Or is DH?

[noisyfarm]

I will try to keep this as brief as I can.

After my first baby was born, I developed post-natal anxiety. I had never had anxiety in my life before. It was following a three day, absolutely horrendous birth where we were both left injured, then my baby not being able to feed, then him having silent reflux to the point he was under the paediatricians at hospital for months, then him having another health condition where he needed medication but could only be given it if he ate well - which he rarely did because of the SR. It all culminated in basically much of the first year of his life I barely left the house with him apart from medical appointments and the odd family visit and I spent my days getting him to feed bit by bit by bit and medicating him.

By the time he was better (he's fine now) and I could do all of the things we'd normally do, I struggled. Just after his first birthday I was referred for counselling and I was lucky enough to see someone on the NHS for nine months. The counsellor said it was PNA, but situational - if I'd have had a different experience chances are I'd have been fine.

Anyway. I'm better now. I still have a wobble occasionally but 99% of the time I'm fine. I had a second baby nearly 11 months ago, completely different experience. Easy birth (ELCS), easy recovery, easy baby, no health issues. Eats like a horse. You get the picture.

I am a lot more in control this time around. I just say no to things that I don't want to do rather than let myself be cajoled into things that I later regret. By the by though, we're out and about a fair bit and life is basically normal.

Eldest child has recently started playgroup and is struggling a bit. I'm a sahm and he's never been left with anyone except grandparents before so I wasn't expecting it to be an instant settling thing. The playgroup have said he finds transitions hard and that they find him to be an anxious child who needs an adult with him a lot. He's only just three. I've agreed with them to reduce his hours a bit to see if it helps and gradually increase them.

DH and I had a disagreement yesterday. 3 year old was having a tantrum (just a normal toddler strop) and he wasn't dealing with it very well. After I asked him to go away to take five minutes and let me deal with it he snapped at me, and said randomly, that she was taking after me, that I had anxiety and now she's got it. She sees/has seen 'my behaviour' and she's got it from me apparently.

I let it go at the time as we were all a bit fraught (toddler was being a pest) but later before we went to bed I told him I thought it was an awful thing to say, that I was hurt and that I wanted him to think about what he'd said and how stupid it was. Got up this morning expecting him to have slept on it and apologise, but no. He said he's sorry for the way he said it but basically he seems to think our child has somehow 'caught' anxiety from me and that as a result it's my fault he's struggling to settle at playgroup.

I am furious, hurt and quite shocked at his sheer ignorance. As I said, I have the odd wobble here and there where I have to pull myself together and crack on with something that makes me nervous and I'm much better at just saying no if I think it warrants it this time around. It's not often though.

He's gone off to work today with me telling him to do some bloody research. I was ill, because of a shitty set of circumstances and it's my weakest moment. He's basically using it a stick to beat me with, it feels. But it's shaken me, and now I'm wondering if he's got a point and if I'm making my child anxious without meaning to.

Thoughts?

What he said was hurtful and I can see why you're upset. But, in his defence, he's right that anxiety can be 'learned behavior'. Children learn how to react to situations from their parents so it's only natural that DC might be a bit anxious. But it's not the end of the world, there are lots of things you can both do now to help them settle in and not reinforce the behaviors and coping mechanisms.

YANBU your child had a very poor start in life due to trauma and illness and you are doing really well the way you are integrating DC into nursery.
Your husband is beine a massive manchild and needs to get a grip.

I think the fact your eldest is 3yo and has never been left with anyone other than grandparents isn't helping. Of course she is going to be anxioys away from you, but thats not all on you, obviously your partner has been involved in thst decision.

When your dd is at home with you, do you encouage her to play on her own or are you always there? Does she spend time with other kids her age? Do you take her to softplay and let her run around by herself?

I’d say that actually your husband is correct and it’s highly likely your child has picked up in this - they pick up in everything we do! However he should be supporting you and children better and not blaming you in anyway.
You are clearly doing the very best you can and sound like a great mum - we all wound our children in one way or another no matter how hard we try not to!
It sounds like he’s the one that could do with some work on himself on how to be a better father and husband

