Or is DH?

[noisyfarm]

I will try to keep this as brief as I can.

After my first baby was born, I developed post-natal anxiety. I had never had anxiety in my life before. It was following a three day, absolutely horrendous birth where we were both left injured, then my baby not being able to feed, then him having silent reflux to the point he was under the paediatricians at hospital for months, then him having another health condition where he needed medication but could only be given it if he ate well - which he rarely did because of the SR. It all culminated in basically much of the first year of his life I barely left the house with him apart from medical appointments and the odd family visit and I spent my days getting him to feed bit by bit by bit and medicating him.

By the time he was better (he's fine now) and I could do all of the things we'd normally do, I struggled. Just after his first birthday I was referred for counselling and I was lucky enough to see someone on the NHS for nine months. The counsellor said it was PNA, but situational - if I'd have had a different experience chances are I'd have been fine.

Anyway. I'm better now. I still have a wobble occasionally but 99% of the time I'm fine. I had a second baby nearly 11 months ago, completely different experience. Easy birth (ELCS), easy recovery, easy baby, no health issues. Eats like a horse. You get the picture.

I am a lot more in control this time around. I just say no to things that I don't want to do rather than let myself be cajoled into things that I later regret. By the by though, we're out and about a fair bit and life is basically normal.

Eldest child has recently started playgroup and is struggling a bit. I'm a sahm and he's never been left with anyone except grandparents before so I wasn't expecting it to be an instant settling thing. The playgroup have said he finds transitions hard and that they find him to be an anxious child who needs an adult with him a lot. He's only just three. I've agreed with them to reduce his hours a bit to see if it helps and gradually increase them.

DH and I had a disagreement yesterday. 3 year old was having a tantrum (just a normal toddler strop) and he wasn't dealing with it very well. After I asked him to go away to take five minutes and let me deal with it he snapped at me, and said randomly, that she was taking after me, that I had anxiety and now she's got it. She sees/has seen 'my behaviour' and she's got it from me apparently.

I let it go at the time as we were all a bit fraught (toddler was being a pest) but later before we went to bed I told him I thought it was an awful thing to say, that I was hurt and that I wanted him to think about what he'd said and how stupid it was. Got up this morning expecting him to have slept on it and apologise, but no. He said he's sorry for the way he said it but basically he seems to think our child has somehow 'caught' anxiety from me and that as a result it's my fault he's struggling to settle at playgroup.

I am furious, hurt and quite shocked at his sheer ignorance. As I said, I have the odd wobble here and there where I have to pull myself together and crack on with something that makes me nervous and I'm much better at just saying no if I think it warrants it this time around. It's not often though.

He's gone off to work today with me telling him to do some bloody research. I was ill, because of a shitty set of circumstances and it's my weakest moment. He's basically using it a stick to beat me with, it feels. But it's shaken me, and now I'm wondering if he's got a point and if I'm making my child anxious without meaning to.

Thoughts?

It sounds like you just have a sensitive little boy who isn't used to being without you just yet - nothing wrong with that. It just needs a bit of adjustment period. When my DS was at preschool and then starting school, there were always kids who took longer to get used to being left and were a bit upset at first.

It just seems really pointless, entirely unneccessary and even cruel for your DH to try and "blame" your child's distress on you when
a) even if it was (which I think is much less likely than personality/situational factors) then there's nothing you can do about it now!
b) you'll never know for 100% sure anyway
c) there are loads of children who suffer from separation anxiety on first being away from their primary carer when there hasn't been any parental anxiety involved.

@Starlight39 He started in January, did just 3 mornings first term and then after Easter we tried to do 15 hours in line with him getting his funding (3days). So he's been going a while now which is why they've shown concern I think.

DH will be home from work soon and I'm still cross. I haven't heard a peep from him all day (he'd normally ring or text at some point to see how the children are and if we're having a good day) so we will see what he's like when he gets home. Incidentally they've been perfectly behaved all day today and both gone to bed and to sleep with zero fuss. Like little angels the pair of them you'd never believe they could be worrisome pests on days like today.

I disagree with people saying your husband is right. Little children are always anxious in a change of circumstance which is why they say to expect regression of you move house, lose a grandparent, even go on holiday. That includes a new playgroup.

You sound so healthy and balanced by your posts, I can see why you might feel unsupported or undermined by your DH, but I don't suppose he means for that to be the case. He probably truly believes what he's saying and it could be you might have to both agree to disagree on this one and let it go, even though it's always much nicer to have the perfect outcome of agreeing with each other.

The best thing you can do for a child who feels clingy is to be there for them so they can feel more confident to leave you and explore the world away from you again. Go with your instinct on that one. You'll always get people who agree with you and those who don't, which is why you need to follow what you think with the knowledge you have coupled with your instincts.

You don't owe your DH an apology, but he probably doesn't owe you one either. You just see it differently and both of you are entitled to do just that.

I have three kids and I never had PND or PNA.

Two of my children were very confident and happy to be left in new situations. One was so anxious that the pre-school staff recommended I take her out of pre-school for a year and try again when she was older.

Really @bliminy? Did you ever get to the bottom of why, or solve the issue? Or was it just the case of them not being ready?

Did you ever get to the bottom of why, or solve the issue? Or was it just the case of them not being ready?

She just was a very different character to my other two - she was always clingy from the start, and going to pre-school when she hadn't long turned 2 was just too much for her.

Instead I kept her home for another year and we ventured out to various activities, but often she would still just sit on my lap.

When she was 3 I took her to a different nursery, where she had a keyworker who I would hand her over to, and who would sit with her on her lap and read a story to her while everyone else dropped off their children. By the end of that year she was much more confident but still not really ready for school.

We then moved to the US which meant she had another year of not having to go to school yet, so I found a super-caring cooperative nursery where she did 3 mornings a week and loved it.

She then really struggled with going to school for a few years - she'd be OK once she was there, but she'd be so nervous before school that she'd throw up, so we never insisted she ate breakfast, and we just asked her teachers to be gentle and bear in mind she was anxious.

The turning point was around age 12/13, when she had a few teachers who completely brought her out of her shell and built her confidence (because we're in the US she was still in middle school at this point, so they aren't at the point of being thrown into a huge school with lots and lots of different teachers, so a few teachers can still make a huge difference).

She's now nearly 16, and quietly confident. She's not hugely outgoing but she copes with new situations without any problems. She's probably the child I feel most confident about sending out into a tough world.