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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum with me when I’m in Labor

49 replies

Loulablake · 28/05/2019 19:22

Please help me I’ll try keep it short, I’m pregnant and had a really tough time getting here 3 mmc and now I’m on tinzaparin progesterone and now an issue with my heart. I’ve been told Labor will be complicated and I’ll be induced. I want my mum there and my partner when I deliver. (Partner was fine with this) until they said I might be put to sleep. I’ve tried to say to him if that’s the case I don’t want anyone else to see the baby until I come round I can’t bare the the thought of being the 5th or 6th person. He’s said well if that’s the case your mum can’t be there either. How can I make him see I want her their for me. We’re catholic and it’s important to me that a priest is call should me or the baby need it. But also I’ve had 15 infections from the mmc and my mum was my rock. Please help AIBU

OP posts:

JoJoSM2 · 28/05/2019 19:27

It’s fair enough that your mum is your rock. However, your partner probably feels pushed aside. Normally, with adults in committed relationships it’s the spouse/partner you turn to for support. It’s also his own baby that will be born so he wants to be involved. So you just need to see his point of view too and hopefully you can work out a compromise.

IABUQueen · 28/05/2019 19:30

So you don’t want your partner there anymore ? Just your mum ?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2019 19:32

I mean this very gently, but it really, REALLY doesn't matter so sees the baby first, 3rd or 10th. The reality is that even if you were awake, several other people will see your baby before you do, even if it is just for a few moments. Seeing your baby a bit after birth will not be detrimental in any way. I understand how you're feeling very emotional right now, but with all of the additional concerns you're dealing with concerning the birth, it's silly to be so concerned over who sees the baby "first." It just doesn't matter. The ONLY thing that matters is that you and the baby are healthy. I would be happy that my mum and partner were there to welcome the baby if I were asleep. It would give me a lot of comfort.

MidsomerBurgers · 28/05/2019 19:33

If you are put to sleep your Mum cannot be with you and will have to leave.

ANewDawn10 · 28/05/2019 19:34

Wow are you really saying you dont want him there either?

IABUQueen · 28/05/2019 19:35

If you are saying you don’t want him there then you are being massively unreasonable. And he is within his rights to request your mum isn’t a replacement for him.

Original poster

Loulablake · 28/05/2019 19:39

No the original plan was me him n my mum, it’s our 1st child and been a long road. I’m aware the doctors will 1st, but then I didn’t want the 1st time in front of everyone else he wants his mum sister n brother all on standby. I can handle that if it’s a normal delivery I just didn’t want that if the worse happens.

OP posts:

HiJuice · 28/05/2019 19:39

If you are under anaesthetic won't you want your partner to hold the baby and do skin to skin contact until you are able to do so? It's your partner's baby and I think it's wrong to exclude him from the baby. In fact it's really odd that you don't want your partner to see the baby before you. If you aren't able, the baby will need its father more than anyone else.
Fair enough to exclude other family members if you want to though.
Hope all goes well.

Merryoldgoat · 28/05/2019 19:40

I have to agree with PP - it honestly doesn’t matter who sees the baby first or second etc.

Also, if you are given a GA neither your mum nor your partner will be allowed in the OT. And if you have a CS with spinal block only 1 person can be there.

I think you should concentrate on being really prepared for the birth and the things you can control.

I do have to say though that my DH wouldn’t have minded if I had my mum rather than him. He understood the physical burden was mine and I had to deal with it as I wanted to.

ChicCroissant · 28/05/2019 19:41

Just to clarify, in the event that you have to be anaesthetised you only want your mother to see the baby and not the baby's father? That is unreasonable to me, OP.

HiJuice · 28/05/2019 19:41

Compromise and say no to his mum sister and brother would be a lot more reasonable. They can wait for an invitation - no need for them to meet baby before you do.

TixieLix · 28/05/2019 19:43

If you're sedated OP then you won't really need your DM in the room as you won't get any benefit from her being there. Maybe have it that your DM is a second birth partner if you're awake, but it's just your DP if you're sedated. If sedation happens, only your DP can spend time with the baby until you're awake and have spent time with it, then parents on both sides can meet the baby. I can see your DPs point about it being a bit unfair that your DM would be able to see the baby before you wake, but not his DPs. For fairness I'd exclude everyone until you and DP have seen baby yourself.

