved by the way they're treating their son and grandchildren.

OP posts:
Original poster
wheesht79 · 28/05/2019 23:20

Good idea @MummyKnowsAll, thanks!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/05/2019 23:23

Maybe invite them for a weekend? BBQ or something? See how they react?

Original poster
wheesht79 · 28/05/2019 23:29

@Singlenotsingle they made it clear a while back they wouldn't be traveling to us any more (we're in a city and FIL is getting on a bit now, don't blame them!). So it would be us going to them and while they're not speaking to DH I'm not sure how appropriate it would be to plan a visit. But I suppose it's one approach! It's about a 2.5 hour drive so it's quite a lot to do in a day with young DCs but I could see if they'd be open to it. Not sure how DH would feel though, might be a bit weird for him

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 28/05/2019 23:35

And your right to be pissed off with them anything that affects your husband effects you.
I really would give them the cold shoulder,why does it bother you that they haven’t asked for the grandchildren.they aren’t bothered about their son ,so go figure.
You mentioned that they want to talk about it but you don’t want too.
I would and see if I could smooth things over,guess the opportunity for that has gone.
If it’s bothering you all so much you either talk it through with them or make a decision to ignore them as well.

Original poster
wheesht79 · 28/05/2019 23:41

I'm happy to talk,I just don't want to end up in the middle of a he said type of thing! Is love to smooth things over but not sure that's my responsibility. DH has tried but I don't think he's going about it the right way as he won't accept they won't change or acknowledge the things that frustrate him. Your right though I shouldn't let it bother me.

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 28/05/2019 23:54

You could try ..why not You know this could get really big and out of control ,and it’s so unnecessary.If you can try to sort it.
I do hope it can be done

Widowodiw · 28/05/2019 23:59

I can beat you. My in laws have not made one call/ text asking after their grandchildren since my husbands, their sons funeral.

Original poster
wheesht79 · 29/05/2019 00:02

Jesus, @Widowodiw Flowers

OP posts:
Widowodiw · 29/05/2019 00:08

We don’t dwell @wheesht79 it’s their loss not ours. I suggest that you do the same.

LetsGoMile · 29/05/2019 00:14

@Widowodiw That is very sad to read. Maybe your children are too much of a reminder of what they have lost. It’s inexcusable and very sad for your children and you. 💐

OP, sadly some people will go any length to prove a point. Don’t dwell on it. It’s their loss. It’s a shame the children are missing out on a relationship with their grandparents

AndWhatNext · 29/05/2019 00:28

You're not being unreasonable in thinking it, but they are. Unfortunately in my personal experience it is also not uncommon.

I wrote a load of my own shite in your thread but deleted (I'll save it for another time when I have more energy for it. But also want to say that it's not uncommon. GP are people and as we know, people in general can be shites as well, just look at the relationships board.

Am I being ridiculous/sensitive? - NO

SusieOwl4 · 29/05/2019 00:45

Years ago my dh had a falling out with his father and mother . Not his fault . It upset me a lot , for a long time. No contact with grandchildren either .i was really stressed about it all. Then after months they one day just appeared in our doorstep like nothing had happened. No apology at all and the argument was never mentioned again . It wAs bizzare And I vowed never to worry about something I had no control over again.

gluteustothemaximus · 29/05/2019 00:50

We have the opposite. Grandparents who want to see GC but want fuck all to do with me and DH.

Leave them be. True colours are showing. It must be hard on your DH. I'd concentrate on him, not them.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 29/05/2019 00:56

That's sad OP but - It's not your responsibility to fix this or to force a relationship that they can't be bothered making an effort for. Just leave it.

They sound ridiculous and mean anyway. What grown person goes around having stupid arguments, holding grudges, playing obvious favourites and then cutting off their own child. Would you even want these people around your children, influencing the way they see relationships and the world? How would you feel if your children grew up to carry on as their GP do?

You're better off without them.

We're going through something similar. PIL hate me and are furious with DH for taking my side on a parenting decision for our DC. However they believe they are legally and morally entitled to regular access to DC so they can 'build a relationship' with them without us present. They even went and got legal advice as to whether they could force us to drop our DC to their home once a week.

I would love your problem!! I wish my PIL would just go and leave us alone.