to leave? to stay?

[ironinglady57]

I really don't know what to do, what to think or what to feel. I have no one IRL to talk to about this so would appreciate your views.

I have been with my partner for just shy of five years. We have a daughter together who is under one.

I have suspected (known!) for years that he has a drinking problem. Not the kind where he needs alcohol to function or craving alcohol 24/7 but when he starts drinking he can't stop. Literally nothing will stop him. He doesn't remember anything, doesn't care about anything else going on; he will just carry on until he passes out or there's nowhere else to go.

Last Friday, I was due to go out for dinner with my parents and my daughter. My partner was attending a course with work in the daytime and wouldn't be able to make the dinner. I spoke to him after he finished the course and told me that he was going for one pint and then going home. I reminded him that he didn't have money to spend on drinking (he is supporting us all basically while I'm on maternity) he reassured me that he was having one drink which was complimentary and then going home. I knew this wouldn't happen.

About 9pm he called me and he was still out drinking with colleagues. I told him that I had had a really bad day and was struggling (PND & anxiety). He wanted to discuss the reasons but I said he was sat with a group of colleagues I wasn't going to discuss my personal business if there was a chance people could hear me. He assured me he would be home soon and we could talk then.

Then, nothing. No texts, no phone calls, no contact. Morning came, no sign of him. He was due in work at 9am so I presumed that he had crashed on a friends sofa and gone straight to work. I had a shopping day planned with my Mum and some friends so carried on with my day, calling my partner every so often but no answer.

5:30pm I was at my Mums house and I received a phone call from my partner. I asked where he had been and why I hadn't heard from him. He said he had been asleep all day, he went to work but got sent home for being drunk and in no state to work. He then told me how he had borrowed money from someone to enable him to stay out and carry on drinking. I was absolutely furious about this. The conversation was short and I told him I was staying overnight at my Mums house as I didn't want to see him.

An hour later he sent me a text message to tell me he had a drinking problem, it was ruining his life, he was so ashamed etc and that he had spent the night with another woman (someone he knows through work who I have met and who has met our daughter)

He blames it totally on the drink. He says that he is giving up drinking, will seek whatever help he needs and will do whatever he needs to do to make it right.

My first thought was that I needed to support him to get him better, not just for him but for my daughter. She deserves a good Dad. But as the week as gone on I am feeling worse and worse about it. How can I stay in a relationship with someone I don't trust? Can I spend my life worrying that he is going to drink or go with another woman? He's never physically done anything with another woman before but has sent suggestive texts.

I really don't know what to do for the best. I can't talk to my family as I don't want them to think badly of him, which they will and it will be my daughter that will suffer as they won't have him involved in anything if they knew. I'm embarrassed to talk to my friends as I've been cheated on in the past and I can't believe it's happened again.

What do I do :(

If it was 'just' the drinking problem then I'd say to stick by him and support him but personally, I could never forgive someone who cheats on me.
I wouldn't care if they were drunk or not.
The trust would be totally gone.
That's just me though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Several things sprung out at me

He’s not taking responsibility for his actions. He blames it on his drinking on a problem, and he blames his cheating on his drink problem. It might be an addiction, but it’s HIS addiction.

You have two problems here, his drinking and the fact he’s cheated on you. YOU can’t fix it for him.

I’d suggest you as him to leave, HE sorts his issues out and proves himself, this gives YOU chance to see if you really can get over this betrayal and remain married

Please tell people, you shouldn’t be ashamed, it’s HIS issue. They will help and support you.

Speak to the benefits people, you’ll be able to claim help if he’d out of the house

I will try and look into benefits today and see what would happen with that.

I totally agree with all of you. His issues, his problem. I just feel like I owe it to my daughter to help him and hopefully get her Dad "better".

@ironinglady57 - no, He owes it to his daughter. You can't owe something on behalf of him. He should want to be the father your daughter deserves, you can't do that for him. By the sounds of it she already has a wonderful mama.

He needs to move out and prove to you that he can stop drinking and be responsible.
After that and counseling, maybe consider future together.
He needs to sort himself first.

I know everything that you're all saying is true. It's just hard, I don't want my daughter to suffer because of this.

She will suffer far more growing up with a Dad who is feckless and unreliable, let's her down to go out drinking, pisses away all the money that should be securing her future and makes her mum miserable.

It's understandable that the thought of leaving feels overwhelming, it's a big deal. It's fine to be scared. But don't use your DD as an excuse to stay when deep down you know this isn't what's best for her

I totally agree with all of you. His issues, his problem. I just feel like I owe it to my daughter to help him and hopefully get her Dad "better"

And this is where a lot of people go wrong. You can’t ‘help’ him get better, that’s entirely up to him. It’s like trying to ‘help’ someone give up smoking. They have to WANT it, and actually, apart from forgiving the occasional grumpy behaviour, there’s fuck all you can actually do to help.