IABUQueen · 28/05/2019 19:43

Oh I misread... you aren’t being unreasonable to not want your mil and sil there until you wake up...

But your partner should be priority over your mum. Am confused where do you want him to be ?

Is it because if you are not awake you think he will take the baby out before you wake up and introduce him to the world ?

In any case you can speak to the midwives and state you don’t want visitors until you are awake which I think is the case.

Original poster

Loulablake · 28/05/2019 19:43

No not at all, I want him n my mum if all goes well, if it takes a turn I just wanted them to wait till I came round before they turned up n meet the baby. I want to see the baby as soon as possible but don’t want to be 5/6th in the family. That’s all I meant xx

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2019 19:45

Just say in the event you are put under, please have your partner's family wait to visit until you're awake and ready for visitors. This really doesn't need to be so dramatic.

Scrumptiousbears · 28/05/2019 19:45

So if you're given a GA and neither are there at the birth you want a nurse to hold your baby until you are bought round to see baby before either your partner or mum?

Eliza9919 · 28/05/2019 19:46

I think it's fair that his family, and everyone else other than your birthing partners, stay away until you have woken.

I'd be well pissed off if the world and it's wife had held my baby before I had.

That being said, your DP is the babies father so he's the next best person to take the baby until you are awake.

He just needs to get on board with everyone else meeting baby once you are home really.

IABUQueen · 28/05/2019 19:46

I can see your DPs point about it being a bit unfair that your DM would be able to see the baby before you wake, but not his DPs.

I disagree.. as she is the one having the operation she should have a say on who she wants there as she might trust her mum to make decisions on her behalf... it’s not about the baby... it’s her body and she is unconscious.

This doesn’t compare to her in laws being there and meeting the baby. Seperate issue

Original poster

Loulablake · 28/05/2019 19:46

Yes I want him with the baby I couldn’t bare the thought of the baby alone just didn’t want all his family there or mine before me xx

OP posts:

LovelyJubblee · 28/05/2019 19:50

I had my mum there when I had emergency c section. Husband came down to hospital when labour was switched to emergency. He is badly needle phobic (faints) so didn't want him in the room at all during birth.

My mum ensured the baby didn't see anyone but me first and kept out of eyeline. Obviously first people to see baby were the surgeon and his team.

Baby was wrapped in blanket when passed to me.

We have a fabulous bond

Oswin · 28/05/2019 19:51

Absolutely you aren't being unreasonable.

That he thinks that his family should be able to hold your baby before you is ridiculous.

Original poster

Loulablake · 28/05/2019 19:51

I didn’t know that could be done but thank you, sorry for the confusion, I’ll get better at explaining I’m sure. When we tried to have that chat he just shot it down, and said well my mum can’t be there either. I only wanted him to wait till I came round xx

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 28/05/2019 19:51

No I think OP is saying she’d be fine with her DP and her mum being with the baby while she’s still unconscious but no one else I.e. his mum, sister and brother so in that case he thinks her mum should wait too.

First off, I don’t think it’s in anyway unreasonable to want to meet your own baby ahead of the baby’s aunties, uncles and grandparents and to the PP who said it really doesn’t matter.
It bloody would to me and I’d gutted if that had happened to me plus for what it’s worth, with the help of one MW I caught my own baby as she was born recently so no, loads of people did not see my baby before me.

OP if you need to be put under, your mum may not be able to be with you as I think only 1 person is with you so I’d suggest that you agree with DP that all extended family will wait to meet baby until you have come round and feel comfortable seeing everyone. Which may end up being the next day as you will need some time in those circumstances.

chickhonhoneybabe · 28/05/2019 19:52

You need to speak to the midwife looking after to you in labour. Usual practice after a GA (where I work) is the woman is woken after the cesarean and taken to recovery, and the birth partner looks after the baby until the woman has come round from the GA. No visitors are allowed until the woman is out of recovery and back on the ward, this includes no visitors to see the baby until the woman consents and is back on the ward. ANY CONCERNS NEED RI BE RAISED WITH THE MIDWIFE LOOKING AFTER YOU

EmrysAtticus · 28/05/2019 19:52

You are not remotely unreasonable to say that until you have seen baby only your partner and your mum (plus medical staff) are allowed to!!!!

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