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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave? to stay?

44 replies

ironinglady57 · 27/05/2019 22:36

I really don't know what to do, what to think or what to feel. I have no one IRL to talk to about this so would appreciate your views.

I have been with my partner for just shy of five years. We have a daughter together who is under one.

I have suspected (known!) for years that he has a drinking problem. Not the kind where he needs alcohol to function or craving alcohol 24/7 but when he starts drinking he can't stop. Literally nothing will stop him. He doesn't remember anything, doesn't care about anything else going on; he will just carry on until he passes out or there's nowhere else to go.

Last Friday, I was due to go out for dinner with my parents and my daughter. My partner was attending a course with work in the daytime and wouldn't be able to make the dinner. I spoke to him after he finished the course and told me that he was going for one pint and then going home. I reminded him that he didn't have money to spend on drinking (he is supporting us all basically while I'm on maternity) he reassured me that he was having one drink which was complimentary and then going home. I knew this wouldn't happen.

About 9pm he called me and he was still out drinking with colleagues. I told him that I had had a really bad day and was struggling (PND & anxiety). He wanted to discuss the reasons but I said he was sat with a group of colleagues I wasn't going to discuss my personal business if there was a chance people could hear me. He assured me he would be home soon and we could talk then.

Then, nothing. No texts, no phone calls, no contact. Morning came, no sign of him. He was due in work at 9am so I presumed that he had crashed on a friends sofa and gone straight to work. I had a shopping day planned with my Mum and some friends so carried on with my day, calling my partner every so often but no answer.

5:30pm I was at my Mums house and I received a phone call from my partner. I asked where he had been and why I hadn't heard from him. He said he had been asleep all day, he went to work but got sent home for being drunk and in no state to work. He then told me how he had borrowed money from someone to enable him to stay out and carry on drinking. I was absolutely furious about this. The conversation was short and I told him I was staying overnight at my Mums house as I didn't want to see him.

An hour later he sent me a text message to tell me he had a drinking problem, it was ruining his life, he was so ashamed etc and that he had spent the night with another woman (someone he knows through work who I have met and who has met our daughter)

He blames it totally on the drink. He says that he is giving up drinking, will seek whatever help he needs and will do whatever he needs to do to make it right.

My first thought was that I needed to support him to get him better, not just for him but for my daughter. She deserves a good Dad. But as the week as gone on I am feeling worse and worse about it. How can I stay in a relationship with someone I don't trust? Can I spend my life worrying that he is going to drink or go with another woman? He's never physically done anything with another woman before but has sent suggestive texts.

I really don't know what to do for the best. I can't talk to my family as I don't want them to think badly of him, which they will and it will be my daughter that will suffer as they won't have him involved in anything if they knew. I'm embarrassed to talk to my friends as I've been cheated on in the past and I can't believe it's happened again.

What do I do :(

OP posts:
Mummyshark2019 · 27/05/2019 22:46

So sorry this has happened to you. In all honesty, I could not live like this. And by the sounds of it, he would keep on doing it unless he seeks help. But it's not your responsibility to cure hi. He needs to get the help himself. I would end things as I am not sure I could past the cheating.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 27/05/2019 22:47

I think you know what you need to do, it is just going to be hard to actually bite the bullet and do it. This isn't the first time and won't be the last, you know that.

Nearlythere1 · 27/05/2019 22:51

He's using the woe-is-me drinking admission to absolve him of his own guilt for cheating. Leave him. He's already passing himself off as a victim and he's not going to stop. What an absolute arse.

HennyPennyHorror · 27/05/2019 22:54

If he's going to fix himself then he can do it out of your home. You can't feel sorry for someone like that because they will suck the very blood from you.

Could you kick him out and manage the house yourself? Or would you be the one to leave? I'm so sorry you're going through this on your maternity leave.x

Original poster
ironinglady57 · 27/05/2019 23:12

@HennyPennyHorror I'm only receiving maternity allowance so I couldn't manage the house on my own, would hope that he would give some money but wouldn't trust that he would

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 27/05/2019 23:18

No you can't trust or rely on him financially because he's borrowing to drink.
You would be entitled to benefits though. Is the house owned or rented?

PinaColadaPlease · 27/05/2019 23:19

if you really want to try and make this work, tell him you will separate whilst he sorts himself out, that gives him the opportunity to show how serious he is about quitting drink and much he values you.

It sounds as though he sent the text in order for you to forgive his cheating. Action is harder than words.

cake778 · 27/05/2019 23:26

I think you need to judge how seriously he is taking it. What is he reason for the unhealthy drinking?

My DH was a nightmare for a while, but when push came to shove I can say he truly has grown up. He went to therapy and when he talks about his behaviour in the past he clearly understands the effects and where he was going wrong with his thinking. He had a horrible childhood and I really don't think he knew any better. Anyway, I do think people are capable of change - you will know it when you see it. I agree with the other poster - if you can then move out, give him some time but don't hang around forever.

Original poster
ironinglady57 · 27/05/2019 23:31

@HennyPennyHorror it's privately rented. I've never claimed any benefits so not really sure how that all works.

@cake778 that's what I am hoping for but I feel like I've heard it all before. Also getting over cheating is just incomprehensible to me

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2019 23:44

So drunk he didn’t have control of his faculties but he still managed to get an erection and screw someone else?

