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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum with me when I’m in Labor

49 replies

Loulablake · 28/05/2019 19:22

Please help me I’ll try keep it short, I’m pregnant and had a really tough time getting here 3 mmc and now I’m on tinzaparin progesterone and now an issue with my heart. I’ve been told Labor will be complicated and I’ll be induced. I want my mum there and my partner when I deliver. (Partner was fine with this) until they said I might be put to sleep. I’ve tried to say to him if that’s the case I don’t want anyone else to see the baby until I come round I can’t bare the the thought of being the 5th or 6th person. He’s said well if that’s the case your mum can’t be there either. How can I make him see I want her their for me. We’re catholic and it’s important to me that a priest is call should me or the baby need it. But also I’ve had 15 infections from the mmc and my mum was my rock. Please help AIBU

OP posts:

MILLYmo0se · 28/05/2019 19:53

I think the OP is saying she DOES want her mum and OH there regardless, but if she gets a GA she doesnt want all her inlaws getting to see the baby before her. Her OH is saying if a GA or complications are involved it isnt fair for her mum to get to see and hold the baby immediately after birth while his parents have to wait for however many hours it is before the OP is recovered enough to see the baby....I think??!

TillyTheTiger · 28/05/2019 19:54

I see what you're saying OP, and I agree with you. You need your Mum and partner there for support because you're the one going through childbirth. Your partner does not need his mother, sister or brother 'on standby' because he's not the one giving birth. If it takes a couple of hours after the birth before you get to see your baby it seems right that your partner should be the one to look after the baby until that point, give skin to skin etc, but that other family shouldn't be allowed to meet the baby until you have. But he's saying if that's the case, you shouldn't be allowed the support of your Mum during labour, because then she'll also see the baby before his family?
It's totally up to you who you have there - I had my Mum and husband during labour and couldn't have managed without either - it took forever and they made an awesome team. Stick to your guns on this one, you need your Mum.

Commencaal · 28/05/2019 19:57

My mum ensured the baby didn't see anyone but me first and kept out of eyeline.

Absolute overkill

boobirdblue · 28/05/2019 19:58

I can see your DPs point about it being a bit unfair that your DM would be able to see the baby before you wake, but not his DPs.

I disagree.. as she is the one having the operation she should have a say on who she wants there as she might trust her mum to make decisions on her behalf... it’s not about the baby... it’s her body and she is unconscious. *

It's 100 percent about the baby! She doesn't want her husband the child's father to see the baby and only trusts her mum?

FFS he's the child's father, they made the child together?

OP you are wrong the child's father should be with the child, I cannot understand why you can't trust him?

chickhonhoneybabe · 28/05/2019 19:59

Also where I work 1 birth partner can stay with the woman once she’s in recovery, it will take you a while to come round from the GA so they will need to look after the baby. No one can visit until you’re back on the ward and you consent to it, and the birth partner has to stay with you and baby, they are not allowed to walk around with the baby outside of the woman’s room so there shouldn’t be any issues with other family members seeing the baby before you.

mightskys · 28/05/2019 19:59

I was put to sleep when I had my DC. No one was allowed in except for doctors and nurses.

When I came round I was in recovery and the baby was asleep next to me. DH was waiting in the delivery room. When I was awake myself and the baby were taken to the delivery room where we met DH. So, apart from doctors and nurses I was the first to see DC. After a while we were allowed visitors.

Might it be worth speaking to the midwives to find out what the process will be if you were put to sleep?

boobirdblue · 28/05/2019 19:59

My mum ensured the baby didn't see anyone but me first and kept out of eyeline.

Absolute overkill*

Totally overkill! Did you not let the child's father see him?

Sparklybanana · 28/05/2019 20:04

I definitely didn’t want my mum there and then labour started and that went out the window. My mum and my dh were an excellent team and if one of them wanted a rest ( then I still had the other. It made it more fun (for them) and it was excellent for me. They still laugh at me snapping at them both for different reasons (perfectly valid reasons!) and I think my mums presence actually calmed my husband down. Go for it. If you feel more comfortable then that’s your choice entirely. The more the merrier.
Scratch that last sentence....

Passthecherrycoke · 28/05/2019 20:04

I had a GA birth and it was exactly as chickhonhoneybabe described- baby was taken out to my husband for skin to skin. If my mum had been there I guess she would’ve met baby too but I’m not sure she would’ve been allowed in recovery.

I stayed in recovery for 24 hours and was told the only way my mum could visit is if she stayed only 5 minutes.

However YANBU to ensure that no one else meets baby before you, but as chickhonhoneybabe describes, I don’t think that would happen. You’ll be brought round fairly quickly (I had a PPh which needed fixing and high BP and it was still
Only about 45 minutes after she was born) and then the baby will be all yours!

IABUQueen · 28/05/2019 20:05

boobirdblue I didn’t mention babies father.. in talking about her partners parents not being comparable to her mother. OP clarified she does want her partner to see the baby. Just not relatives and that her mum is an exception which so reasonable

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 28/05/2019 20:06

I think the best thing in this scenario would be to say that if all goes well then people other than your birthing partners are welcome to come as soon as you feel ready (as soon as you’re in recovery for example if that’s what you and your partner feel comfortable with.)

