To think that as a grandparent, if you fall out with your child...

[wheesht79]

... you still have an interest in your grandchildren?

DH fell out with his parents at the start of the year over something relatively trivial. He's apologised for his part in the situation but they haven't been speaking to him since, in part because he's blaming another family member (who can do no wrong in their eyes) for what went wrong. This other family member was partly to blame, but the whole thing has been the straw that broke the camel's back from DH's point of view and he's said a lot of things about this person to his parents which they've found upsetting. These things are true, but they just don't/can't/won't see the problems in this person's behaviour. I've told DH to leave it but he's understandably frustrated that his parents have effectively cut him out of their lives while not acknowledging he's not entirely at fault for what happened.

Anyway, that's the context (sorry to be a bit vague). In the meantime we've been sending them birthday/Mother's Day cards and presents as normal. I've tried to make contact but they want to talk to me about what DH has said and I really don't want to get in the middle of it as I think they need to speak to their son first!

What's getting to me now is that neither PIL has asked even once after our DC. Not a single question about how they're doing, no attempt to arrange to meet up (they live a couple of hours north of us in a rural village so it's not as easy as popping round). Nothing for Easter, not even a text (wouldn't expect presents although my mum always gives a little something to the grandchildren). I appreciate they're pissed off with DH, but AIBU to feel disappointed with this? They're not the most expressive of families at the best of times but have complained in the past that they don't see enough of their other grandchildren, and now this has happened they haven't even asked after our kids in months!

Am I being ridiculous/sensitive? Tbh I hadn't even thought of it at first, I was just thinking of all of this as their business only, but my mum mentioned it was weird that they hadn't asked about our DC and it got me thinking... and now can't stop!

I should add that I've stayed in touch by text in as neutral a way as possible, have mentioned DC and that it's a shame they're not seeing them... and have had nothing in response to that.

I don't think they can win.

In most cases on here, when one person goes NC (usually with the in-laws)if the children still see them the GPs can cause trouble so they're usually kept away.

I think it's very hard. It's easier if the whole family is cut off

My exSIL used to see his dd three days a week and seemed to totally dote on her. He and dd were separated because of his violent rages. Then one day he attacked my dd in front of dgd, blocked us on his phone and social media and they've never seen him again. He did them a favor, but he could have got a therapist and cleaned up his act instead.

Dont stress about them.They are not sitting there worried about you or your dc.You cnat force a relationship they dont want.So i would just leet them stew in their own juice.

They will see the other person for what they are eventually.Everyones masks slips,theirs has.

You said you don't want to get in the middle of things, so don't. They made it clear they want nothing to do with your dc, you have texts to show you have tried etc. I'd just leave it now.

Has your dh talked to his sister about the situation, or are they not speaking either?

You may find your dcs are scapegoats by association. My mother had a nice fat chat about my dd and then she tried that one on with my dd. I am the scapegoat, brother golden child. I made it very clear it wasn’t happening. My mother also blames me for my brother’s abuse and violence against me.

It’s good to see your dh is finally standing up for himself. I’m doing the same. Live a good life. Grandparents are a nice to have but not essential. Perhaps you’ll find a few substitutes along the way.....

Widow

Thanks for your comments all, and sorry to those going through similar (or opposite but just as frustrating).

@BertrandRussell she's not been in toicj with DH. She lives with PILs, is in her late 30s, no family, series of failed relationships, and is a habitual liar. Also problems with drug and alcohol use that PIL just don't or won't see. She's constantly telling them one thing and us another. Has lied to our friends. She clearly has issues and I feel for her but she never has to face up to her responsibilities as PIL are there to coddle her. Other siblings feel a lot of resentment about the clear favouritism and the fact she's lived there rent free since forever. I used to think DH's family were normal and mine were messed up but despite my family's problems we'd never, ever cut out a child or sibling in this way. DHs oldest sister has experienced similar, it's always been blamed on her personality but I'm starting to wonder if this is all just a pattern which goes back to the parents

My uncle's second wife took umbrage at something her DIL said and never saw her son and 3 year old Granddaughter again. Has never seen the younger one.

It was something really trivial too from what I remember 😞

I think this is appalling, but in my experience it's not uncommon. I would leave it. I don't think you need people who behave like this anywhere near your children. for your DH. It's horrible having parents who play favourites.

Leave it, it’s not for you to fix. There is clearly a dynamic in the family and your DH has spoken out. I wouldn’t get involved in discussing what he said with them either. Not sure what they are expecting from you but it doesn’t sound healthy either and will likely try to draw you into believing they are not wrong.. stand by your DH. As for the DC leave it, they have shown you who they are. My OH has had 4 big fall outs with his parents over the years and on each they go NC and the only contact with my DC is a card on there birthday. These are two people who dote on them when they visits and kids loved them. They all including my OH forget about their mass fall outs which can last a year and the GP seem surprised that my DC are wary of them.... they didn't see our third until he was 6mths due to yet another fall out..... they rewrite history all the time and I just wait for the next fall out.