YANBU for being upset, that must have been difficult to hear and it sounds as though your DH said what he said impulsively in a stressful moment so it probably didn't come out very well. Mid-toddler tantrum is not the time for these conversations! In the gentlest way possible, there may be some truth to what he's saying, although it probably wasn't said in a sensitive or constructive way. I worked in Child and Adolescent Mental Health for many years and it is a true that anxiety can be "learned" in early childhood. A child can "pick up" on a parents anxiety in their early years and that this can lead to them becoming anxious themselves. It's absolutely nobodies "fault" and is no reflection on you or your ability as a parent, you didn't ask to have PNA, it was just horrible luck and you are clearly working with the preschool to address your DC's anxieties about separating from you. Lots of children struggle to settle in at preschool and some separation anxiety at this age is common, especially if the child is used to spending the vast majority of their time being cared for on a one to one basis by the same person. But if the staff have identified that anxiety is an issue for your DC then I would utilise their skills and experience and take their advice on board. Your child is very young, so there is plenty of time to support her to develop healthy coping strategies for managing anxious thoughts and feelings before starting school. See if you can find any preschool yoga classes in your area, yoga is great for helping kids to manage their worries and frustrations. There are also some great Mindfulness and relaxation resources for kids on YouTube.

I think he is right. Children do pick up on your behaviour. I think you owe him an apology.

There is probably some truth in what he said as a difficult start with a mum suffering from anxiety is bound to affect a child. However I think you are right in saying he was just using this as a way to punish you for criticising him when he was mishandling the tantrum.

You are better now and with some gentle introduction to nursery and school your dc will be most likely to improve and gain confidence. As he sees you feeling more confident and gains new experience he will overcome any problems and there is no reason he shouldn't do fine in the future.

I expect your husband said this on purpose to hurt you as he knows it something that would bother you.

I think he is right. Children do pick up on your behaviour. I think you owe him an apology.

Bullshit. Even if he sincerely believes this to be true, there’s no excuse for saying it in an accusatory way at a difficult moment. OP has every right to be hurt that instead of sharing his concerns in a supportive and productive way, he used them to blame her. The only one who should be apologising is him, and that’s true even if he sincerely believes that their daughter has picked up on OP’s anxiety.

I think you've been through an extremely tough situation with your first and absolutely everyone would have suffered anxiety in that situation. However there might be some truth in what your husband says. You've said you suffered from anxiety before and I do think anxiety runs in families (not so much learned behaviour but genetic). In my family my grandmother, my father, my brother, myself and my son are all anxious people. When I saw my son struggle at nursery (exactly like yours), at school and generally being a real worrier I knew he'd inherited the family trait! He was diagnosed with selective mutism at nursery which is an anxiety disorder and they told us often the parents and grandparents of these children are anxious people. I don't believe my son is observing anxious behaviour in me and copying it. On the surface I'm extremely calm. I frequently get told I'm the calmest person in the world! My anxiety is all hidden beneath. I believe our family anxiety is genetic, it's just the way we're wired. Our nervous systems are super sensitive. There's not much you can do if your child is anxious except love them and try to build their confidence (which I'm sure you're doing). It's just a personality trait like any other. Despite being very anxious I've had a wonderfully happy life and my little boy is also very happy so don't worry.

The problems I had was when he was a baby. I've been fine and functioning normally for ages now.

Yes only left with grandparents, but not sure who else I'd leave him with? I'm a sahm so no need for childcare in the week so he's been left on occasion with the GPs if I needed to go out or if DH and I go out for dinner etc but not sure who else/why I'd leave him? He's probably left once a month with them. He's quite happy with GPs (both sets), he sees them all regularly and never gives a backwards glance when we leave. We don't have other family that can babysit.

I did used to take him to a weekly stay and play session when I was pregnant. He did need me to be with him a lot, but he was only 2-2.5 ish so I thought that was quite normal, most of the children were similar apart from the older ones.

DH takes him to soft play, (I hate soft play, seventh circle of hell!) but again he's always wanted Dad close by. He goes swimming too.

He doesn't play well with the other children, no. He wants to be with an adult most of the time.

He loves his sibling. Plays beautifully, and has never once been mean/jealous/rough at all.

By the way, my little girl is not at all anxious. She's supremely confident. It doesn't always get passed on!

Also in my OP I said I'd never had anxiety before baby, not that I had.

Sorry OP I misread that!! In that case I don't understand what your husband means.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough start to things. I think he was BU to say it the way he did but to a certain extent he's right in what he's saying. I think you can tell a child with an anxious parent a mile off, it can be learned behaviour.
That's not to say that you've done anything wrong or that you're a bad parent, you aren't but children pick up on their parents' stress levels and anxieties without you realising.
When I'm stressed or worried about anything even when I think I'm doing a marvellous job of hiding it, my kids stick to me like glue until they're sure I'm feeling better. They just know.

To be fair to both of you.