Plus he’s sent suggestive messages to other women in the past?

Nope.

You’re home, with a baby, suffering from PND and anxiety and he’s out pissing away your family money. What’s the point of this?

Look - having a baby with a man who sexts other women and has had a drinking problem for years isn’t the best choice, but it’s easy to be in denial before children come along.

Staying so he can drag you and your child down further is utterly stupid.

Where can you go? Your mum’s?

Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2019 23:54

I don’t normally do this, but had suspicions.

He does nothing, does he? You do all the parenting, all the household chores and organising, and he does nothing but drink your family money away.

You’re worth more than this. Way more.

Also, what treatment are you getting for your PND? I had/have terrible PND since my baby was about 4 months old - he’s now 15 months. My GP was fantastic and I eventually accepted Sertraline which was a lifesaver.

I hope you’re accepting help, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2019 23:55

I don’t normally do this, but had suspicions meaning I searched previous posts.

Graphista · 28/05/2019 00:09

You're reluctant to tell friends and family because not only will they take against him but you know they'd be right to do so and in all likelihood it's simply confirming what they already thought/have said to you.

Honestly what use is he? He's likely going to lose his job if he doesn't get a fucking grip anyway so not even much use/reliable financially.

I'd also be very surprised if this is the first time he's cheated. I suspect because it was someone known to you his concern was it was likely to get back to you anyway.

You need to

Get a full sti screening
Get good advice on what benefits you're eligible for
Check your rights re your home
TELL PEOPLE you need real life support. His shame is HIS.

CheshireChat · 28/05/2019 00:46

Well, he can always quit drinking by himself and try again with you (if you're willing obviously) afterwards. I also disagree he should get away with blaming the cheating on the alcohol, that's just the cherry on top.

Original poster
ironinglady57 · 28/05/2019 07:33

I know everything that you're all saying is true. It's just hard, I don't want my daughter to suffer because of this. Part of me feels like it will be my fault we are separated if I choose to leave even though it's his actions!

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 28/05/2019 07:37

She will suffer far more if she's allowed to see a man like this as the "ideal partner" which is how girls look at their Mother's partner....they look to that relationship to judge future partners.

Do you want her to end up with someone like him?

Shoxfordian · 28/05/2019 07:43

He's cheated on you and he's an alcoholic waste of space. End the relationship

HaveNoSocks · 28/05/2019 07:56

I don't think I could stay. I'd still support him, but not as his partner.

summerblonde · 28/05/2019 08:11

Hey OP.

I was in a situation very similar to yours. Except my ex had anger issues and they would come out when he was drunk. He was very emotionally abusive towards me. He would come home drink and start and argument. He would absolutely lose the plot.

One thing I learnt was that drink and his needs would always be his number one priority. It didn't matter what I said or did. He was going to do what he wanted regardless.

After one particularly aggressive stand off, where he went for me (didn't actually hit) and got up on the windowsill in our bedroom and threatened to jump saying it would be my fault if he jumped, I kicked him out the next morning and I've never looked back.

Original poster
ironinglady57 · 28/05/2019 08:17

@HaveNoSocks I think that's the way it is going to go.

@summerblonde thank you for your reply. He is like that too, always looking for an argument when drunk!

Thank you all for your replies. It's really helping being able to get my thoughts out x

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 28/05/2019 08:22

He needs to own up to his alcoholism, go to AA, get sober.

You don't need to stay through this process, though you might choose to if he is serious about turning his life around. He can't do it on his own, though, and that is the key. He needs to get actual help, from AA, and he needs to want to change.

summerblonde · 28/05/2019 08:22

@ironinglady57 you don't deserve to live like this OP! I'm all for sticking together through thick and thin, but what about YOU? You're suffering with PND and anxiety and as someone who has has severe anxiety, it's debilitating.

I didn't want my DD growing up to think that ours was a 'normal relationship' and emulating that as she got older. My DD is older than yours. Plus. I didn't want her to see the way her dad spoke to me and thought that was how women (or anyone) are spoken too.

It's not easy, I put up with him for a LONG time before I just thought no. I wasn't happy and I think that exacerbating my anxiety.

ThePants999 · 28/05/2019 08:28

Please remember that you're asking this on Mumsnet, where the cry of "LTB" goes up even when that wasn't the question, and booms deafeningly when it is, regardless of the grounds. You will get a very one-sided view here.

summerblonde · 28/05/2019 08:33

@ThePants999 - i do agree with what you're saying. But honestly staying with someone who has a drink and ego problem is a thankless task.

TheCakeCrusader · 28/05/2019 08:34

This is a toxic relationship- If you and your child have any value to him, he needs to be actively seeking help right now not using lip service.

You don’t even know if he’ll even financially support you- is this really the role model that you want for your daughter?!

This man can’t be trusted and is trying to act like the victim in all of this when if fact, this situation is more detrimental to you and your child.

It’s time to re-evaluate what is really important to keep you and your child emotionally, financially and physically safe.

Right now, staying with this man doesn’t fit any of those criteria.

Start making plans to move on. If your ‘partner’ actually gives a jot, then he’ll get help/ continue to financially support you. If he doesn’t, you’ll be glad that you saw him for what he really is, for both you and your daughter’s future wellbeing.

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