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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cancel my wedding

35 replies

Mrswhite777 · 28/05/2019 12:25

New here so will try not to drip feed.
Supposed to be getting married in August to a partner of 5 year. As a couple we are solid but partner mother and family is insisting we call it off because I have anxiety and can sometimes struggle to cope generally day to day. Her reasoning behind this is because she doesn't want her son to have to care for me when I should be looking after him. Also his best man asked last night can he bring a plus one although I made it very clear the deadline was last week for numbers as I needed to pay hotel etc. It's not just a plus one it's my partners gf from school (over 10years ago now) which she sends him quite explicit messages sometimes about her image (gym girl) and pictures.

Although as a couple we are solid, I don't think marriage is for us due to the amount of people against it. And now he is saying I'm stupid for not really want his ex and bm plus one to come.

Someone please assure me this is normal or am I clearly making a stupid mistake

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 28/05/2019 12:27

Her reasoning behind this is because she doesn't want her son to have to care for me when I should be looking after him

well that's obviously buullshit, ignore her. It works both ways, you support each other in a marriage. I take it his mother has quite old fashioned views.

do you want to get married, do you want to marry him? Does he want to marry you?

it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!

as for the Best mans plus one, I would say no and tell DH to be why tbh.

Ravingstarfish · 28/05/2019 12:28

Firstly your job isn’t to care for him. He’s your partner not your child.
Secondly why the hell is he in contact with a woman sending him images like that?
Thirdly it’s your wedding and it’s up to you who goes, it’s not your fault he missed the deadline for plus one.
Fourthly why is your partner not sticking up for you?!

I think you should call it off because you deserve a hell of a lot better.

Snowfalling · 28/05/2019 12:31

Your anxiety is no doubt caused by your disrespectful partner who calls you stupid and continues to be friends with this attention seeker of an ex. Also your dp family sound controlling. Please consider ending this relationship, nothing here will get better, it will in fact get worse.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 28/05/2019 12:33

Personally I would let his dm and ex fight over him.
He isn't worth your anxiety op..
Did you have anxiety before you met him btw?

Original poster
Mrswhite777 · 28/05/2019 12:35

Yes HD anxiety from teen years but he knew before hand as we were good friends before getting together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrswhite777 · 28/05/2019 12:35

Had**

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 12:36

Twatty partner who calls you stupid for not wanting his ex at your wedding and is ok with said ex sending him explicit pics (WTF?!)

A MIL who is dismissive of your anxiety and basically thinks your role is going to be to look after her son while actively supporting her son not to make any effort for you.

Yes, call it off!!! Sounds like you're about to marry into a total bunch of idiots and no, you are not 'solid' if he's happily receiving pics from his ex.

Original poster
Mrswhite777 · 28/05/2019 12:38

He has told her to stop which she did but then resulted in her tagging him and other men into her pictures. (sorry should have made that clear)

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 28/05/2019 12:39

A man who needs his ego stroked like this will soon be wanting stroked in other areas imo.
You can do better op.

herculepoirot2 · 28/05/2019 12:41

Your partner’s mum’s opinio ? Tell her to shove it up her arse.

Your partner’s ex sending him explicit images? Is that what is actually happening, or is she tagging him in gym shots? Not appropriate, but not exactly as it sounded in the OP. Say no, she can’t come, and tell your DP he isn’t going to call you stupid anymore or you’ll be marrying someone else.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/05/2019 12:41

Hang on, his ex is still sending him explicit texts!? Am I understanding that right? Massive NO right there.

His Mother sounds a bit batshit, surely you're supposed to look after each other?

If you want to get married, just run off and do it in private. Although to be honest if my fiancee told me I was 'stupid' for not wanting his ex at our wedding, there probably wouldn't be one.

Original poster
Mrswhite777 · 28/05/2019 12:43

Sorry she still sends him explicit messages. She used to send him pictures but he said stop so now the messages continue but pictures are tagged instead of sent privately.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/05/2019 12:45

That is weird and massively disrespectful of you.

Does her current boyfriend not mind? Confused

herculepoirot2 · 28/05/2019 12:46

Explicit? On her social media?

Original poster
Mrswhite777 · 28/05/2019 12:46

Her partner is my partners best friend, and as far as I'm aware he does not care but he is as attention seeking as she is

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrswhite777 · 28/05/2019 12:50

Messages through text but pictures on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and used to be snap chat. Pictures are usually of her with no clothes on but in a manner that is sexual but not inappropriate for social media (stuff is covered just about) therefore she is able to post it on her profile.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 28/05/2019 12:54

She sounds awful, but your DP doesn’t have that much control over what she tags him in. Unless he deletes her, but that would affect his friendship.

ChuckleBuckles · 28/05/2019 13:09

I agree with the MIL here OP. You absolutely SHOULD walk away from this wedding. These people are all dickheads and you deserve so much better. At this point you have two choices, stay and have these people dictate every aspect of your life and continue to disrespect you at all turns or leave and have a life of peace where loved ones don't name call and mistreat you.

HaveNoSocks · 28/05/2019 13:14

I don't think I'd want to have a big wedding under those circumstances. I might still marry my DP privately but it would on how he reacted to all these other people. He should put his parents straight - he loves you and wants to support you and they should but out. He should ask this woman to stop tagging him/sending him sexual images as he doesn't like it. If his best mate dicks about with his plus one he should be the one to either add someone on to the booking or tell best man sorry but no.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/05/2019 13:21

Your fiancé is telling you you’re stupid for not wanting a woman to attend your wedding, who sends him explicit messages. Now if it were the best man and your fiancé had said no to the ex, he’d maybe have a point.... however calling you stupid isn’t very nice. But no way should he condone this.

I’m not surprised you’re having second thoughts. Your mil thinks you’re marrying a child, not an adult.

Is your fiance generally supportive of your anxiety?

IHateUncleJamie · 28/05/2019 13:25

Several different issues here. One is your future MIL dismissing your anxiety and thinking that you should be looking after your DP. You look after each other, simple as. Is there a cultural issue here, or is your MIL stuck in the 1950s?

What does your DH say in response to his Mother?

It’s not unreasonable for the BM to want to bring a plus one so if you can sort that with the hotel I probably would. If it’s too late, just tell him that. It’s tough and he should have let you know before the deadline.

Your DH needs to block this woman on social media. He doesn’t need to make a big deal out of it but if she kicks off then he needs to tell her firmly that tagging him in naked pics of her is completely unacceptable so she either stops it now or she stays blocked. Her choice.

It is possible to have a happy marriage when one or both sets of parents are a nightmare/don’t like you BUT for it to work you both have to put yourself as a couple and each other firmly in first place and stand up for each other. If your DP is not willing to do this with his DM and this “friend” then I would cancel or at least postpone the wedding.

HollowTalk · 28/05/2019 13:27

I would happily leave the lot of them behind - in fact you wouldn't see me for dust.

ZiggyZagZog · 28/05/2019 13:30

What Hollow said ^^

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/05/2019 13:39

YANBU.
Cancel it, call it off and consider whether you really want to stay with him, when his family all seem to despise you and his best mate thinks it's ok to bring an old girlfriend of your partner's along, one whose own insecurity is so fucking massive that she has to send dirty pics of herself to every bloke she knows.

Not surprised you suffer from anxiety when all that's going on and your other half then calls you stupid!

Far from stupid.
Call it off, call it a day - cut him free.

Fraxion · 28/05/2019 13:44

Instagram, Twitter, Facebook

Why hasn't he blocked her, that would be the simple solution. Sorry OP, you deserve much better and I'm not surprised you have anxiety with that lot as in-laws to be.

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