AIBU to think/hope that the truth always comes out

[summerbreezingin]

NC for this as I am a regular poster and previous posts are outing.

DH and I are part of a large circle of friends. We have long suspected there's been "something" between a male and a female in the friendship circle. Both of whom are married. DH is particularly good friends with the male and I see the female fairly often as we share a hobby.

The male has confessed to my husband that he and the female have been having an affair for approximately 6 years. He has recently had a baby with his wife and the affair continues. I do understand that these things happen but I struggle to comprehend the moral compass of these people, one of the things that shocks me is that the female performed a sex act on the male after a drunken night out in the same room where her husband was sleeping and whilst his wife and various other friends were sleeping upstairs.

From what I can gather the relationship is solely based on sex and sexting. I am not a prude but I struggle that there are so many people, and children, who stand to be hurt by their behaviour.

My DH has sworn me to secrecy and agrees with me it's wrong and tbh I wouldn't want to get myself embroiled in this mess but I can't help but wonder where this will all end? Do things like this always come out in the end? I am going to be seeing my female friend this week at our shared hobby and I can't help but think differently now I know what she's doing. I also know that this isn't the first time she has cheated although she has not ever told me herself.

I'd tell the wife.

even anonymously.

Tell her.

What would you want to happen if it was your husband and friend?

Personally id hope someone would tell me, but obviously it will mean the end of your friendships.

I feel plagued by it and really want to tell the wife. The ramifications would be huge and I suspect would come back on us even if anonymously as we are the only people that know. I just can't shake this feeling that it's just so wrong.

Not to say it would make it better but had it been a "one off" thing a few years ago that was dead in the water I don't think I would feel the way I do about it, even though it would still have changed what I think of them.

I hate the sordidness of it all

If you said anything anonymously now, it would be obvious it's you or your husband, unless the cheating scumbag has told multiple people.

I'd be compelled to tell the poor betrayed spouses the truth. It's just a shame that it will inevitably become messy and most like be the end of your social group.

Can you imagine if the spouses find out and then find out you and your husband knew? Who do your allegiances lie with? Personally i couldn’t be friends with people like that.

@chuckyeggtimestwo we are certainly better "friends" with the cheaters than the spouses.

I am pretty certain we are the only people that know.

That said, I don't feel the same about the cheaters now and it's making me question their moral compass altogether. The female in particular is very popular and people believe she can do no wrong but I have always suspected there was more beneath the surface and this confirms it for me.

I’m not sure what advice to give but this just makes me so sad. The lack of respect from the cheaters to their partners makes me want to vom.

@Nightnight23 I feel the same. There's much more to it which I haven't shared but it's pretty grotesque and downright awful when i think about what they have done, the fact that it frequently happens at events where friends are present (weddings, christenings, birthdays).

They must think their friends are as stupid as their spouses.

I just said earlier today on another post that I didn't tell on a cheating friend. but the two of us weren't part of a large social circle that included our spouses and the cheating couple and their spouses, and all the kids connected to all the couples, so it was easy for me to listen to her tales, tell her she ought to not, and then go on with my day. In the case of the minefield these two people have set up, I think the truth needs to be told. It's going to come to light sooner or later. and the longer they go on, the worse the fallout will be as the kids are older and more aware, and more involved with everyone else kids, either couple has more kids maybe, the fact that more and more people besides the cheated on spouses knew and didn't tell.

AS for maintaining anonymity, if they have been going at it for 6 years, I bet you and your DH aren't the only ones who suspected, nor are you the only ones that have been told and pressured to keep the secret. Part of the attraction for these two is the adrenalin rush of the risks they are taking and knowing they are getting away with it, and over the course of 6 years each of them has probably enhanced that rush with a bit of confessing. seeing the reaction of people who know to see if they can tell i they are trying to set up a hookup, or if they just did it, it's all part of their thrill. It's not like the two of them are in love, they could have divorced and remarried years ago if that were the case.

This kind of thing always comes out.....and the fact that you and your dh knew will eventually come out as well.
Then your integrity and loyalty will be judged by everyone who hears about it - not just the cheated spouses.

I couldn't carry on a friendship with these kind of people - and then it would become obvious overtime to everyone that there was an issue....then you find yourself inbetween a rock and a hard place - either tell the truth and be damned even further, or stay quiet and tolerate being made out to be the 'bad' guy and friends distancing themselves from your 'drama'.

