Tell me a joke

[letsleepingbabieslie]

I need a laugh. Tell me your best (awful) joke.
Why did the french chef only use one egg in her omelette?
Because one egg was un oeuf.
(‘Enough’)

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

What do you call a brown sticky thing?
A stick.

What shoes can you make out of banana skins?

Slippers.

Brilliant. Those brought a smile to my face first time all day.
Will add: why did the toilet roll roll down hill?
To get to the bottom.

What's ET short for?
Cos he's got little legs!

Went out to buy a pair of camouflage pants today but couldn't find any

Real Madrid 2 Surreal Madrid Fish

Why are pirates called pirates??

Because they Arrrrrrrrrrrr!

(Also works with..)

What kind of instrument does a pirate play??

A Harrrrrmonika!

How do you make an idiot impatient?

I'll tell you later...

What do you get if you cross a cat with a lemon?

A sour-puss.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

.. It was too tired (2 tyred, geddit)

2 blondes walk into a building...you would have thought 1 of them would have seen it

What sport do you play with a wombat?

Wom.

What do you call a magical dog?

Labracadabrador

You're welcome.

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall ? Dam

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Tentacles!!

Why did the cow go in the rocket... to go to the mooooooon
What’s the cows favourite song? I like to moooove it moooove it...
Whose the cows favourite football player... Wayne mooooney...
Why did the mummy bear cuddle the baby bear... because he was grizzly...

Exit signs? They're on the way out!
Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!
Velcro? What a rip-off!
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again
Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes!
Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

What’s green and bounces around Australia?

Skippy the cooking apple

Judas - are you Tim Vine?

My Dad used to say "when one door closes, another opens". He was a lousy cabinet maker, my Dad.

An atom goes to the GP -“I fell in the garden yesterday and I think I’ve lost an electron!”

“Hmm are you sure?” goes the GP

“Yes! I’m positive!”

My dads favourite is what goes woof woof fuck? A dog with Tourette's we hear it every Christmas

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One will see you later, the other'll see you in a while

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
The abdominal snowman!