I think you need to take your husbands lead on this as they are his parents. You're making an effort to stay in touch with people who do not have you, your husbands or your children's best interest at heart.

I think you need to take your husbands lead on this as they are his parents. You're making an effort to stay in touch with people who do not have you, your husbands or your children's best interest at heart.

Yep, this nails it and I'm going to stick with my head over my heart I think. As much as I'd like to smooth things over it's not my job to do that, and I think the whole thing is super weird. Not to drip feed but my DH suffers from poor mental health (the meal in Jan was in part a way of his family 'supporting' him) and I'm appalled that they've done this when he's at his absolute lowest point. I've had to talk him down from harmful thoughts so many times over the last few months and this has made things ten times worse for him. As a mother myself I don't understand how you could do this to your kid, even if they'd done something truly terrible (which he hasn't).

We're in a very similar situation, only in our case it's me that's fallen out with MIL. All visits/contact with our DC went through me (as DH tended to be at work during visits) and it's just stopped. I can't believe that she hasn't tried to see our DC (who are still primary age). She lives close by too. I don't care what she's saying to other people, she can get on with it. The fact that she hasn't bothered with my DC shows me the sort of person she is - I'm not going to try and create a relationship between them after what she did/said.

It would be better for everyone, not least your DH, if there could be a reconciliation, but it all sounds a bit tricky at present. Maybe you just need to give it some time, but the family dynamic sounds difficult.

@WishILivedOnAnIsland presumably they got nowhere with that? Why do grandparents insist on alone time with the gc? So weird. Is it the grandparents who dramatically fall to the ground and tantrum?

Same here - DH got so fed up with them trying to control our lives. They haven't once bothered to see their grandchildren despite coming over here regularly to see their friends (they moved away) and I doubt they'd even recognise them.

It's so sad. I had some difficulty with my own parents when my eldest DC was born a few years ago, but despite our problems we all made sure DC still got to see their grandparents. I don't live near family and both my parents often express how much they'd like to see their grandkids more. But from the PILs - nothing.

to all of you, people can be shit!! Really hoping I don't end up as one of these parents/parents in law in the future (but given my parents are relatively normal hopefully this isn't likely!)

@Cherrysoup yep that's them.

They got nowhere with the legal side but threatening us with legal action was enough to make them the centre of our attention for a while so I suppose it paid off for them in that sense.

I don't know why alone time is so important. I suppose so they can be in control, in the case of my PIL. Also as someone pointed out to me, children are easy to manipulate.

Sorry for sounding so bleak... I'm feeling pretty fired up about what a mug I've been.

OP, good on you. Try to move on and focus on your family unit. If you have any tips for making PIL PO for good, I'd love them.

I'm so sorry OP, it really is sad. Normally I would always advise people to do everything they possibly can to resolve family issues, especially when kids are involved but I think in this case you should probably be standing by your DH, he needs to be your priority. Your DC will be fine without them.

Also, it sounds like there is a weird jealosy thing going on with the siblings. What kind of adults harbour lots of resentment because a sibling, with possible MH issues, lives rent free fgs?

@WeeWeed totally see your point, not jealousy exactly but I guess feeling annoyed that one sibling gets so much support above and beyond what the others ever have done. Not active jealousy per se.

Also said sibling isn't diagnosed with anything, earns more than any of us etc! All other siblings have mh issues of their own which are unacknowledged by the parents.

Definitely leave it. Not sure why you'd want your kids to have a relationship with them tbh, when they treat your Dh in that way. You've done your bit. Step away in the knowledge that you are not the one preventing contact with your kids. And stop sendig cards, gifts - they are not deserving of them.

I know people band the cliche ‘life’s too short’ about too much but it’s so true. I really don’t understand trivial family feuds like this, they all need to grow up and get a grip of themselves. Can’t believe parents would ever cut their adult children and grandchildren out of their lives for little to no reason, it’s horrid.

I’d just leave them to it, they sound bitter.

I fell out with my mum and sister (golden child) 2 years ago, my mother hasn't sent a birthday card, Christmas card or acknowledgment of my DC's existence since. Why would she, she has golden child's DC to dote on, who fulfill her need to grandparent. I rather suspect she;s quite relieved she doesn't need to bother with mine any more.

IME narcissistic people cut friends and family over one event, something that angered them and they punish you.

Those that are son's and daughter's of narcissistic parent/s will have years of incidents that will lead to NC. Never a one off event.