If you do end up going under a general then I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say no one is allowed to visit until YOU are ready.
Perhaps you could have this arrangement; in the event you have a GA baby goes straight to Dad for skin to skin time and your Mum is on standby to be with you when you come to. (This is assuming there is a chance your baby might need some extra care in SCBU for example so it would mean your partner wouldn’t have to leave baby but you wouldn’t have to be alone when you come to.)
I think if you go under a GA I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say you might need a bit more time before you’re ready for other visitors. Speaking as someone whose first child was born under GA I was quite spaced out for the rest of the day and to be honest I was still very tired from the GA and slept a lot of the afternoon. Although I met DC a few hours after the birth I wasn’t able to hold them properly until the next day because I was too groggy and shaky. We didn’t have any family until the next day because I physically wasn’t in a position to feel comfortable with visitors but our family all respected this.

Ultimately what it comes down to is YOU are the patient and although it is both yours and your partner’s baby there shouldn’t be this power struggle over who sees the baby first and quite frankly his family should be able to understand that you having your Mum there is so that she can support you and not some ridiculous attempt to make her the ‘favourite granny’

chickhonhoneybabe · 28/05/2019 20:07

I agree with mightskys speak to the labour ward and ask them what their policy is re who looks after the baby when the woman has a GA, that way you know what to expect and can speak to the midwife looking after you to ensure no visitors until you’re back on the ward and ready for them - which should be normal practice anyway.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/05/2019 20:08

Write all this down in advance. Hand it to your midwife and ask her to put it in your notes Ask her what the policy is. Your mum is one of your two birth partners and you should say what you want her role to be in the letter. If you don't want other family members barging in too early. Put that in to. Ask your Dh if he was having a complicated personal surgery. Would he like your dad or brother barging in to assist when he's coming out of anasthetic. Also tell your mid wife you don't want anyone to visit baby until you have come round from the op.
Put all your wishes in writing and talk it through with the midwife before you go in. She should be able to set your fears at rest. Very best of luck

chickhonhoneybabe · 28/05/2019 20:11

I’ve said it before but I’ll reiterate... no one can visit until mum is out of recovery and back on the ward and consents to visitors, that includes meeting the baby.

FangsTasticBeast · 28/05/2019 20:17

Yanbu, if you are under a ga then his family should wait until you are awake and feeling well enough for them to come in .

In those circumstances he should be in recovery with you and the baby waiting for you to wake up.

I very much doubt the hospital will be letting all his family in under those circumstances anyway, you will be in recovery, baby will be with you. Not on a ward or wandering round the hospital with your husband meeting people

FangsTasticBeast · 28/05/2019 20:17

Cross post with pp

LovelyJubblee · 28/05/2019 20:18

Yes but he was on the way to hospital and it all happened before he arrived.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 28/05/2019 20:23

I had my first child under a general anaesthetic. She required some special care. I was probably the 20th person to see her. All I cared about was that she made it and was being cared for.

kaytee87 · 28/05/2019 20:28

Now you've explained a bit better it makes sense.
Of course you're not unreasonable in not wanting extended family to visit while you're still recovering and before you've had a chance to meet your baby.

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 28/05/2019 20:43

So many people misunderstanding!

OP wants her partner and her mother at the delivery

If OP has to have an anaesthetic she doesn’t want anyone other than her mum and partner to see the baby until OP has seen the baby

OP’s partner is being difficult about this and has said that if his family can’t see the baby while OP is out, her mum can’t be there either.

OP - your partner is being a dick and can fuck off. You are the one who has to give birth, and only your opinion matters. He can, frankly, like it or lump it.

Idlikeabunchofbananasplease · 28/05/2019 20:48

First of all when the baby comes out it's not about you any more, it's what's best for baby. What's best for baby is bonding with its father you will have plenty of time, a life time hopefully of cuddles and love. Stop trying to micro manage everything. It may not happen that you have to be sedated etc. Just go with the flow. It doesn't matter how it gets here as long as it's healthy. Try not to worry too much.

Commencaal · 28/05/2019 21:15

If I've understood, your husband doesn't mind your mum supporting you through labour but if you have GA and prohibit anyone other than husband and mum from seeing baby before you do, then he's not happy for your mum to see baby and his mum not. As you'll be under GA there'll be no need for your mum to be there so I can understand his point. She's at that point no longer needed as birthing partner but she's still getting preference over his mum.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 28/05/2019 21:40

My sister had a GA and c section when my niece was born due to her being breach and my sis having a blood clotting disorder. Her husband was in OT when baby was born. Even though my sis was out of it they passed baby straight to her chest and was supported by her DH to have skin to skin while they brought her round. She insisted she wanted skin to skin and they respected that. Once she went to recovery her DH had baby the whole time until she came round. Baby was no with anyone else at any point other than parents. I suppose every case is different with its own complications but you definitely can have someone with you in Ot if you push for it.

LadyRannaldini · 28/05/2019 22:40

If you are starting off your family life by saying that your mother is more important to you than your partner you may come to regret it.

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