AIBU to think/hope that the truth always comes out

[summerbreezingin]

NC for this as I am a regular poster and previous posts are outing.

DH and I are part of a large circle of friends. We have long suspected there's been "something" between a male and a female in the friendship circle. Both of whom are married. DH is particularly good friends with the male and I see the female fairly often as we share a hobby.

The male has confessed to my husband that he and the female have been having an affair for approximately 6 years. He has recently had a baby with his wife and the affair continues. I do understand that these things happen but I struggle to comprehend the moral compass of these people, one of the things that shocks me is that the female performed a sex act on the male after a drunken night out in the same room where her husband was sleeping and whilst his wife and various other friends were sleeping upstairs.

From what I can gather the relationship is solely based on sex and sexting. I am not a prude but I struggle that there are so many people, and children, who stand to be hurt by their behaviour.

My DH has sworn me to secrecy and agrees with me it's wrong and tbh I wouldn't want to get myself embroiled in this mess but I can't help but wonder where this will all end? Do things like this always come out in the end? I am going to be seeing my female friend this week at our shared hobby and I can't help but think differently now I know what she's doing. I also know that this isn't the first time she has cheated although she has not ever told me herself.

@FudgeBrownie2019 you're right. You are so right. I have only had my DH to talk to about this since he told me early this week and now I feel so awful the thought of what pain her husband would have felt.

I'm cutting her out.

DH will gradually see less of his friend as he has DC1 on the way with his wife and she's very homely and I suspect he will be expected to be at home with the family unit more. My DH is notoriously lazy so I suspect he won't go and visit them very often so their contact will end up reducing I am sure.

I would be distancing myself from them, its just so vile and shows such a lack of respect, these things have a way of coming out but it is the innocent parties who are the ones who are the most hurt.

I had a friend who started an affair with another friends husband, he was well known for having affairs, we fell out over it all. He did leave his wife for her after a lot of hurt and drama, has cheated on her, and still is with his ex wife.

I couldn't be friends with these people. If they can do this to their partners then they surely don't give a toss about you, they don't deserve your silence. Try to move on, you don't need this in your life.

@Handsoffmysweets I'm sorry to hear how horrendous it was.

I don't see the females husband very often but I do know that we were all at a wedding a couple of years ago which was in Spain so a weekend thing with everyone in the same hotel. On the final morning I remember that the males wife was particularly moody and clearly p*ssed off with her husband. At the time I put it down to the fact he had stayed out too late and got in drunk.

What I now know is that he and the female friend stayed up until the last guest went to bed and then were having sex until the very early hours in the hotel toilets.

Thinking back I wonder if the wife had suspected something. I feel awful because I remember saying to her that it had been a fun weekend and being confused when she didn't agree.

6 years and it's not come out.. I think an anonymous wee note shoved through the letterbox of a night might encourage closer inspection of cheaters phones...

@BumbleBeee69 I need to really think about whether I take that route.. x

yes, it's an option if you wish someone to know something OP.. obviously if there is a chance of DV resulting from this information being received then, don't do it.. I'm sure you will assess this with due care

No, they often don’t come out at all.

Has the baby arrived? You mentioned in OP that they have had a baby, but say in a later post that it's on the way?

You need actual evidence and then give them that anonymously.

@CharityDingle Sorry have just read back and I didnt explain it correctly initially. Baby 1 is on the way, due soon.

You don't have to actually tell the partners - it would be enough if you told the offenders that you were disgusted with them and didn't want to speak to them again. I think that alone would get back to their partners. It's up to them whether they ask you for your reasons.

So one of the couples is having a baby and the man is also having an affair, presumably the OW realises he's having sex with both of them now?

I'd make up a fictitious story about someone at work doing similar and say how disgusting you think it is....to the OW and see her reaction.

Friends or not I couldn't be part of this I don't think. Six years, that poor baby being born into this mess!

OP, could you tell this pair of low lifes that they either tell their spouses what's been going on or you will?

After 6 years you can be sure that it's not just you and your DH who know. The cheater will have bragged to other friends to.

You need proof unfortunately, if they all think highly of the OW then you might not be believed.

@sucresugar there's never been any doubt that the man was having a relationship with his wife. He was actually single when he started sleeping with the female friend and met his now wife during the past 6 years. Personally I don't think the OW cares that much and sees herself as some vixen in comparison to his wife who is very timid.

I've spoken to DH and he says he wants to continue his friendship with the male but does understand my issues and won't expect me to mix with him and his wife because I feel like I wouldn't be able to look her in the eye.

There's so many other people in this situation who stand to be hurt which I can't go into as the details would be outing.

That poor woman about yo give birth and her whole potentially ripped apart.

To be honest I would be holding back on spilling the beans for awhile, who wants that fall out when about to give birth.

Cut the friends out and if you are going to tell them at least wait until the wife finds her feet with the new baby and has the choice to go back to work from maternity.

OP, does your husband not think he should distance himself from such a man? Why is he comfortable continuing this friendship considering all that he knows?

I wouldn't be friends with people who behave like this. I think you need to ask yourself why you are friends with them - since it is clear you suspected all sorts of stuff well before you knew.

Why don't you want better friends?

Blimey, I'd just tell them and let the chips fall where they may. It'll come out eventually anyway.

Better sooner than later quite frankly.

I think in this situation I'd tell my DH that keeping quiet was a promise I was rash & wrong to agree to & that I couldn't in conscience not talk to the wronged partners. What he then wanted to do about the situation would be for him to decide.
I agree it would be very stressful for the pregnant wife to be told this at this time. Do you know any of her family, someone you could have a talk with & trust to leaving it in their hands to know what's best to do at the moment? Contacting the husband of the cheating wife directly would possibly be the simplest & easiest way. Perhaps ask him to meet for a coffee in town as you'd like an opportunity to have a confidential talk, & just grasp the nettle. I'd stress to both parties that you've only come into this information yourself very recently & had a difficult time deciding whether or not you should share it with them but in the end felt it wasn't right for you have knowledge of their marriages that they don't.
You're right about the devastation that can/will be caused by this affair & certainly I'd want to know if my H was cheating (mine is an ex & he most definitely did) even if it might not seem like it at the time. The cheating is bad enough but there'd be added distress/humiliation knowing that a wide circle of "friends" knew about it but behaved as though it was nothing.
It's a very sad situation & there are going to be no winners at the end, but at least you give 2 people a chance to cut some of their losses.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.