Better to pull the band aid off quickly and completely - plus karma is a bitch and you don't want it happening to you.

I couldn’t have a friendship with someone who is so duplicitous. The hypocrisy and lying, as well as all the rest, would lower them too far in my estimation.

I would cut ties with the female friend and tell her (and her alone) why. Other people in the circle would probably gossip and ask, I suppose, and life would be tricky and difficult, but their gossip wouldn’t be my business. I’d keep my reasons to myself and stay out of it. Any mutterings and divisions and awkwardness wouldn’t be my fault. I wouldn’t be the one behaving immorally.

I would imagine that after a while, either the dust would settle and the friendship group would continue with or without me, as amended (with me excluding the friend). Or it would all come to a head and yes people would find out. But that wouldn’t be my aim, for the truth to come out. It’s not my truth.

I would just want to act in a way that suits my morality/ethics/conscience.

they're also putting their partners at risk of STD's....and one of the cheated has just had a baby and risked his child's health!

I'd do it - anonymously. Then if/when you're asked you can just deny or tell the truth.
Nobody can prove it was you and who's going to take the word of lying cheating scumbags over yours and dh's?

*cheaters

I think what you're all saying is very right.
As a first step I am going to cut the female out of my life, she's not a good friend and it turns my stomach when I think of the level of disrespect she's shown her husband, the wife and everybody else who could end up hurt by this.

I can't speak for my DH as I don't think he feels so strongly about it as I do so he may choose to continue the friendship with the male. That's on him but I will distance myself from it.

I hate reading threads like this. Some people are so fucking shit.

Selfish wankers looking for a quick thrill, not caring about the total devastation that it will cause to so many.

Do you think he wants it to come out if he's told your DH? Some fucked up way of coming clean so that someone else can be dragged into being the bad guy for telling his wife.

I would not be able to be in the same room as these people tbh .. I would tell the spouses.. they deserve to know! Or at least have the option of staying or leaving ..

As it happens the female did get pregnant at one point and we were all very sympathetic when she lost the baby. Me in particular as both me and my sister have suffered pregnancy loss and I went out of my way to offer my support at the time.

What I now know is that it was the male friends baby and she was intending on telling her husband it was his child. So he grieved a baby that wasn't his. In hindsight she was probably relieved and yet lapped up the sympathy we all offered her.

@7salmonswimming I feel like we are on the same wavelength, my values and morals are sending waves through my stomach with this one and I feel I can't just sit back and do nothing. Even if it's just to make the point and know I did what felt right to me without actually spilling the beans.

@Handsoffmysweets my goodness I am shocked people like this exist! I assume in your situation the truth came out?

I wouldn't be able to continue the friendships with the two cheaters, so they'd be straight on the Hit List.

On paper I think I'd want to know, but reality isn't as clear-cut as that and if you're uncomfortable getting involved, can you try to avoid them all until it comes out (and it really will all come out; nothing this vile stays secret forever and if they've told your DH they'll have told others).

Your latest post would be too much for me to not say anything.

I'd tell all involved.

Not anonymously because then it's easy for them to say it's rubbish and most people wouldn't really leave their husband or wife over anonymously being told. If she stayed she'd be forever thinking did he, didn't he.

I couldn't be friends with either of them.

They sound like utter shits, OP. In your position I’d start by distancing myself from both of them completely (I’d hope DH would do the same) and telling them exactly why you don’t feel you can continue to be friends with them if they ask. I think after that I would seriously consider telling the spouses - much easier to do once ties have been cut. To answer your question, it’s likely the truth will out eventually the way they’re carrying on (doubtless others suspect something too) but if my DH was screwing around I’d hope to god someone would sensitively tell me if they knew!

@floppityisbeingarightdick I'm not sure, I think he was bragging after too many drinks and the fact the female had been texting him dirty pictures on the night they were out and he felt compelled to brag a bit over it.

DH maintains that he's a good friend. I have always liked him as a person but I've always thought he'd be one that would go with any woman who batted her eyelids. I'm not hugely close to his wife but she's a sweet woman and would never do anything like this.

What I now know is that it was the male friends baby and she was intending on telling her husband it was his child. So he grieved a baby that wasn't his. In hindsight she was probably relieved and yet lapped up the sympathy we all offered her.

This out of everything you've said is by far the worst part. She allowed her DH to grieve for a baby that wasn't his. She's the devil.