Of course it's deeply upsetting to think your child may be struggling due to your behaviour. No one wants to hear that. You're not unreasonable to be upset.

On the flip side. Your husband will have some insight here and anxiety, clinginess can be a learned behaviour and if your child has seldom been without you then potentially he has a point.

Of course how he phrased it is poor and not ok, but possibly he snapped. Only you can say if this is the norm for him.

Both of you need to communicate better. Him in articulating the problem he sees, and you in hearing what he's telling you. Both of you to see the others point of view and treat each other with care.

I know you are almost entirely recovered OP but I do think someone who has longterm anxiety can be a good parent. Like any parent with a health problem they may face challenges and need some support, but they can still do a great job of parenting.

Agree that it can be learned behaviour. Your husband was not nice to say it in the way he did but then you didn't like the way he was trying to handle a tantrum and sent him away which isnt the right thing to do either.

well, I don't know about the not leaving him with anybody but grandparents, we have been the same with ours, and the youngest didn't go to childcare at all, straight to school.

Neither has any issues with being left, and both have a good circle of friends, in fact, the eldest is a proper social butterfly.

Not sure you can infer anxiety follows from never having been left, I think it's more complicated than that.

I didn't like the way he was trying to handle a tantrum because he was getting cross, and I didn't want him to lose his rag and shout, which he ended up doing. I hate shouting, it's unnecessary and doesn't solve anything. Child gets told off if he's naughty of course but I don't shout.

DH isn't much of a shouter either not really but he struggles to deal with tantrums. It's normal little child behaviour (we only get about one a week) but he find it so hard. There's no logic or reasoning to it and he can't 'fix' it. I don't really find it hard because I'm here 24/7 and it's water off a ducks back to me. We've previously said the best thing for him to do is walk away, take a breath, then come back.

So I said to him to take five minutes to calm down and let me handle it for a bit. He wasn't 'sent away' I was trying to support and help him.

YANBU I think he's being an insensitive . I had PND and also suffer from anxiety. If my husband said that to be (he never would!) I'd be horrified and seriously questioning my relationship. He should be supporting you not criticising you. He owes you a huge apology. (My children aren't anxious btw and children of parents without anxiety often struggle to settle into childcare!)

So what if it is learned behaviour? You had a crap time post birth, your child may or may not have learned behaviours stemming from your anxiety. You overcame them and now you're helping your child in the best way you can. There's really nothing to blame you for.

He's lashing out because of his lack of empathy and inability to deal with toddler tantrums.

I do wonder @nimski if his attitude would be the same if it's been PND not PNA. I mean it's a similar illness. As I said the counsellor said mine had a clear root cause based on our circumstances, and that there is a difference between 'unfounded' (for want of a better word) PNA and what happened with me. I defy most people not to be anxious when faced with what we had to deal with. It was an extremely worrying, lonely, isolating time. He went out to work every weekday day 7-7, still played sport one evening and one day at the weekend. I did nothing but care for the baby. I did leave him once or twice during that first year with DH to have dinner with friends etc but for a couple of hours at most.

He always said I could have left him more, with him, during that time. Technically I could have I suppose but I struggled so much, plus I was basically the only one who could get him fed 99% of the time. Any normal baby that wouldn't be an issue - they miss a feed so be it and with baby number 2 that's my attitude (though that baby wouldn't miss food coming their way if their life depended on it no matter who was giving it!). My baby couldn't have his medication if he missed a feed so I was stuck.

I think I found it very hard also to have given up a well paid career in management where I was used to being in charge and in control to being stuck at home with a sick baby with basically no control over my own life. It was entirely my choice to be a sahm and I don't regret it - and in any case there's no way I could have put DS into childcare even if I had planned to go back to work - but it was a much bigger life adjustment than I was expecting. DHs life didn't change nearly as much.

I feel like I've fought so hard to overcome everything and have really settled in to my new role with two children and have done my best to get back to normal, even if it is a new version of normal. Now we're faced with a new challenge with child number 1, which I'm trying to solve as best I can but apparently it's my fault regardless.

It's not a nice feeling.

Really shitty thing to bring up and throw in your face. He sounds quite manipulative actually, he's wrong footing you so you'll constantly be second guessing yourself. It smacks of 'don't dare criticise me'.

You were ill, you did the very best you could for your child in those circumstances and continue to do so. I would be careful going forward to nip thse behaviours in the bud or they could lead to your anxiety returning. Which of course then would be another stick to beat you with.

Is this the loving relationship you want or how you would treat him if the situation were reversed?