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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading lunch tomorrow?

67 replies

Tillygetsit · 27/05/2019 23:23

I have a friend who I met several years ago when I was going through a pretty hard time. She was very kind to me and we saw each other often after that. Then she got religion and was confirmed. I went to her confirmation. During it, she had to tell the congregation about something good she had done. She told them about how she had helped me which would be fine if it wasnt for the fact she really over egged it. I was according to her practically destitute and suicidal, had no friends and she'd basically swept me up from the gutter and saved me. This was a gross exaggeration and I was mightily pissed off with her for a while. I told her how I felt and she just brushed it off. Since then I've had another baby and she is desperate to meet her so I've relented and arranged to have lunch with her tomorrow with my dd. I am dreading it and can feel myself getting stressed already. We have totally opposite views on politics Brexit etc and she thinks she has the high ground due to her relationship with God. In the past I have redecorated her house, lent her clothes etc so it's not all one sided. We used to be close and that makes me feel sad. Would you go?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/05/2019 23:26

But you've already agreed to go haven't you?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 27/05/2019 23:27

No! She humiliated you, she also lied to her congregation and minister, not sure that's a good thing...
I do like your phrasing 'she got religion', lives it's herpes or something 😁

converseandjeans · 27/05/2019 23:28

I would find an excuse not to go.

Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2019 23:33

I told her how I felt and she just brushed it off

Is this how someone who cares about you behaves? She sounds self-centred and if you don’t want to be her friend then you should stop seeing her.

sucresugar · 27/05/2019 23:34

Cancel as you've got d and v

user1473878824 · 27/05/2019 23:34

Cancel. Fuck her.

JellySlice · 27/05/2019 23:39

About the way she described helping you, put yourself in her shoes. How awkward and embarrassing to have to talk about yourself in front of the congregation. Perhaps she felt that what she had actually done was not good enough, and over-egged it in her discomfort.

I have - had! - a good friend whom I lost to religion when they became borne-again. I tried to keep the relationship going, but it seemed that we lost what we had in common. A few years later, it happened again, with another friend. This time I learned from my experience and did not let all our ties fall away. We spoke maybe twice a year, but it was enough to maintain the connection, and our friendship resumed several years later, when their religious fervour had calmed down a little and they were ready to accept non-believers back into their life. We still had what we had had in common, and their religiousness became just another facet.

So, do you genuinely want to restore your friendship, or are you ready to move on? Whichever it is, be honest with yourself.

Chilledout11 · 27/05/2019 23:39

Cancel

flumpybear · 27/05/2019 23:48

Yes I'd cancel if you feel very strongly that you don't want to go

janetforpresident · 27/05/2019 23:52

I would probably go but be firm and speak up if she says anything to hurt or belittle you. Her faith is supposed to make her more self reflective so it may actually do her some good to be told what she is doing wrong.

Then you can make a firm decision whether you want to continue the relationship and close the book if you feel you want to.

PickAChew · 27/05/2019 23:56

If you go, leave as soon as she starts to be a pain in the arse.

Pensy · 28/05/2019 00:15

Why on earth would you spend time with someone like this. Cancel; say you have D&V

Dippypippy1980 · 28/05/2019 00:22

Candela. Life’s too short

Heptapod · 28/05/2019 00:31

Why are you going to meet someone who publicly humiliated you because of her new boyfriend Jesus, and wasn’t even mildly apologetic.

Also, Christians aren’t supposed to boast about the Good Samaritan moments.

Skittlesandbeer · 28/05/2019 00:32

A decade ago I’d have wussed out on the meeting, said we were sick or something.

Nowadays I make a point of being more genuine and assertive. I’d call her and say I was in two minds about meeting up. That I’d been giving it a lot of thought as the lunch drew nearer, and had realised I was still very hurt and shocked at her words during the church service. That I had to admit it had damaged the friendship. Then I’d see if she had anything constructive to say. If not, or if it wasn’t enough, I’d say ‘In which case I think we’d better leave things there, for the moment. I’m open to hearing from you if you have any other thoughts yourself. I do wish you well.’ End of.

Try it, it’s very freeing. Leaves the ball in her court, and you’ve been honest and respectful.

HollowTalk · 28/05/2019 00:33

Or lie about them!

LilQueenie · 28/05/2019 01:04

cancel or go and put her straight if she starts being fake again.

PigletJohn · 28/05/2019 01:19

Take her a bushel, and tell her to put her light under it.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 28/05/2019 01:24

@Skittlesandbeer has it spot on. Tell her! Be totally honest. I wouldn’t want to see her either but don’t make an excuse because she’ll want to reschedule.

Chocmallows · 28/05/2019 01:24

Cancel and say you will be in contact with another date. Then put it off if she contacts you again, slow fade and no-one has additional unnecessary stress. She thinks she did you a massive favour, you know she saw it one-sided.

lhastingsmua · 28/05/2019 01:29

Don’t go - she sounds like a toxic friend, life is much too short to waste on spending time with people who make you feel awful and bring up your past constantly. I’m not being funny but she probably had all those thoughts about you from day 1 (destitute, loner etc) so it was more likely that her true feelings came out rather than ‘she changed’ due to finding religion.

HiJenny35 · 28/05/2019 01:39

So sorry, baby has been sick in the night and we can't make it now.

Life is too short, don't go and continue a friendship that isn't positive in your life. Cancel, don't reorganise, it's not in your or your families best interests to have this woman in your life.

bpirockin · 28/05/2019 01:42

I'm with @Skittlesandbeer tell her that you have been having doubts, and feel that your friendship is not what you thought it was and feel the need to withdraw as you have a new baby and your hands full at the moment.

I love PigletJohn's response, and it does sound as if she is one of those people who feels the need to push others down in an attempt to 'raise' herself up. Nobody needs that.

Original poster
Tillygetsit · 28/05/2019 01:45

Thank you. I've had a really good laugh at some of these comments and others have given me food for thought. I think I'll be adult and go and if it feels uncomfortable I wont go again and say why.

OP posts:
Sophiekingsmanx · 28/05/2019 02:06

No one ever has the high ground! Nobody on this Earth has a higher ground than the other. I fully believe in God and Jesus but I don’t believe that any person should be made to feel obligated to do what they don’t feel comfortable doing. She publicly exaggerated a personal situation of yours without your permission. You need to let her know this (if you haven’t already) If i was you id keep yourself and your innocent little baby away from someone that can be so selfish xxx