This is his issue OP, you can help your dc not grow up in a toxic environment where her mother isn’t constantly having to check up on her df to make sure he’s either not drinking or not shagging other women.

He has to prove he’s changed rather than you help him. It’s all on him

I just feel like I owe it to my daughter to help him and hopefully get her Dad "better"

That's the thing about beating alcoholism though, you can't do it for him. He has to do this for himself. He has to take responsibility, for his actions and for his recovery. Otherwise it simply won't work.

Hi your daughter needs you to be strong for you and her unfortunately your partner will carry on like this with or without your help.
My ex husband was exactly like this would go “for one drink after work” which would turn into an all nighter with him arriving home drunk and abusive to me in front on my children. Not sure if he ever had an affair as I didn’t have concrete proof but I think he did.
It got so bad that he pretended to have a break down because of debt he had wracked up and we ended up losing our home and everything we had worked for.
The final straw came when he got drunk (again) on Christmas Eve a few years back and shoved me against the wall and assaulted my dad. He left in a state and that was the end of our marriage.
I heard all the same excuses as you and thought I could help him but please get out before it gets like it did for me. You will be able to cope and you will end up stronger without him. Good luck x

...I just feel like I owe it to my daughter to help him and hopefully get her Dad "better".

No, it’s not your job to get her dad ‘better’
He needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour, choices and actions. Otherwise you will be enabling him to play the ‘helpless’ victim. This is not what your daughter should be exposed to and you don’t owe ‘it’ to her to see her parents in such a toxic environment where he is cheating on you and knowingly making negative choices.

You are codependent.
You need to leave or else kick him out.
Is this the type of man you'd choose for your daughter?

Thought not.

I just feel like I owe it to my daughter to help him and hopefully get her Dad "better".

I appreciate this comes from a good place, but what that might well to teach your daughter is that she has to take responsibility for a partner's crappy behaviour, stick with them no matter what, try to "fix" them.

Ask yourself, in twenty years' time, what would you want her to do if she finds herself in this situation? Then do that. Good luck.

@clumsygirl so sorry that you've been through this too. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

I'm going to talk to him tonight and ask him to go stay at his parent's house while I have some time to think.

Take all the time you need to think and if he’s willing to change he will allow you space without any pressure.
As a pp said “is this the type of man you would choose for your daughter” this is such good advice and wish it was something I had been told! X

I'm going to talk to him tonight and ask him to go stay at his parent's house while I have some time to think.

Good next move. If you have a good friendship or family support network, speak to them and ask for their help so that you can make the best possible decisions for the future.

Your partner may go through all the emotions too including trying to make you feel guilty. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed into staying in this relationship just because you have a child together. If he was authentic, he wouldn’t need you to babysit his way into getting help- he needs to/ should want to do this for himself because he genuinely wants to change and is ashamed of his behaviour and not because you asked him to.

From what you’ve said so far, he sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. His tears are for himself only and he wants you to keep enabling this behaviour time and time again because it suits him. A terrible role model for your daughter.

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic parent (my dad), he made my life hell despite my mum's best efforts. He's drunk himself to death now, can't say I felt anything beyond wondering why he didn't do it sooner.

For goodness sake end the relationship. No good will come from limping on. Do it for your daughter if not for yourself.

Some practical points:

• Are you married? I assume not as you call him partner, not husband
• Is the tenancy agreement in both names or just one of you?
• As for finances you will be entitled to child maintenance from him (check how much using the CMO calculator) and Universal Credit (use a benefits calculator like entitledto). You will also get the single person discount for council tax and probably Council Tax Reduction (also called Council Tax Support). On UC at a certain level you will be entitled to "passported benefits" such as free NHS prescriptions etc.
• I assume you plan to return to work after maternity leave? If so you will get help with childcare costs through UC. If you know your salary and childcare costs you could do a benefits calculation for that too.

OMG that is terrible.

you cant stay with him my lovely.

Life is not a rehearsal and you don't want to be stuck with clowns on stage if you get my drift. He deserves no one. I had a guy I dated 2 months like this and this began, I got rid tbh.

Best thing I ever did as I now have a amazing partner and I truelly feel he is the one. :)

Is this a happy marriage otherwise? There are always cries to LTB but only you can know if it's a relationship worth saving. If it were me I would separate, give him a chance to change and not give any second chances. If you already know deep down that this is the final straw then you'll have to face up to that.

I wouldn't protect him any more either, if you're close to your family then I would tell them what's going on, you need support at the moment and you're not getting it from him.